


Hold Me

by sjst



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Depression Recovery, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Götzeus, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sexual Content, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-24
Updated: 2016-06-11
Packaged: 2018-04-17 01:42:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 50,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4647528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sjst/pseuds/sjst
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Marco doesn't feel anything. He has lost his desire to live, he has tried to overcome his bad feelings but he can't.<br/>He can't take it anymore, and one night, when Marco is about to end his life, Mario sees the situation, and saves him.<br/>Mario and Marco start living together, and things are getting better, for both of them. Marco starts his road to feeling good again, while Mario starts to develop feelings for Marco.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Don't

**Author's Note:**

> This is very angsty, but with a happy ending. I wrote this while I was feeling really down so this is quite sad, but I hope that the ending will bring a smile to your face, at least.  
> This was meant to be a one shot, but if anybody wants to read more, just leave a comment and I will see if someone wants me to write and then I'll write.  
> Also sorry for all the mistakes, English isn't my first language.  
> Any feedback is appreciated and as I said if you want to read more let me know :) 
> 
> This work includes thoughts about suicide and self harming, and POSSIBLE TRIGGERS so don't read if you're uncomfortable with them.
> 
> This work is pure fiction and has no connection to real life.

Maybe he wasn't going to do it. Maybe he was. He didn't know.

Standing at the bridge, he saw the highway under him, all the cars passing by fastly. If he just fell down, if he took that one step and climbed over the rail, he would fall, and he would die. He would be forgotten, nobody would miss him, nobody would come to look after him. Nobody would come to his funeral, nobody would grieve after him.

He couldn't live like this anymore. He couldn't get through the days of his life anymore. He couldn't deal with all the rejection, all the unworthiness he felt, all the time he was just pushed around, not needed. Nobody needed him. He was an additional weight to the society. People wouldn't care if he died, he would just do a favor to everybody. They'd have one less person to look after and care about. Except that nobody ever took care of him. It was as if he was invisible. Sometimes he wondered if his two 'sort of friends', or his parents, even knew that he was alive.

He wasn't alive. He had once been alive. Before it had all gone wrong. He had had a normal life. Until things had gone downhill. Now he couldn't handle himself any longer, after he had started feeling nothing else than coldness. 

A gush of wind nearly knocked him down. Nobody was there, it was nearly 1AM. Once again after he hadn't been able to sleep, he had gone for a walk. A walk that maybe would be his last one. The coldness of the wind was nowhere near the coldness that he had felt in his lonely bed, laying there, cold and shaking, trying to scream his pain away. He had tried to hold himself tight, he had tried to hold on to his skinny body, just to remind him that he was actually still alive. 

He wiped a few of the tears he had cried off the corner of his eye. He thought about all the endless tears he has cried, all the sorrow he had felt, all the pain he went through everyday. It should all stop. Maybe heaven would be a better place for him. Or in his case, probably hell. 

He took one step closer to the rail, and he felt horrible pain as his pants scratched the fresh scars on his thigh. The scars he had everywhere. The scars he couldn't hide anymore, but also the scars nobody would notice. The scars he made with his blade, the fresh cuts on his skin. The thing that reminded him that he still felt something, the blood running down his arms, his thighs, his stomach, almost every part of his body. He had damaged himself permanently, only in the hope of feeling something. 

He looked up to the night sky, seeing the stars shining. It had been a bad day for him, but a good day for anybody else probably. The sun had been shining bright, the birds had been singing, but he hadn't been able to feel it. He never felt it. It was as if he was living in his own world where nothing went right. He was a stranger, everybody looked at him weirdly, every day someone glanced at him looking like he or she was disgusted. 

Every day he tried to put on a fake smile. His real one had been gone now for quite a while. He couldn't take this life anymore, a life where he was a stranger, a burden, a someone he didn't want to be. He had tried to change, he had tried to seem normal, he had tried to go back to the time when things had been alright. He had kept on going like that for several months, before he had realized, after his first cut, that there was no turning back. 

He had tried to stop again, but it hadn't worked. Every day he fucked something up, something bad happened, there was never the small light at the end of the tunnel, and he was getting tired of it. This endless wheel of misfortune would never stop. And this life wasn't worth living for. 

He was just a dreamer. He dreamed his life away. He dreamed of having a normal life, having friends, having someone to love, having a life. But it would never happen as it seemed. He would never get there. He had always tried to hope, tried to have the one thing he would live for, but now he had nothing. All the small joys of life felt like nothing. Nothing felt horrible. 

He had tried to show everybody that he wasn't alright. But, when no one had noticed, he had tried to stop showing everybody. He kept living, with his scars very visible, but nobody had cared. Nobody had asked him was he alright, which he wasn't. Hadn't been in a long time. Nobody cared, that's how he felt. 

He took one last step towards the rail and put his hand on the cold metal. Except that for him, it didn't feel cold. He put his second hand on the rail. He closed his eyes, and once more in his life, asked for forgiveness for being who he was. "God, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for being who I am. I'm so sorry for still being here, for not being strong enough and good enough to be someone. Sorry for not ending my life earlier. Please forgive me." 

He took a deep breath of the fresh air he used to love, but now, it felt intoxicating. One more breath, and he raised his other leg over the rail, and jumped a bit to sit on the rail. He was very high, and a normal person would have gotten dizzy, but he wasn't. He couldn't feel. He stared down, where a few cars drove by every now and then. He would just have to wait for the right moment to jump, then hit the ground, and finally hopefully be hit by a car, just so that he would die for sure.

"Don't!" Someone shouted, and he opened his eyes. How could someone be here at this time of the night, and on top of all, why that someone would care about him. 

"Don't do it!" The man said, and took one step closer, now standing about a meter away from him. The man had a normal figure, he wasn't too tall, but most of all, he was beautiful. The man was probably everything he himself wasn't. 

"Don't do what?" He asked, with his awfully weak voice, he had already screamed his lungs out tonight, and he could barely whisper anymore. 

"Don't jump. I don't want you to jump," the man said. The man looked very serious, and he couldn't believe what he saw. Did someone say that they don't want him to jump?

"Why not?" He asked, still looking at the man with the big hazel eyes, visible even in the darkest night. 

"I don't want you to jump. I really don't," the man said, and took one step closer to him. He instinctively leaned backwards, and he nearly fell. The man raised his hands, signaling that he wouldn't do anything. 

"I have nothing. I don't have a life. Maybe I don't want to live anymore," he said, looking down at his lap. He didn't want this. Why hadn't he already jumped. 

"There is always something. You have a life. You are alive. There is a thing you're going to live for," the man tried to assure him, but he just shrugged him off. 

"Nobody cares about me. There is nothing." 

"Yes there is. I am. I care." 

"No you don't," he said. He couldn't care about him. Nobody did. 

"I do. I really do. Don't do what you were about to do, it's not worth it. There is a life out there. A beautiful life, you'll just have to find it," the man said. He thought. Could it be that this beautiful stranger he had just met, cared about him? Would he care whether he lived or not?

"I don't think so." 

"Yes there is a life out there. What is your name?" The man asked. 

"Marco," he told him, he had nothing to lose here. Or maybe, God was giving him his final humiliation, one final thing that would make him jump. 

"Marco, hello. I am Mario. And I care, I really do. Could you come here, where I stand, so we could talk. We could make it, together, I will help you, I want to help you," Mario said. Marco looked at the man incredulously. He said he cared. Marco wouldn't let himself believe it, but something in Mario's eyes, told him, that maybe, just maybe he was telling the truth. 

For the first time tonight, Marco hesitated. Should he make that final movement, and fall down? Should he? Or was there somebody who cared, wanted him alive? Marco looked at Mario in the eyes, and he saw that Mario was holding a hand up for him. He wanted Marco to come back. 

"Please, I will be here, I will help you I swear. I want to, I don't want you to die, I don't want to lose you," Mario said again, his voice filled with emotion and caring in his eyes, and at that moment, Marco made his decision. 

He tried to move his legs, he pulled the leg that had been over the rail back, and felt his feet hit the ground again. He took his hands off the rail, and turned back to Mario. Mario took on cautious step forward, and when he saw that Marco didn't flinch of object, he moved one more step closer. 

There was only about 20 centimeters between them now, and Marco could see the man's beautiful face right in front of him. Had God sent this beautiful angel to save him? Mario smiled tenderly, and then very carefully, closed the distance between them and put his arms around Marco. 

Mario was hugging Marco. Marco suddenly felt warm, he felt saved, he felt cared and secured. He flung his arms around the smaller man, and hang on to him with his life. Silent tears fell down his cheeks as he realized that he was still alive. He was alive. 

Mario hugged him tighter and then pulled back a little, only to press a gentle kiss on Marco's cheek. 

The feelings was surreal, and now for the first time in such a long time, Marco felt something. Something nice. Something worth living for.


	2. Saved

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was asked to continue this story, and I felt like it, so I wrote this second chapter.  
> Thank you for all of you who left feedback, it made me feel very happy :-)  
> Please if you like this chapter, leave me some feedback, and let me know if you would like to read more so I will decide if I want to write more. :-)

Marco couldn't move his arms, he couldn't move anything right now. He could do nothing else but feel Mario's arms around him, feel his body against his, and actually just feel something. It felt so strange, he couldn't remember the last time he had felt like this, and he was worried that he would wake up from a dream any minute now. 

"Marco?" Mario said, and pulled away a little bit. Marco instantly shivered in the coldness he felt. He reminded himself that he should just get used to that feeling, but he couldn't help the feeling of emptiness he felt now after just being so close to Mario. 

Mario pulled away even further back to look at Marco, who still hasn't answered him. Marco looked at Mario in the eyes sheepishly, before looking away quickly. He still couldn't understand why was Mario helping him. Why was this happening to him? Maybe Mario had something behind his actions.

"Marco?" Mario asked again, because Marco still hadn't said anything, or even moved. "Marco please look at me!" 

Marco shot his gaze up, only to see Mario almost directly in front of him. He tried to look into Mario's eyes, but it was so damn hard. Every time he looked at someone, he felt like he was disturbing, felt like he was doing something inappropriate. Marco looked down quickly before he looked up again. He rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands, he felt really strange and empty now, but he tried to focus on the beautiful hazel eyes looking at him. 

"Thank you," Mario said. 

"For what?" Marco croaked out, his voice even more hoarse than before. He tried to clear his throat, failing miserably as the lump in his throat wouldn't go away. 

"For not giving up," Mario said and took Marco's hand. Mario started to walk, heading to the other side of the bridge. Marco felt his legs moving a little shakily, his adrenalin rush still hadn't faded away. Mario kept his pace slow, and still held Marco's hand, as if he was afraid that Marco would try to jump again. 

Marco himself was left speechless. He still couldn't understand why this stranger had saved him, and how he hadn't actually jumped. He had thought about jumping all day, and he had been almost entirely sure that he would jump. But, he hadn't, because of this stranger called Mario, and Marco wasn't sure what had made him not to jump.

Maybe it was just the fact that Mario cared. Someone had asked him not to jump, had spoken to him, had wanted him to stay. It was such a special feeling, Marco didn't often feel like it anymore. Something in Mario's eyes had told Marco to trust him, to wait for just a little longer, stay alive for a little longer. He hadn't jumped, he had gotten further away from the rail guided by his instincts, and the next thing he had felt were Mario's arms holding him. 

Marco still wasn't sure what was going to happen to him. Maybe Mario would leave him now, and then he would feel like dying again. But still, he was glad that Mario had saved him, the hug he had given him had been worth living for. He felt like he owed Mario something, he should make him know that he was glad that he had done what he had done. 

"I wouldn't have been able to do that without you," Marco said silently. They had just gotten over the bridge, and now were at the other side of the town, a place where Marco didn't often go to. 

"Do what?" Mario asked him, sounding surprised, he must have been deep in his thoughts and Marco felt very bad for disturbing him. 

"You were the reason why I didn't jump," Marco said even more quietly, sniffing as he tried to hold himself from sobbing. 

"I'm glad that you didn't jump," Mario said, and looked at Marco briefly, smiling at him. Marco tried to smile back at him, but he simply couldn't. His body didn't obey the orders that he tried to give, he couldn't bring the corners of his mouth to rise. 

They kept walking aimlessly, and Marco was wondering where were they going. Then the thought occurred to him, and he stopped instantly. 

"Are we going to- to the hospital?" Marco asked, his voice shaking because of his fears. No. He wouldn't go to the hospital. 

"No, unless you want to?" 

"I don't," Marco said, sounding a little more relieved. He wouldn't go to a hospital. Not now, not ever. No one could cure him. 

"We'll go to my place," Mario said. 

"I- I think I would just disturb you," Marco said after he had recovered from his surprise and tried to take his hand away from Mario, but Mario was holding it tightly, not letting it go. 

"You're not going to disturb. And I would never leave you alone in this state." 

"Why?" 

"Because I care about you. I'm going to make sure you'll know that there is a life worth living out there."

Marco couldn't believe his ears. This stranger, had just offered him a chance to come to his home. Mario had told him that he wouldn't disturb, that he wouldn't bother him. He wouldn't leave Marco alone. The tears still heavy on Marco's eyelids threatened to overflow but Marco tried to keep strong. He was sure that Mario would probably throw him out, maybe not tonight but after a couple of days he would. Marco felt like he wasn't good for anyone. 

They kept walking for a while, until they reached a modern block of flats quite near downtown. Mario opened the doors with his key, and then they got up the stairs until they were behind Mario's door. Mario opened the door quietly, stepped inside to the apartment, and then pulled Marco inside. Marco was still hesitating in the small hall, Mario was close to him the entire time and he couldn't help but feel like a burden. He hadn't met Mario no longer than an hour ago and now he was already invading to his apartment, bothering another person. 

Mario basically undressed him, he took off Marco's coat as he still felt like he couldn't move. Mario then pushed him around the apartment, to a room which was next to the kitchen. The room was apparently used as a guest room. There wasn't a lot of furniture, but there was a comfortable looking bed and also a door which let to the guest bathroom. 

"Stay here," Mario said as he let go of Marco, for the first time since he had taken his hand, and disappeared to the bathroom. Marco stood still as he was told, still feeling very strange. He couldn't believe that he was standing in this room full of light, and not laying dead on the street. 

Mario came back quickly, carrying a pair of scissors and a razor blade in his hands. He stuffed them in his pockets, and then walked back to Marco. 

"You will sleep here tonight, we'll see for how long. You can go to the bathroom to relieve yourself, there are some clean clothes there, wear them and then come back," Mario said and Marco hesitantly looked at him. Mario smiled at him tenderly and gave him a push towards the bathroom.

Marco went to the bathroom and did as he was told, splashed a little water on his face and then looked at the clothes next to the sink. He took them and put on the sweatpants. He then took off his shirt and tried to avoid looking at himself in the mirror. He didn't want to see himself, the self hatred he felt was too much. Luckily the shirt had long sleeves, so that Mario wouldn't see just how badly Marco's scars really were. The clothes were baggy on him, Marco was too skinny and he knew it but he really didn't have the desire to eat. 

Marco glanced around, and saw that one of the shelves was empty. He understood why Mario had taken the razor blade and the scissors away. He hadn't wanted Marco to try to hurt himself more, or try to kill himself. Marco decided that it was better to get out of the bathroom, so he carefully stepped outside, got out, and saw that Mario was at the side of the bed, making space for him. Mario looked up at him, and Marco instinctively pulled his sleeves lower. 

"You must be tired, right?" Mario asked.

"Kind of," Marco said. He was tried, but he probably wasn't going to be able to sleep at all. 

"I thought so. Anyway, there is a pill over there to help you catch sleep. I wish that you would take it, just so that you'd get a night of sleep after what happened," Mario said and pointed at the drawer. On top of it there was a glass of water and single pill. 

"I will," Marco said as he tried to not to be speechless all the time. That would be rude. 

"You can sleep here. Don't worry," Mario said and pointed at the bed. Marco took a few hesitant steps forward and then sat down on the bed a little hesitantly. He still felt like an invader, and a voice in his head was screaming that it probably wasn't a good idea to spent a night with a stranger, but he couldn't bring himself to care. 

"Take it easy," Mario said and took Marco's hand on his again, successfully calming Marco down a little bit. "Just take the pill so you'll fall asleep," Mario added.  
Marco took the pill, put it in his mouth and the drank dome of the water to get it down. Mario looked at him approvingly as he did so, and then got off the bed. 

"Try to sleep, I will be in the room next to this, if you need anything. Don't hesitate to wake me up at any point. I will be here in the morning too, I will be up before you wake up," Mario explained as Marco eventually slipped under the covers. He really started to feel tired now.

"I will," Marco said as he saw Mario heading to the door. 

"Good night then. And Marco, please don't try to go anywhere, I will notice it if you try something," Mario said, his voice a little broken as he stood by the door. 

"I won't, Marco said, and then when Mario was about to shut the door and leave, Marco brought together all his courage and said:

"Mario wait!" 

"Yes?" 

"Thank you," Marco said. He couldn't describe the gratitude he felt for Mario. 

"You're worth it. I will be here tomorrow too, I will be here for you," Mario said, and then closed the door.


	3. A strange feeling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still continuing this story, and as long as people stay interested, I will probably continue writing this :-)  
> Thanks so much for all the feedback I got on the previous chapter, it meant the world to me! I would love to read your thoughts again on this chapter, and please tell me if you want to read more :-)  
> \+ sorry for the mistakes, English isn't my first language.

Mario had barely caught any sleep last night. He had been worried sick about the man sleeping behind the wall of his bedroom. He had waited for Marco to fall asleep behind the door of his guest bedroom, and finally after he had heard some quiet snoring, he had gone to take a shower, and try to get some sleep. 

It had been a crazy day for Mario, he had had a weird feeling already when he had woken up. He had had a feeling that something strange would happen. He had stumbled his way through work, and had a hard time trying to concentrate as he had felt something bugging him, and he had had no idea what might it be. 

When he had gotten home, he still hadn't been able to concentrate on anything. He had phoned to all of his friends, his parents, almost everybody he knew but the weird feeling he had simply hadn't gone away. He had wondered what on earth it could have been, but he hadn't been able to figure out a reason. Something had been off with him, and he had been desperate to find out, so he had gone out for a walk. 

Mario hadn't even realized that it had been so late, and to be honest, he hadn't cared. He just had just walked around aimlessly, and then, when he had ended up on a bridge, he had seen something that had made his blood run cold. 

There he had seen a man, sitting on a rail of the bridge, obviously ready to jump any moment. Mario had instantly began to run to his direction, only stopping a few meters away from the man. 

He had tried to talk with him, and the desperation of the man, Marco, had simply broken Mario's heart. Mario had tried to convince him not to jump, told to him how much he cared. It had been an automatic reaction from him, but also something he had felt a strange urge to do. When he had seen the man's face, it had been like seeing light for the first time. Behind all the sorrow and pain that was clearly visible on the man's face, there had been something special behind his gaze. Mario had felt like he was drawn to the man, he had been meant to see him there, he had been meant to save him. 

Mario had immediately realized that the weird feeling he had had all day long had let to this moment, he had been meant to be there. The man had sounded so painful, so sad that it had broken Mario's heart, but then finally when the man had come down from the rail, Mario had felt like his heart would start to fly out of the sudden relief. He hadn't even known Marco, but even the short thought of losing him had been unbearable for Mario. He couldn't go through something like that.

He had made a decision that he would do his everything for Marco, he would help him and he would get to know him. Mario believed that it was destiny that had brought them together. So, when Marco had finally climbed back down, Mario had carefully approached them, hugged him and then kissed his cheek, losing the last spark out of his mind. Luckily, Marco hadn't objected the hug and Mario had felt a few tears against his cheek. Marco had been so broken, so hurt and Mario had really wanted to cry with him, had wanted to take all his pain away, but he had known that it would be a long process. 

He had brought Marco to his home, he had wanted him to feel comfortable, but Mario knew that it was hard. It wouldn't be easy. Marco had objected, had thought that he would be a burden. Mario had tried to tell him what he would never be a burden, and what he felt towards him, but it was impossible, because Mario couldn't even explain it to himself. 

Mario had seen how broken and weak Marco had been at the moment, and even though Mario had been dying to have a conversation with him and console him, he knew Marco wouldn't have been up to it then. He had removed every sharp object in his bathroom, and then put there some clean clothes for Marco. He had hated to leave Marco alone even for a second, but he had had to get the razor blades out of his bathroom. He still wasn't sure was Marco self harming, but Mario suspected it. Mario then had Marco let use the bathroom, while he had made the bed for him, and given him a sleeping pill that would knock him off for a good eight hours. 

Marco had still seemed very shy, and scared also. Mario had acknowledged what a weird situation it must have been, but then, he wouldn't have let Marco go, no matter what it was. He felt drawn to him, he wanted to help him, he wanted to get to know him, he wanted to be with him.

Marco had gradually gotten into bed, and actually spoken a few words with Mario. Mario had wanted to hear more, had wanted Marco to have a shoulder to lean on, but he hadn't been able to do it then. Mario had closed the door and waited for Marco to fall asleep. 

Right now, Mario was standing behind the door of his guest bedroom. He was trying to listen to whether or not Marco was up already. Mario mused about knocking on the door, but after all he didn't want to disturb Marco if he was still asleep. Mario then heard some sheets rustling, for a moment longer than if Marco had just turned to his other side, so Mario carefully knocked on the door. Mario waited for a few seconds, but he got no response. Only the rustling continued. 

"Marco?" He called out hesitantly. Still no response. 

Mario decided to carefully open the door, and what he saw was Marco tossing and turning on the bed, mumbling something like "no, no, no." Mario immediately understood that Marco must be having some sort of a nightmare, so he got a little closer to Marco, and carefully shook him from his shoulders. Marco woke up that instant, and looked at Mario with a scared-to-death expression on his face. 

"Marco, hush, it's alright, you were just having a nightmare, it's alright," Mario tried to say as clearly as he could. He was clueless now, he didn't want to make Marco feel any worse right now, and the blonde looked like he was at the verge of a panic attack. Mario got a little further away and saw that Marco was almost shaking. 

"Where am I?" Marco asked really quietly. 

"You're at my home, I'm Mario. I invited you here yesterday after you tried to... after I saved you," Mario said emotionally, every moment of last night again coming back to his mind. 

A silent 'oh' was all Marco said, but at least his grip on the blanket that was still half on top of him loosened a little. Marco still looked like he was going to cry any moment, so Mario tried to come up with something more rational to say something.

"I'm so sorry that I came here, I will go now," Marco said as he interrupted Mario's thinking and tried to get back on his feet. 

"No, don't go!" Mario said ardently, and put his hand on Marco's arm, feeling a strange tingling sensation all over his body as he did so. "Don't go Marco, and I won't let you go. You aren't alright, I'm going to help you, you aren't bothering me, you won't bother me, you're here because I want you to be here." 

Marco didn't say anything, he just raised his gaze and looked at Mario in the eyes. Mario's heart ached as he saw how red and swollen Marco's eyes still were, he had probably cried himself to sleep despite taking sleeping pill. 

"Look Marco, I know that it is very confusing now, and that you feel very bad, but you're going to get through this, I swear to God you will. I want you to help you, you aren't going to be alone in this," Mario said as he sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed Marco's arm carefully. Marco flinched as he did so, so Mario stopped doing so, and only held his hand on Marco's arm without moving it. 

"I don't know what to say," Marco mumbled, still looking down at his lap.

"It's alright Marco, this will take time, just speak when you feel ready for it," Mario said soothingly, trying not to sound pushy even though he was still dying to speak with Marco. 

"What if we had breakfast and then talked some more, if you feel like it?" Mario asked full of hope, hoping that Marco would understand that Mario wasn't going to throw him out and that he wasn't bothered by Marco's presence. 

"Okay," Marco said, looked up, and gave Mario a weak smile, but still a smile that was full of promises.

"Alright, I will wait for you in the kitchen then. Come when ever you feel ready," Mario said, got up and let go of Marco's hand again. Mario missed the feeling of Marco's touch already, but he knew that he needed to give Marco time, and make some breakfast, so he left the room reluctantly.


	4. Let's start from the beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is another chapter for you guys, thank you so much for the feedback I got, it keeps me going and makes me happier to write this, :)  
> Once again, I hope you like this chapter as well and please tell me what you think and if you would like me to write more :)  
> \+ sorry for the mistakes and the typos, English isn't my first language.

Marco waited for the door to close, before buried his face in his hands, took deep breaths, and tried not to hyperventilate. 

Marco was still trying to process Mario's words and what had actually happened last night, so many things were going through his mind. He couldn't quite believe it that he was still here, in Mario's bed, and not lying dead on the streets. His mind was going short circuit, about how and why he was still here, how Mario had looked like when he had opened the door, how he had startled him, and then talked to him.

Mario had been kind, and well understood that Marco was scared, and Marco was grateful for that. He still couldn't stop shaking as he didn't know what to think. He hadn't certainly planned this, he had no idea what to do next. He had already tried to tell Mario that he would leave and not be a burden, but Mario hadn't bought his pathetic try to convince him. Instead, Mario had told him that Marco could stay at his apartment, and that Mario would take care of him, as long as it was needed. Marco had listened to Mario's words startled, of course he had already heard them the night before but somehow, he had thought that it was all just a dream or too good to be true, and that it would all come down this morning. 

Marco was deeply grateful for Mario, so deeply grateful, but he also had a hard time to believe could all this actually happen, or would he wake up any minute now. He pinched himself and flinched as the pain shot through his arm, but that only told him that he was still alive, this was all really happening. Marco was feeling so disoriented, he was still shaking on the edge of Mario's bed, trying to figure out how had all this happened to him. 

Someone had saved him. Someone had wanted him to live. How could Marco deserve something like this? His life was miserable, not worth anything and yet this had happened. Mario had saved him and was still willing to take care of Marco, show him his concern and care. Marco kept wondering why was Mario helping him, or trying to help him. 

Marco had seen Mario's eyes again this morning, and Marco had personally seen Mario's concern, and the deep emotion in his eyes telling Marco that it was really true that Mario was so concerned about him, and that he cared. Mario had asked Marco to come have breakfast with him, and who was Marco to deny his wish now. Even though Marco considered of just running away and jumping again, his mind told him not to, his gratefulness for Mario told him not to.

Marco got up on his shaking feet, and took a few careful steps. Every muscle in his body ached, and he flinched, he just felt himself getting weaker every day. Though maybe this day could be a start of the better. "No it won't be," Marco whispered to himself as he sighed. He shouldn't let his hopes get too high when they would come crashing down eventually. 

Marco walked to the door, and opened it carefully, stepping outside. It had been dark already when they had gotten to Mario's apartment last night, and now Marco saw everything in much better light. The apartment seemed cozy and comfortable, there were some plants on the tables, and some painting on the walls. Next to the paintings, there were some family portraits and Marco already felt numb inside, he would never have family photos like that. 

Marco decided to try to go to the kitchen, for Mario. He walked through the apartment to the direction where he thought the kitchen was, and luckily he had gone to the right direction, and there in the kitchen, he saw Mario, busy with the coffee maker. Mario didn't seem to notice Marco, and Marco tried to cough, deeply embarrassed after he did so. Luckily Mario did turn his gaze, looking Marco in the eyes, and Marco again noticed how beautiful Mario was. Again a sharp pain shot through Marco as he realized that he could never be anything like that, nor have anyone like that to be with him. 

"Marco, you came!" Mario said enthusiastically, and smiled shyly. Marco tried to smile back, and he did put on his best fake smile, he would've given Mario his real smile but he couldn't, not yet. 

Marco still didn't say anything as he still had no idea what should he do. Mario looked at Marco for a time that definitely would have made Marco feel uncomfortable, but with Mario it was different. Marco wasn't bothered, at least not that much, as he kept looking at Mario's beautiful eyes. 

"You could sit there, I'll give you something to eat," Mario said as he finally broke the silence. "I hope you're not allergic to anything." 

"I'm not," Marco said. He didn't dare to tell Mario that he wasn't most likely going to be able to force anything down his throat. 

"Do you drink coffee?" 

"Yes," Marco answered as quickly as he sat down on the table. He was already feeling awkward, what was he supposed to talk about with Mario anyway. He was desperately hoping that Mario would start the conversation. 

Mario poured some of the coffee in two mugs, and Marco admired how the strong muscles of Mario's arms worked as he prepared the coffee. Mario was only wearing a top, and Marco saw how clean his arms were without a single scar anywhere, and Marco instinctively pulled his sleeves even lower. 

Mario took the mugs with him, gave on of them to Marco, and put one to the opposite side of Marco, to where he was going to sit. He then took some plates and pushed one towards Marco. On the plate, there were two sandwiches, and Marco knew immediately that he was never going to be able to force all that down. He barely ate that in a day these days. 

"I hope you slept alright," Mario said and brought Marco back to his senses. 

"Kind of," Marco said. He had had only one nightmare, so it had been a relatively good night. "I hope you did too," Marco added, wanting to show Mario that he was a nice guy. 

"I was worried about you, Marco, and I still am," Mario said, and made Marco's heart skip a beat. 

"You shouldn't have been. I would have been alright, really," Marco said, just like he was used to telling himself. 

"No, don't say that Marco, I can see that something is definitely not alright. You are not alright, you're hurt and damaged, so stop telling that it's alright, because it's not."

"But I manage," Marco tried to tell Mario.

"If you managed, you wouldn't have done what you were about to do last night and be so broken," Mario said, with emotion in his voice, and Marco looked down at his arms hesitantly. He couldn't do this, no, he just couldn't. 

"I'm sorry," Marco said as he got up from his chair and tried to leave the kitchen, but Mario's arm was on his in a split second. 

"No, Marco, please don't run away. I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that," Mario said and pushed Marco gently back on the chair. Marco couldn't hold down the heavy sobs inside of him anymore, so he just started to sob and cry against Mario, who had taken a chair and sat next to him. 

"It's just so strange," Marco said between his hiccups. He was embarrassed by the sounds he made as he cried, but he couldn't care about them right now, because Mario still held his arms around him tightly. 

"What is strange Marco?" 

"That someone cares, that you care, and that you noticed that I'm not alright," Marco said and let his sobs get heavier again. "I'm not alright," he said again. For the first time in his life he had admitted to someone that he wasn't alright.  


"I know that it's strange Marco, I know but I really do care," Mario said and Marco tried to calm down the best he could, but his emotions were overwhelming him, as Mario kept rubbing soothing patterns on his shoulder. 

"I never thought that this could happen to me." 

"Marco, you're a wonderful person, I'm sure about it," Mario assured Marco, his voice very serious. 

"I'm not so sure about it. You're the only one who noticed, the only one who cares, the only one who listens," Marco said silently, his crying finally calming down.

"I'm sure I'm not the only one. And I want to help you Marco, I want to listen, I genuinely do. Would you tell me what is wrong?" Mario asked.

"Other than everything?" Marco sighed. "I don't know where to start."

"What if you started from the beginning?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback would mean a lot to me, every comment and kudo makes me very happy :)


	5. My story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marco's story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for the lovely comments and kudos I've gotten, I can't tell you how much they mean to me and make me more motivated to continue!  
> This chapter was hard to write, because I have gone through some of these things. But it was quite fast, and I wanted to write it for you, so here it is.  
> I hope you like this chapter and please tell me what you think about it, it would mean the world to me and make me believe in myself as a writer again. Also, if you want me to continue please tell me! :'-)

"It all started about one and a half years ago," Marco began with his shaking voice. He had never actually spoken out loud his story, and it was terrifying him to the utmost. Mario however was still next to him, holding one arm around Marco, brushing his fingers over Marco's shoulder occasionally. Mario was giving Marco comfort and actually some faith that Marco would be able to tell his story to Mario. Marco had a hard time putting everything into words since he had never thought about telling this to anyone, he hadn't even planned to live to this day. 

"Just take your time," Mario said as he must have noticed how Marco's breathing got uneven again. 

"One and a half years ago, I had just graduated from high school. I was a top student, I did great on every subject, and especially sports. I had a few friends, who meant the world to me. But I was never really popular, I wasn't liked around people, I don't really know why. I wasn't good with social situations, and I'm still not. It was hard for me to make any friends, and when I did, I always thought that I had screwed something up. It was very difficult for me to understand what was wrong with me that people didn't like me. 

I was never invited anywhere. People went to parties, had relationships, had fun, but somehow I was left out of it. The only people who still were friends with me were guys called called Marcel and Robin. They went to parties and had girlfriends too, but for me back then, was important enough that they didn't just completely ignore me or leave me out. I stayed out of the fun, but I had somehow accepted my faith, I just focused on school and that's why I did so well. But what's the fun in that? I practically missed my youth. 

I was so lonely all the time. When people were out on Friday nights, I was at home, having a movie night by myself. Seriously, how sad is that? Some people might enjoy being alone, but I certainly didn't. I was mostly alone, my two older sisters had already moved out and my parents had a social life too, they were out with their friends, while I was home alone. 

I was starting to feel really sad about everything back then already. I just couldn't understand what made me so detestable to just ignore me completely. And it wasn't just the people at school. Not many people cared about me anyway. Even strangers started to look at me meanly, and my parents somehow became less concerned about my life. 

Also, back then I was really struggling with my sexuality. I figured out that I was gay, there was no way I could be straight, and it really freaked me out. The way everybody talked bad things about gay people made me scared to death, made me feel even more wrong when in theory I knew that there was nothing wrong with being gay. Nevertheless it didn't make me feel any better and I was pretty sure that if I told that I was gay, nobody would like me anymore.

Then high school finally ended, and I decided to move on my own. I moved to live near the university, and I was kind of relieved about it, but soon as time passed by, I noticed that I was even more miserable. Nobody stayed in touch with me, only Marcel and Robin were still keeping in touch me time to time, probably even they were pretending that they were my friends, and just felt like they had to talk to me. My parents contacted me even less, probably because my sister had a baby and he became their new number one priority, even though I never was the number one priority anyway. It hurt a lot. 

It could have easily been weeks without anyone contacting me. I remember my face lighting up from a notification once, so I instantly checked my phone and well, it ended up being my teleoperator telling me that I had forgotten to pay a bill. I cried hours after that, I was completely left out, nobody needed me, cared about me or wanted to know was I even alive. 

It makes you wonder are you worth anything, and why aren't you worth anything. I started hating myself to the utmost, I hated my body, my voice, my personality, my everything. I tried to change myself, I tried to contact people, I tried to change my looks, my personality, but I didn't succeed. No matter what I did, people still treated me like air, and were rude to me. It absolutely broke me to see people just laughing at me, when I didn't even know what had I done wrong. I seemed to fuck up everything, it was as if it was my destiny to keep failing so that others could succeed. 

I really tried to keep up with people though. I tried to make friends, I tried to talk to people, smile at people and hope that somebody would like me, too. But nobody ever did. Every time I tried to approach someone, I was instantly denied, and I got so scared to do it again, that I stopped it. I couldn't handle the humiliation anymore, so I just stopped, nobody would care and I would just bother people. 

I became so sad about it, I felt so lonely, worthless and trash. I became tired of trying so I just stopped trying to change and tried to come up with a better solution. I tried to think that I didn't need it, that I didn't need to be cared by anyone to be okay, but that's far from the truth. The thing a human really needs in life is the feeling of love. The feeling I never had, the feeling I was never going to have and didn't deserve to have. I hated myself so much for being unlovable, so I tried to do almost anything to just make me forget everything and feel numb.

One night, I accidentally cut my hand while I was slicing bread. The small cut on my finger gave me the idea to cut myself, and well, there I was, also a self harmer now. It just gave me some kind of relief to cut and see the scars on my skin, it made me feel alive for a brief moment. I also started to eat less, I thought that it was my weight bothering people.

The people who still stayed in touch with me, mainly my family, Marcel and Robin, all saw how I changed, how I lost weight, how I didn't have the joy of going out, how all the scars on my skin couldn't be explained with simple accidents anymore. But nobody cared. Nobody asked how I felt, nobody asked was I alright or not. People just didn't care, and I started to think even more that I just wasn't worth it. Every time I tried talking to someone, whether it was the cashier or my own mother, I felt like I was disturbing someone. I was starting to become crazy, thinking something like a person was looking at me, when they really weren't. I didn't even know why was I so desperate for any attention at all, but I just couldn't live that way, feeling so worthless, unlovable and trash. I didn't want to live that way. My mind didn't have peace, all I could think about was what is wrong with me, and would my situation ever change. I was just an additional weight to the entire society, nobody would care if I disappeared, just died. Life like that just wasn't worth living for. 

I cried myself to sleep every night, I started to cut even more and ever deeper, I felt miserable all the time, even if I genuinely tried to be okay. That was what hurt me the most. All the time I tried to be okay, I tried not to think of the bad things but yet there I was, crying all the time and just feeling numb. I saw people around me who were happy, people who moved on with their lives and enjoyed themselves. Even though I tried to go with the flow, I just couldn't start living with the happiness I used to have, because I realized that I could never be happy again. I hated myself even more and felt even worse, I didn't smile for days and the pain inside me just became even harder to handle.

I used to scream my lungs out, cry myself to sleep, cut myself to the point where I was dizzy because of the loss of blood. I only dreamed that it would be alright, even though I knew it never would be alright again, and that was what hurt me so much. One night, I just couldn't even sleep, I couldn't think, I just couldn't take it any more, and that's how I ended up on that bridge last night." Marco ended his long speech, and wiped the corners of his eyes furiously. 

Marco took deep breaths as he kept wiping the tears off his face, when he realized that Mario's grip on his shoulder had become a lot tighter. Marco had felt so good to get all that out of his chest, to tell someone that things were wrong and that it wasn't alright, that he hadn't even noticed Mario's hold of him tightening to the point were it almost hurt. Marco carefully looked up at Mario, who was staring at him with sad eyes, full of tears.

"I'm sorry, I guess I just needed to let all that out," Marco said, as he cast down his eyes. He suddenly felt ashamed for speaking probably longer than he had ever spoken in his life. 

"Don't be sorry Marco, and there is one thing I'm going to make clear to you right now, before we talk about anything else," Mario said, dead seriously, and Marco dared to look up at Mario again. A few tears had run down Mario's cheeks, but he was looking very serious. 

"What is it?" Marco asked. 

"You're going to be happy again, I swear."


	6. Talking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, thank you so much for the comments and kudos I got on the previous chapter, they made me very happy :')   
> Here's another chapter, I really felt like writing it, it's a little short maybe but I want to update more regularly so here it is. I hope that you like this, please let me know it if you do, feedback is so important to me! :)  
> \+ sorry for the mistakes

Marco listened to Mario's words in awe, his heart still beating fast. He was still a little shocked about the fact that he had completely opened up to Mario, the man he had learned to like quite a lot, even though he still didn't really know him. But Marco knew enough, he knew that Mario cared, as hard as it was to believe it. 

Someone like Mario, was definitely worth his trust, somehow he had the feeling that Mario wouldn't hurt him like everybody else had, he wouldn't be like the rest of the people who didn't care about Marco. At least right now, Mario cared and that was enough for Marco, right now it was enough for Marco to have him there, listening to him. Marco knew that all this might come crashing down any minute, and he was going to try to enjoy every minute of relief he got. Marco still hadn't answered anything to Mario, as he tried to come up with something that could sound rational. 

"I can't really believe into that anymore," Marco said, not knowing how to express the hopelessness he felt, the emptiness of knowing that it would never be alright again. 

"Then I'm going to make you believe. I wish I could say something about your story to make it feel better, but I know that nothing that I could say right now would make it better. I'm really sorry for you, and you never would have deserved all that on you. But I'm going to make you believe Marco, I will," Mario said, still seriously but with tenderness and kindness in his voice. Marco was astonished, he still couldn't understand why did Mario want to help him. 

"Mario, I sincerely appreciate you trying to help me, but you really don't have to. You would be just wasting your time on me, I'm pretty much hopeless, there simply is no way how I could be alright again," Marco said, sounding desperate even to himself. But he really didn't want Mario to ruin his life for Marco, he wasn't worth it. 

"Marco, please, hear me out," Mario said and turned so that he took both of Marco's hands in his hands, and that his eyes were glued to Marco's, forcing Marco to look at him in the eyes. Marco looked into Mario's eyes sheepishly, he felt ashamed for saying all those things and for still being here. "Listen Marco. I know that right now, it seems very desperate and that like you could never be happy again. I know that right now, you're having the worst time of your life, and that right now you don't have the desire to live anymore. Right now, it must hurt so much that you barely can breathe, but one day you can be happy again. I know that it sounds incredulous, but please Marco, I know that it can happen. Would you give me a chance to show you?" 

"I don't want to bother you with this, you'll be better off without me, you'll have more time to spend with your friends and family if you won't worry about me," Marco said, not even caring about the tears rolling down his cheeks again. 

"I want to spend time with you. I understand that this sounds unbelievable too, but I really want to spend time with you, I really do, and I'm sure that many other people would like that too," Mario said, still holding Marco's gaze.

"Why? Why me? I'm only miserable, I'm not really fun to be around," Marco asked.

"Because you're special Marco. I knew it immediately when I saw you for the first time. I feel drawn to you, you're special to me, and I feel the need to be around you, so please, let me," Mario said and Marco couldn't quite believe his ears. He was special to Mario. Special. The word tasted weird on his tongue, he definitely wasn't used to being called special. 

"You're already more than special to me, Mario," Marco said hoarsely, because it was true. He already cared about Mario more than he had cared about anyone else. Mario was special to him, he had felt it already the very first time when he had felt Mario touch him. 

"So you would give me a chance to show you?" Mario asked again, this time, his eyes full of hope. 

"Yes, though I'm already sorry for disappointing you," Marco said. 

"You won't disappoint me, never," Mario said and then pulled a little further away, back to his own place opposite to Marco and gave him space. "I think this is already a good start, I'll make you believe Marco, even if it's the last thing I'll ever do." 

"Thank you Mario, I don't know what to say," Marco said, his eyes again filled with tears. God, he hated himself for crying all the time. 

"You will be a part of this too, we're going to be a team, and together, we'll get better," Mario said and started to eat his food. Marco glanced at his plate, and carefully decided to take a bite of his sandwich. He bit it and swallowed, without thinking further, his mind still short circuiting over the conversation they had just had. 

"You do agree on staying here with me Marco? I really want you to stay here with me," Mario said.

"As long as you want me to stay. It's not like I have anything to do anyway," Marco said and tried to force down a second bite of the sandwich. He hated eating, he just couldn't eat, he had no appetite and no matter how good the sandwich really tasted, Marco's mind and body didn't allow him to eat more. 

"Okay that's good, then you'll be staying here with me," Mario said, and kept eating. 

"I'm sorry Mario, I don't think I can eat anymore," Marco said weakly. He really wanted to eat and that way please Mario, but he just couldn't. He was a failure already. Mario looked at Marco's plate quickly and frowned when he noticed that Marco had barely eaten half a sandwich. 

"Uhm, it okay, we can eat something later too. Do you feel like you need to rest now, are you tried?" Mario asked. 

"No, I'm not really tired," Marco said as he cast down his eyes. He really didn't have an idea about what were they supposed to do with Mario. 

"How about we go to the living room and talk some more, then we could see if you feel alright enough to do something, okay?" Mario suggested and Marco just nodded. Mario got back on his feet, took his empty plate and put it in the washing machine, as he put Marco's plate to the fridge. Marco got up after Mario, and let Mario guide himself to the living room. Mario slumped down on the couch, and Marco was left standing beside the coach, not sure where was he allowed to sit. 

"Why are you standing there, is everything alright?" Mario asked as he looked back up at Marco, who had his hands crossed on his chest. 

"Can I sit?" Marco asked, biting his lip.

"Oh Marco, of course! You're now officially living here with me, you can sit wherever you like, whenever you like, I don't mind," Mario said, and patted on the seat next to him. Marco sat down, not right next to Mario but still quite close to him. 

"Now when you're living here, I guess we'll need to get you some clothes from your apartment. Maybe we could get them later, if you want to," Mario mused and Marco just nodded again. "Surely I have some t-shirts that might fit you, but I think that my jeans are too big for you, you're so slim," Mario continued. 

"I can't really wear t-shirts," Marco said without any further thinking and realized what he had just admitted to Mario. Of course he had already admitted his self harming when he had told his story, but he had hoped that Mario would ignore it. Mario looked at him tenderly, before he cleared his throat and said:

"Marco, you really don't have to show me, and I don't want to sound pushy, but I would like to see your arms, if you let me see?"


	7. Scars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so super much for giving this story a chance, and leaving me some feedback. It means so much to me and makes me very happy, so please keep it up!   
> I have a few ideas how to continue this story, so, if you want to read more please let me know so I'll write more chapters as soon as I have time :-) 
> 
> There is probably a way to add gifs to these chapters, but I don't know how so I'll just add a link here: http://giphy.com/gifs/sad-depressed-self-harm-V9fMYbmZGxu2k that gif is something I thought about when I wrote about Marco showing his scars, don't watch the gif if you find the content of self harming scars disturbing. 
> 
> Sorry again for all the mistakes, I always try to spot them and correct them but I always miss something, English isn't my first language. Nevertheless, I hope you'll like this chapter, tell me what you think :-)

Mario looked at Marco, trying to see if he felt uncomfortable by what he had said. He had asked Marco to show him his scars, his self harming scars, because Mario simply wanted to see them, to actually know how serious was the situation. He was already quite aware that it really couldn't be good, and he had mentally prepared himself for the worst.

Mario already knew that making Marco stop cutting would be a huge challenge, and Mario couldn't do it alone, Marco would need real therapy, but not right now. Right now, Mario needed to take careful steps while approaching Marco, he didn't want to scare him away or make him feel any worse, before even suggesting that Marco should go to therapy. When they had stood on the bridge, Mario had heard Marco saying that he didn't want to go to the hospital, with a very horrified expression on his face, and that told Mario enough. Marco was scared to death, and telling him now that he should go to therapy, would be like pushing him towards the edge of a cliff. 

Marco looked slightly surprised, and gulped loudly, shifting an inch away from Mario. Mario internally smacked himself, of course he had already made Marco feel uncomfortable. However, he didn't know how else should he have approached this matter. Marco was going to live with him, that much was for sure, and Mario would see his scars eventually, he knew it. 

"It won't be pretty," Marco then said quietly, and Mario nodded, half relieved that he hadn't seemed to scare Marco away after all, half afraid of what he was going to see. 

"I know Marco, I know. But I just want to have a look, I want to know more about your situation, and more about you. Of course you don't have to show me if it makes you feel uncomfortable," Mario said, and looked at Marco, who hesitated for a moment before he answered.

"No, it's alright, I guess it won't do any harm," Marco said, before he moved a little closer to Mario, taking a deep breath, before he looked at Mario in the eyes once more, and slowly tucked up his sleeve. 

Mario thought that he had prepared himself for what he was about to see, but what he saw now, was something he couldn't have even imagined. 

The entire part of Marco's arm that Mario was able to see, was covered in thin white lines, that had someday been very deep cuts. Marco's eyes were watering again, and he took deep breaths, as he rolled the sleeve even further up, and revealed more scars, some more fresh than the others. Mario's heart clenched, he hated the thought that Marco had felt the need to do this to himself, nobody should feel the need to injure their bodies like this. 

"Oh Marco," Mario said, lost for words. He didn't know what to say, he just felt incredibly sorry for Marco, and he wished that he could take all his pain away, he wanted Marco to be able to feel again, to be a person who's surrounded with loving and happiness. 

"You don't have to say anything," Marco said quietly as he just held his hand there, before he tucked up his other sleeve, and his other arm wasn't better than the other one. Mario took one of Marco's arms in his hands, and gently drew soothing circles on his palm, not daring to touch the scars yet. 

"I know but I want to. I want to make sure that you'll never have to make scars like this again, one day," Mario said, knowing that they were a long way from Marco actually being alright again. Every moment Mario got to know more about Marco, the more serious it got. 

"I wish I could believe in that, but I seriously doubt that it will happen," Marco said, heartbreakingly, before he lowered his sleeves again, not wanting to keep his scars visible any longer. "You're the only one who even noticed and cared, I thought it wouldn't matter if I did these scars or not, and it made me feel better, before it became an addiction. Then I just simply kept cutting, and I didn't even want to stop," Marco said. Mario looked at him, trying to look compassionate. He understood some of Marco's motives, and he was glad that Marco was telling this to him willingly, they had already come a long way from the moment when they had first talked, when Marco had barely managed to utter a single word. 

"I understand you Marco, I do, but now, you have someone who cares, and I'm sure there are many others too, you just don't know how much they care about you, yet. I'll make sure that I can make you feel better in every possible way, and that also means that you won't have to hurt yourself."

"It's the thoughts that hurt me more than the scars."

"Then I'll help you to let go of those thoughts," Mario sad, dead seriously, meaning every word. Marco didn't say a word anymore, he just looked at Mario with big eyes, apparently having a hard time to understand that all this was really happening. Mario had a hard time believing it too, but this was really happening, he had met the person he cared the most about, and there was no way Mario would let go of Marco, as long as Marco wouldn't want to go. 

"Thank you," Marco said, and gave Mario a brief smile, the corners of his lips turning up only a little bit, but for Mario at this point, it was already a lot. 

"No need to thank me, just tell me if there is anything I could do, and I will. How do you feel about today, would you like to do anything?" Mario asked. 

"Uhm... If there's something you'd like to do, of course we can do that, but, I really wouldn't want to do anything special today. I'm still a little bit shaken by... you know what, and I would just like to stay here, not doing much," Marco mumbled quietly, and Mario nodded. 

"Of course Marco, and don't worry, we really don't have to do anything," Mario told Marco, and with those words, both of them fell silent for a while. 

For the rest of the day, they didn't move much, they just stayed on the couch and watched TV, and talked time to time. Mario knew that Marco most likely needed time to gather his thoughts, and he was willing to give it to him. Marco told him a little more about his life, about his family and the people who he somehow considered, or at least had considered his friends. Mario learned more about Marco all the time, and Mario told Marco things too. Even though they didn't do much, they certainly had the time to talk, and Mario could feel how they got closer, and how Marco trusted Mario more all the time. 

Mario also learned to like Marco more and more, he felt bad for him, but he also genuinely liked him. Marco was sweet and caring, and Mario could see the tiny sparks in his eyes when he talked about the things that he loved, or at least used to love. Mario had no idea why had some people ever treated Marco the way they had. Marco didn't deserve this at all, and Mario was hopeful that he could turn things around, to make Marco feel loved and cherished again. 

At one point of the evening, Mario had gone to make dinner, and had left Marco to the living room. He had carefully listened to whether Marco was alright or not, and luckily he hadn't heard anything, as he prepared the dinner. He then invited Marco to come to eat, and Marco did. Mario watched for a moment as Marco tried to eat, and Mario could see that Marco really tried, but he just couldn't force down a lot more than a few bites. Mario would have to try to do something about this too, Marco was already way too skinny, and he would have to eat more, but Mario thought that they had already talked about enough hard subjects today, so he didn't bring up Marco's eating. 

After that, Mario had taken a shower, and let Marco do the same. Mario was positive that there weren't any sharp objects in his bathroom anymore, and he had almost calmed down, when he heard a groan of pain coming from the direction of his bathroom.


	8. Not the only one worrying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all of you who are still reading, your feedback means so much to me and makes me more than happy.  
> Sorry that updating took so long, and that it's rather a short chapter, but I hope that you like it nevertheless. Please let me know what you think, it would be a huge motivation :-)  
> There might be some mistakes in this chapter, sorry about them.

Mario couldn't even think the situation through before he felt his legs moving to the direction of his bathroom. He was terrified about what might have happened to Marco, and when he finally reached the bathroom, he pushed the door with force, and luckily it wasn't locked. He got inside, and saw Marco, lying on the ground, struggling to get up. 

"Oh my God, Marco what happened?" Mario asked, as he started to help Marco get back up. 

"I fell, the floor was slippery," Marco said quietly, as he got back up on his feet, helped by Mario. Mario still could feel his heart beating like crazy, but a little more relived. He had been afraid that Marco had done something bad to himself, but, it seemed to have been only a simple accident. 

"Shit, I should've warned you, I'm sorry for not telling you," Mario said as he looked at Marco who was only in his boxers. Marco was very slim, very very slim. Mario could point out bones from his body, and he also saw something else, which was even more scary that Marco's slimness. There were scars everywhere, Mario had seen Marco's arms which were already full of scars, but there were scars all over Marco's body, on his stomach, his thighs, his legs, everywhere. 

"I'm sorry that you had to see this," Marco said, as he must have seen Mario looking at him, and then quickly pulled on his shirt and sweatpants. "And don't be sorry for not warning me about the floor, I should have seen it myself, I'm just too stupid."

"No, Marco, you're not stupid! Just don't worry about this, you'll know next time that it might be slippery, though I'll do something to it for sure," Mario said, wishing that Marco wasn't so insecure. It hurt a lot to see Marco thinking that a simple accident like that was his fault. 

"I'm still sorry, you must have been going to bed already," Marco said, as he looked at Mario, his eyes bloodshot and tired looking. 

"I was going to wish you good night before that," Mario said. He didn't have any plans to fall asleep before Marco. 

"I wanted to say something, too." Marco said and then took a deep breath before he said. "I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for not giving up on me, and thank you for still being here, you really help me a lot," Marco said and managed a weak smile, which made Mario's heart flutter instantly. 

"Thank you for telling this to me, Marco, it means a lot," Mario said, honestly. If he was able to help Marco at least a little bit, he was happy. But he was going to help Marco a lot more for sure, that was sure. 

"No, thank you, really," Marco said, as they began walking to the direction of the bedroom where Marco was sleeping. "Without you I wouldn't be here today." 

"And you'll be here many more days," Mario said, and then stood still by Marco's door. He really wanted to stay with Marco for a little longer, but he knew that Marco was more than exhausted and needed a good night of sleep. Mario would have liked to hug him until he fell asleep, but somehow, Mario knew that it was still too early for that.

"With your help, maybe I can," Marco said, and couldn't suppress a yawn. 

"I'll see to that Marco. But now you must be tired, so good night," Mario said, and a little insecurely got a little closer to Marco. He really wanted to give him a hug, but wasn't sure if he was allowed to. Marco however showed no signs of objection, he only bit his lip, but looked at Mario in the eyes. The look Marco gave to Mario, told him that he could hug him, and that he wouldn't be scared by it. 

Mario carefully moved closer, and then again, slowly, put his arms around Marco's back, and squeezed him slightly, not too strongly but not too lightly either. Mario felt his own body melting against Marco's, but, he also felt Marco's body slowly relaxing in his arms. Marco sighed softly, and buried his face in the crook of Mario's neck. 

Mario felt like his heart would fly, he was so happy that Marco relaxed at least a little bit, before he slowly drew back, to give Marco his space. Marco looked grateful, and now smiled even wider, slowly letting go of Mario's touch. 

"Thank you Mario, and good night," Marco said, and was about to close the door, before Mario stopped him. 

"Marco wait! Can you promise me one thing?" 

"What is it?" Marco asked, a little hesitantly. 

"Promise me that you'll be here when I wake up, and that you won't hurt yourself tonight. It would kill me if you did. Just tell me if anything is wrong and I'll try to help."

"I promise Mario. I would never hurt you," Marco said, looking very serious.

"Thank you," Mario said, and gave Marco one last smile, before Marco closed the door. 

Mario sighed deeply, and then rubbed his eyes with his hands. He really wasn't tired yet, there were too many things going through his mind. He was about to walk to the kitchen, when he heard someone's phone beeping, and it definitely wasn't his. 

Mario walked to the direction of the sound because it didn't stop, he wanted it to stop so that it wouldn't wake Marco up, if he was asleep already. Mario made his way through the apartment, only to find himself in front of the pile of the clothes which Marco had worn when they had met. Mario carefully went through the pockets of Marco's jeans, and then he could feel a smartphone touching his hand. He got it out, and unlocked it, only to find out that the phone was blowing up with notifications. 

The first notification was that the phone was nearly running out of battery, and that was what had caused the beeping sound. Mario closed it, and found the charger of his own phone, which was luckily suitable for Marco's phone also. He then couldn't advert his eyes from the other notification, and he figured that maybe Marco wouldn't mind him checking them. Maybe it was something important, maybe somebody was getting worried about Marco. 

Mario eyed through the messages, most of them were from somebody called Marcel, and a few of them were from his parents, each of them more worried than the last one.


	9. Where have you been?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone :-)   
> Here's another update, I hope that it's not disappointing and that you enjoy reading it. Thanks so much for the feedback so far, and again it would mean a lot to me :-)  
> Sorry for the mistakes again, English isn't my first language.

"Marco do you want to grab a beer or something?  
Marcel 21:13

"Robin might come too"   
Marcel 21:17 

"Do you want to have dinner with your father and I tomorrow?  
\- mama 

"Come on man answer"   
Marcel 22:30 

"Dude where are you, you haven't been online for ages?"   
Marcel 9:30 

"Marcel says he's worried about you... Is something going on?"  
Robin 9:33

"Sweetie, would you mind answering, I'm going to go to the supermarket soon"  
mama 10:02

"Seriously Marco, would you start answering or showing some signs of life, me and Robin are getting worried"   
Marcel 15:49

"I'll ask Yvonne instead then, since you can't apparently make it. Is everything alright?"   
mama 

"Marco I swear if you're not answering by tomorrow I'm going to come look for you"   
Marcel 19:40 

"Marco we are really worried, please answer"  
\- Robin 19:59

"For real Marco..."   
Marcel 21:58 

"If you don't answer me tomorrow morning I'm coming to look for you"   
Marcel 23:55

Mario read the messages again and again, with weird feelings surging through him. It was now the morning after the night he had seen those messages, he had needed time to think, and he couldn't basically do anything right now before Marco would wake up. Mario himself had barely caught any sleep, still of course being worried about Marco, but these messages had brought out some new worries. 

Mario had been right with his doubts, Marco really wasn't completely left out, and there were people caring about him. Obviously, this guy called Marcel was worried about Marco, but still the situation made Mario thoughtful. Marco had been certain that Marcel nor anybody else cared about him anymore, and Mario did trust Marco's word. 

Mario didn't know anything about Marcel, and honestly he would have to ask Marco's about this. Mario didn't know how to break the news though. 

Mario put the phone back down on top of Marco's clothes, and went to the kitchen, again starting to make breakfast. By now he knew what Marco preferred, he had found out that much that he always drank his coffee black, and that he didn't eat much at all. Mario was going to try get Marco eat more, little by little. He knew that it was going to be a challenge, because after all, Marco didn't do much during the days and didn't burn energy. And of course Marco's self confidence had taken quite a few hits and he seemed to hate his body, and Mario would try to do something to that too.

Mario had just finished preparing breakfast when he heard someone coming to the kitchen, and he turned to look around, to see Marco walking to the kitchen, his hair tousled all over his sleepy face. He looked simply adorable and Mario felt a sting in his heart, how could someone as gorgeous as Marco see himself so detestable as Marco saw himself?

"Good morning," Mario said and sat down, motioning Marco to sit opposite to him. 

"Good morning," Marco answered, sounding sleepy. 

"How are you this morning?"

"Normal. As good as I can be, I guess," Marco answered, but looked heart broken, and Mario was really hoping that the news of his friends and his mother missing him would cheer him up. 

"Just tell me if anything is wrong." 

"Just the normal things..." Marco answered and Mario was about to ask him to tell him more when Marco opened his mouth again. "How did you sleep, am I bothering? Should I go somewhere for the day, do you want to be alone?"

"No, God no Marco you aren't bothering. I don't have anything to do, I'm on vacation for now," Mario answered, as he sensed that Marco didn't want to talk about his problems now. Mario actually wasn't even officially on vacation, he would have to make a few calls but he wasn't going to leave Marco alone now. 

"Alright, I just... I'm sorry, I still have a hard time understanding that this isn't a dream, it's taking a while to get used to this..." Marco said. "Get used to somebody caring about me," he added with a sniff and Mario instantly got up to hug him. He hugged Marco for a brief moment before he let go and looked at Marco, who had calmed down a little bit. 

Mario offered Marco his sandwich, and coffee. They ate for a while in silence, before Marco again pushed the plate away, having eaten a little more than yesterday, and Mario took it as a success. Mario finished his own sandwich and then took a deep breath, deciding that now would be the time to tell Marco. 

"Marco, there's something I want you to know," Mario began. 

"What is it?" Marco asked, pure terror shining through his eyes and Mario realized that he had made a mistake, he had scared Marco. 

"It's nothing bad, don't worry," Mario said and saw how Marco visibly relaxed. 

"Last night, your phone kept on beeping, so I went to stop it, I hope that you don't mind," Mario began, hoping that Marco wouldn't get insulted by him looking at his phone. 

"Of course not, it was the battery running out, right?"

"Yeah, it was the battery, but when I opened your phone, I also saw quite a few messages there too..." Mario said, and looked at Marco's expression which was downright shocked. 

"Oh." 

"Most of them were from someone called Marcel, a few of them from a guy called Robin, and your mother," Mario said, and Marco still didn't seem to find any words. "I read the messages, I hope that you didn't mind me doing that." 

"Uhm, no I don't mind... I wasn't expecting any messages in the first place. What were they about?" Marco asked.   
"They were them asking about you. Marcel was clearly very concerned, and so was your mother. Marcel threatened to come to look for you today unless you don't answer him," Mario explained, and Marco had his mouth hanging open now, he looked really surprised. 

"I- can I see the messages?" Marco asked, and Mario went to pick up Marco's phone, and then handed it to Marco. Marco took the phone in his hands, and unlocked it with trembling fingers, before he started to read. 

Marco's face went blank and his eyes started to fill with tears. Mario pulled a chair next to him and sat there, wordlessly giving him comfort. Marco opened his mouth a couple of times, apparently trying to speak, but closed it again and again, before he one time spoke. 

"I didn't expect this. I- I really didn't know that they care this much. The last time I heard from Marcel was weeks ago, I don't know what made him ask me now. I honestly don't know what to make out of this, I'm so surprised."

"Marco, I understand, but this is good, isn't it? See how much they care. You aren't forgotten Marco, people care about you." 

"I wouldn't be so sure about that." 

"I know that it's hard to believe."

"They didn't care about me in the first place, why would they care now?"

"Because you're a wonderful person Marco, your family and your friends care about you."

"What should I do now?" Marco asked, and looked at Mario with big eyes, he was clearly still very shocked by everything. 

"Well, I think that you should let them know about you. They are clearly worried and you don't want to worry them more, do you?" 

"What will I tell them when they ask where have I been?"

"You could just tell them that you're alright, and then maybe ask them to come here, or meet them somewhere... It's up to you Marco, but I guess it would be good if they knew what is going on." 

"Maybe they don't care... I mean they've seen my scars but seem not to care."

"Marco, I'm sure that that's not the case. Often, when people see signs about their beloved ones self harming, they choose to ignore it only because they refuse to accept that it's the truth. You'll have to speak with Marcel, and it wouldn't hurt if you let your mother know that you're alive." 

"I don't know if that's the truth..." 

"I know Marco, but it wouldn't hurt to try, would it? Look, just talking to Marcel would be a huge step forward." 

"Maybe Marcel... But I can't talk to my mom, I simply can't. I'll just send her a text that I'm alright." 

"Whatever you feel comfortable with, Marco. I know that you can do this," Mario said, and then watched as Marco took a deep breath and quickly typed to his mother that he was alright and sorry for not letting her know that he couldn't make it to dinner. It hurt Mario to see that Marco wasn't comfortable enough for letting his mother know what was going on, but he understood it, after all what Marco had been through, he couldn't just start telling people, it would be too much. 

"And now I should call Marcel, right?" Marco asked with a shaking voice, but with determination in his eyes, and Mario smiled at him. Mario patted Marco's back and nodded to him, giving him encourage. 

"I will be here. Just take your time, and if it gets too much, I'll be here, I'll help you." 

"Thank you," Marco mumbled. Marco closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths, before he swiped his fingers over the screen, and called Marcel. 

 

\---

 

Marco barely had had time to raise the phone on his ear, before Marcel already answered. 

"Marco?!" 

"Yeah, it's me, hi."

"Marco, thank God it's you! Where have you been!? We've all been worried sick about you!" Marcel accused and Marco started to feel the lump forming in his throat. He didn't know what to do, he was shocked that Marcel was this worried, and he didn't know how to explain himself. 

"I've, been busy, I'm just-" 

"Marco you sound weird, is everything alright?" Marcel interrupted him. Marco took deep breaths to keep himself calm, and he also felt Mario's hand on his other hand, giving him courage to go on. 

"No, don't worry, I'm fine-" Marco managed to say, before Mario's grip on his hand tightened. Marco looked up at Mario who was looking at him in the eyes, and Marco wondered what was going on until he realized it. 

He had again told Marcel that he was fine, which wasn't really the case. He had again lied, and Mario had noticed it.

"I'm sorry," Marco said, out loud, much to his own surprise.

"Sorry for what?" Marcel asked at the other end of the line. Marco looked at Mario helplessly, he didn't know what to do anymore. Mario however had his hand raised towards Marco, and motioned Marco to give him his phone. 

"Uhm, Marcel, there's someone wanting to talk to you," Marco said, and then gave Mario the phone before he could back away. 

Mario put the phone on his ear, but never let go off Marco's hand. Marco rubbed his eyes with his other hand that wasn't trapped underneath Mario's, and focused on the fact that he had in fact almost gotten through the phone call with Marcel 

"Hi Marcel... No, I'm Marco's friend... Yes he is... Or no he is not... Yes you can talk with him, just not now... I think it would be good if you saw each other... Yes he is here with me, now, we're at my home... Marcel, I understand that you're worried, but please calm down... Yes you can come here... In a few hours maybe?... Sure... Okay see you then... Yes good bye..." 

Marco looked at Mario who smiled at him tenderly, letting Marco know that it was alright. 

"Marcel is coming in a few hours," Mario announced and Marco gulped. Maybe this could be good.


	10. Now I'll be here for you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the feedback I've gotten, it means so much to hear your thoughts!  
> Here is another chapter, it was quick to write and I wanted to post it tonight. There probably are a few mistakes in it, since I am not quite perfect in English. I hope that you will all like it ame I'd love to hear your thought about it again :)

Marco rubbed the sweat of his palms to his trousers in Mario's guest bedroom, where he had excused himself a few moments ago. 

He kept staring at the wall, not knowing what to think. He was going to see Marcel again. His friend. Or not his friend. Marco didn't know anymore. He had had the thought that one day his friends would find out in what condition was he in, but he had always pushed it to the back of his mind. He hadn't been able to tell them that he wasn't alright, and now Marcel would find out. Maybe it was a good thing. Or then it wasn't. 

Marco had just felt how him and Marcel had grown apart, how they didn't talk as much as they used to, how Marcel rather spent his time with some other people than Marco. And now Marcel seemed to care about him. 

Marco couldn't believe why. After all, Marcel had seen him with his blood shot eyes, seem his sleeves slipping upwards and then seen the scars. Yet he hadn't said a word. Marco had hoped that he would have noticed and asked him how he was, but that had never happened. Instead, Marcel had continued behaving normally, time to time asking Marco out to spend time with him. Marco had then become positive that it was his fault that Marcel didn't care about him, he wasn't worth the care and that for Marcel, it wouldn't matter was Marco alive or not. 

Marco rubbed his eyes as the tears again threatened to fall down, before he heard a knock on the door. "Marco, can I come in?" Mario called. 

"Yeah, sure," Marco called back and then Mario opened the door, smiling warmly. 

"Marcel just called again, asked for directions. He should be here any minute. Do you want me to leave you two to be alone, is there anything that you would like me to do?" Mario asked. 

"Don't leave!" Marco panicked. Mario was the only person in his life that he felt comfortable with, he wasn't sure how was he going to cope if Mario wasn't going to be there. 

"If you say so, I won't leave. Actually, I was thinking, I could explain to Marcel what has happened, I mean, you don't probably want to," Mario said. 

"You'd do that for me?" Marco asked. He really wasn't sure how was he supposed to explain to Marcel that he had nearly killed himself without breaking down. 

"Of course Marco. We're in this together, remember? I'll be there for you and help you, whenever you need me," Mario said, and just then the buzzer rang. 

"That must be Marcel, should I talk with him downstairs for a while, and then bring him up so you can talk, would that be easier for you?" Mario asked as he started to walk towards the door. 

"Yes," Marco just said and then Mario left. Marco heard the front door closing, so he forced himself to his legs, and then walked to the living room. 

Mario was gone for a good ten minutes, and Marco was as anxious as ever. He had sat to the corner of Mario's couch, and nearly jumped in the air as he heard the door open. 

It had been a few weeks since Marco had last seen Marcel, or talked to him on the phone. Marco hadn't even realized how much he missed his voice, and his company. Even though they didn't spend time that often and Marcel must have better friends, Marcel meant a lot to Marco. More than he should, Marco knew that Marcel would ever care of him as much as he did about him, but, Marco was able to live with it. 

"Marco must be in the living room," Marco heard Mario say, and then the sounds of the steps became louder and louder. Marco's heartbeat raced in his chest, as he waited for the two men to arrive. 

Then, Marco saw Marcel coming from around the corner, with a serious look on his face. He let out a relieved sigh when he saw Marco. Marco looked at Marcel who looked back at him, and Marco felt his heart hurt. Marcel was clearly stressed, and Marco had caused it. Marcel looked at him with a heartbroken expression on his face, and Marco quickly looked down, he felt like tearing up. It was already awkward, he didn't know what to do. He had failed before he had even spoken to Marcel, he had just given Marcel another reason to go away and not care about him. 

"Marco," Marcel said, and Marco looked up again, only to see that Marcel was now approaching with his arms open, and before Marco knew it, Marcel raised him on up from the couch and hugged him. Marco felt dumbfounded and shocked, but the cold feeling in his chest slowly went away. Marcel just hugged Marco tightly, barely giving Marco a chance to breathe, and Marco eventually managed to hug Marcel back, only faintly, not yet believing that this was true. 

"Marco thank God you called me, and thank God for Mario for telling me what had happened. I'm so sorry that I didn't notice anything earlier, I'm so so sorry. You mean so much to me Marco, never doubt that," Marcel said, and Marco was seriously doubting was he even awake. 

"You do?" Marco asked, as Marcel stopped embracing him, and sat down on the couch, pulling Marco right next to him. Marco was conscious that Mario was sitting in the living room too, but didn't say anything. 

"Yes Marco, I care so much! I'm so sorry that I didn't do anything earlier!" 

"You have nothing to apologize for," Marco said. If it was someone to blame, it would be him, Marco himself, Marco thought. 

"No Marco, yes I have to apologize. I should have seen that you weren't alright, I should've done something, asked you how are you, go out with you more often. I just always thought that you didn't want to spend time with me, or that you had someone else who you spent all your time with. God, I was so stupid!"

"Why did you think that I would spend all my time with someone else or that I wouldn't want to be with you?"

"You nearly spent any time on social media, you were almost never online, I simply thought that you were very busy. And sometimes you just seemed like you wanted to be alone, and I thought that I shouldn't bother... I didn't realize that you were so sad..." 

"But didn't you see... the scars and so on..." Marco simply had to ask.

"Yes I saw the scars too. I didn't want to accept that it was the truth Marco, I never could have thought that you were in such a bad condition. You didn't show signs that you were sad - or actually you did, I was just stupid enough not to see them. I accepted the explanations, a cat having scratched your arm or something like that, never seeing through the lies... I've been such a shitty friend..." Marcel said and looked really guilty. 

"No you haven't Marcel, it was me. I couldn't open my mouth, I should have said something and simply felt better, but I couldn't... And it's alright, I understand why you might not have wanted to be with me, after all I'm not that good company. I understand if you don't want to stay in touch with me," Marco said. 

"Marco, that is the biggest bullshit you have ever told me. You are amazing company Marco, you always listened to me when I had problems with my girlfriend, you have a good sense of humor, and you're a damn good chick magnet at the bars," Marcel said and winked, making Marco smile a tiny bit. "Don't ever blame this on you. I should have seen this, I should have been a better friend and from now on, I will be a lot better friend. Will you give me another chance Marco, will you forgive me for being an idiot and kind of start over, but with me now actually acknowledging what's wrong. Will you?"

"Like you'd even have to ask... Of course Marcel, I just... I don't know what I'm capable of doing right now. So many things went wrong. My confidence is below zero and I'm afraid of freaking everything. I won't probably be fun to be around with..." Marco said sadly. 

"Then I'm gonna help you get through everything, and we'll take things slowly, okay? We'll take our time, and we'll start with little things, like me actually asking how are you, what have you been doing, and so on." 

"I don't want you to feel like your obliged to do it," Marco said.

"Ha, you're not getting rid of me that easily, Marco. I said it to you already and I'll say it again, I care about you a lot, and I seriously do care about how are you and what are you up to. And now that I know what's going on, we can talk more openly and start spending time together, and going out when you feel like it," Marcel said, and Marco felt a lump in his throat. He had no idea what had he done to deserve this, to feel this wanted, and to get happiness, even just for a moment. 

"Thank you Marcel," Marco said. 

"You don't have to thank me Marco, I am the one who needs to thank Mario. Thank you Mario, for saving my friend and letting me in this, I seriously owe you so much," Marcel said and turned his gaze to Mario, who was smiling. 

"No need to thank me, I'm just happy that you're now here for Marco too," Mario said and smiled. Marco managed to give Mario back a faint smile. A smile he was so happy to give. 

 

\---

 

Mario closed the door behind Marcel, who had finally left after hours of talking. 

Mario had mostly let Marcel and Marco talk by themselves, giving them time to make up for their lost closeness. They had talked about a lot of things, and Mario was relieved to see Marco relax a little bit. He seemed to be at ease with Marcel, after all they had been friends for a long time. Somethings had just gone wrong and they hadn't been that close, but now they could be again. 

Marcel had actually cried when Mario had told him what had happened, how he had found Marco, how he had talked him out of jumping, and how he had taken Marco to live with him. Marcel had explained how he had really been clueless, he had thought that Marco was really busy or that he just wanted to be alone, but Marcel had had no idea that this might happen. 

Mario had understood him, something like this could be hard to grasp, but assured Marcel that Marco needed him now more than ever. Marcel had been eager to help, being relieved that Marco was still here, and that he would be able to be a better friend again, who he genuinely wanted to be. 

Mario walked back to the living room, and sat next to Marco, who looked somewhat happy - or well not happy yet, really, just happier than before. 

Mario talked with Marco about what had happened, and Marco told Mario that he was really pleased that everything had gone alright with Marcel, and he was happy that he had kind of gotten his friend back. Mario was so relieved and happy for Marco, finally something was going well for him. 

Later Mario ordered take out, and they both ate in silence, exchanging a few words about a few TV shows, but not really taking about anything serious. Mario knew that Marco was probably emotionally very worn out, and figured that it would be better if they talked more about what had happened tomorrow. 

The rest of the evening passed by quickly, and Marco said that he was going to go to bed early. Marco had just taken a shower, and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water, and Mario followed him there. 

"Are you sure you're alright, remember that you can tell me anything," Mario said. 

"Yes, I'm sure Mario. I'm alright really, but actually, there is something I want to tell you." 

"What is it?"

"I just wanted to say thank you. This day went so much better than I expected. You helped me through all of this, you helped me to stay alive to this moment, and I'm going to be forever thankful to you about that," Marco said and Mario couldn't help the smile spreading on his face.

"I'm so happy to be here for you, Marco," Mario said, and then hugged Marco quickly, before they wished each other good night. Marco went to his bedroom, and Mario decided to go to bed too, feeling worn out but happy about today.

 

\---

 

But what Marco hadn't mentioned to Mario, was that inside his wallet, he had hid a blade, and he was planning to use it.


	11. I tear my heart open

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is very very sad, I'm afraid. It might be triggering also, so please don't read if you feel like you might be triggered by self harming. 
> 
> Thanks again for all the support I've gotten, it means so much to me, and again, it would mean a lot with this chapter, if you'd tell me what you think. 
> 
> A thank you to everyone who will leave feedback, and once again, if you might be triggered, please don't read. 
> 
> +sorry for all the mistakes.

The horrible empty feeling was throbbing in his chest again. It was pressuring him, making it almost hard to breathe. The pressure inside him grew stronger and stronger, before a new tear dropped down on his cheek. 

He felt cold. He felt numb. A shiver ran through his body and left his body tingling, feeling cold and shaken from head to toes. He was already covered in goosebumps, his entire body felt cold, yet he felt like he deserved it. Another bad thought crossed his mind and he felt the chills again, this time a little stronger, leaving him very cold. 

Another sting in his chest. Another feeling of how everything disappears, and the empty feeling hurts. It hurts so much. Then it passes again, and another few tears drop down. 

The waves of despair hit him like a tidal wave, again and again, leaving him hurting and numb at the same time. It was like a wheel that would never stop. He would be fine for a few moments, then he'd be sad, he'd be miserable, he'd want to die and then the cycle would repeat itself. 

Marco is sitting on the bathroom floor, crying his heart out, and feeling the unbearable pain in his chest. He was holding his wallet in his hands, trying to fight the urge he had. He wanted to take the blade out, he wanted to slice his wrists, he wanted to cut, he wanted to bleed. He needed to bleed. 

The need to cut wasn't easy to explain, at all. It was something Marco had gotten into quite a while ago already. It was addicting, it was hooking, it was something Marco needed. The relief it made him get, the scars it made on his body, were addicting, and Marco missed them.

He missed the feeling of the cold metal on his skin, the feeling of blood running down his arms. He missed the way the blood looked, he missed the way his body was scratched and damaged, he missed the thin lines on his wrists, reminding him or his misery. 

Marco knew that he shouldn't do it, but yet, he wanted it so bad. It was one of the only things that used to give him comfort, and now he needed comfort.

The day had been so overwhelming for Marco. It even had been a relatively good day, but yet, the dark and bad thoughts had been circling his mind. He had been surrounded by the memories, by the horrible thoughts that each felt like a stab in his heart. Marco had been pushing these thoughts away as well as he had been able to, ever since Mario had saved him, but now, they were coming back, and hitting him with full force. 

He had escaped Mario, to the guest bedroom, again lying to him that he was fine. Marco felt bad for it, but he hadn't know what else to do. He didn't want to worry Mario, and, he didn't want Mario to know that he had fallen apart again. He didn't want Mario to see how weak he was. And even if there was a chance that Mario might be able to comfort Marco, Marco didn't want him to. He just knew that he needed to cut. It was too overwhelming, nothing could help him right now. 

Marco opened his wallet, and pulled out the tiny blade that was jammed between some bills and receipts. Marco's hands shook as he inspected the blade, that had become his closest companion during the darkest times of his life. 

Marco closed his eyes shut and dropped his wallet. He pulled his sleeves and made the final decision. He was going to do it. Technically, be had already made the decision, but, he always doubted himself.

Marco's hands were still shaking, and his breathing was shallow. Tears kept dropping down his face, as he tried to stay calm enough to actually bring the blade to his skin. 

Once the blade finally touched his skin, Marco felt relief. He pushed the blade down and cut, feeling how he sliced the skin. He breathed again, and withdrew the blade, before he put it down again, on his right wrist. He cut again and again, before after about ten cuts, he had had enough. 

He looked down at his arm, and swallowed. The cuts were dripping blood, and it was almost running down his arms. 

He knew that what he did was terrible, yet, he couldn't avoid it. He feel horrible for doing it, but it was a part of him, and he had needed it.

He cleaned the cuts under the running water, and eventually, the cuts closed and no more blood came out. He then washed his face and tucked himself under the covers. He felt ashamed, but relieved at the same time. 

Marco was worried what might tomorrow bring to him, but tonight was different. He wasn't afraid. He was waiting for something from tomorrow. Waiting for meeting Mario, waiting for seeing him. Something to live for.

 

\---

 

Mario had been waiting for Marco in the kitchen for quite a while now. He had started to prepare breakfast, and hoped that Marco would wake up soon, because he was dying to see how was Marco feeling today. Yesterday had been good, but there was never going to be a guarantee about how Marco would feel. So many things could go wrong. 

Mario had been worried about Marco during the night, not really knowing why in particular. Of course he was always worried about Marco, but now Mario had a really bad feeling again, almost like the kind of feeling he had had on the faithful day he had found Marco on the bridge. 

Mario had even checked on Marco during the night. He had gone to his door, but luckily he had only heard some quite snoring, so he had gone back to his own room, trying to shake the worry out of his mind. 

Yet, it was still bothering Mario. 

Mario drank some coffee and just stared out of the window, until he heard some sounds coming from the direction of Marco's room. He turned his head, and saw Marco who was walking towards him. 

"Good morning, Marco," Mario said, starting the conversation. 

"Good morning," Marco answered and pulled his sleeves lower, looking like he was freezing. Marco's eyes were puffy and his breathing was shallow. Something not so good was going on. 

"Are you alright?" 

"I'm fine."

"Don't lie to me Marco," Mario said, but Marco seemed to hesitate. Marco was definitely holding something from Mario. If Mario hadn't been calm before, now he definitely wasn't. He wanted Marco to get it off his chest, no matter what it was.

"It's nothing," Marco said with a weak voice and Mario tried to be gentle with Marco. 

"It's not nothing, just tell me whatever it is. Trust me," Mario begged. Marco looked at him with big eyes and rubbed his arms nervous, and just then he screwed his up face in pain and yelped. 

"Marco what is wrong!?" Mario said, immediately alert, and moved closer to Marco. Marco held his hand on his lap, putting some pressure on it. Marco's expression was still painful, and soon tears followed. 

"It's fine, let me just get this good again," Marco said and stood up. Mario didn't understand what was going on, he just knew that something was wrong, so he took a hold of Marco's arm, trying to keep Marco from going. 

"What is it Marco, let me help you-" Mario began before he saw it. 

Through the cotton of Marco's shirt, there was dripping blood. Mario gasped and froze to the spot. He stared at Marco, who had his eyes cast down. 

Marco had apparently been cutting. 

Mario's heart dropped, he was hurt by the thought that Marco had been hurting himself. Mario really wished that he could have prevented it from happening, he really wished that there was something he could do.

"Let me take care of you, Marco," Mario said, and looked at Marco. Mario saw the most gorgeous human being he had ever seen, and he would make him feel better, no matter what.


	12. Promises and propositions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, here's another chapter for you guys. I'd again like thank you for all the feedback you've given me, it makes me really happy, and makes me more motivated to continue!   
> I hope that you'll like this chapter as well, and again I'm sorry about all the mistakes. It would mean the world if you left kudos/comments :)

Mario heard how Marco's breath hitched, as he poured some of the disinfectant on the wounds. 

"It's not gonna hurt long," Mario said, as he wiped the wounds clean and then dried them. 

Mario was still heartbroken, and he could only imagine how hurt Marco must feel. Mario had thought that Marco was better, that he wouldn't have to do this to himself, and that he would come to Mario if he felt like doing this. But Marco hadn't come.   
Mario understood that he had his reasons, probably he still didn't trust Mario enough, or thought something like he didn't want to bother Mario. Of course Marco wouldn't have bothered Mario, and Mario was desperately trying to figure out a way to convince Marco that he really could tell anything to Mario, anytime. 

Mario had been aware that Marco might self harm any moment, but somehow Marco having such a good day and then telling Mario that he was fine had convinced Mario that he was really alright. Of course Mario shouldn't have believed him and maybe Mario had been a little stupid, but he hadn't wanted to push Marco to well him anything either. 

Marco was so delicate and fragile, Mario felt like the tiniest movement or one wrong word could kill him. He wanted Marco to be more confident about himself, and be surer about himself, because to Mario, Marco was one of the most gorgeous creations he had ever seen. Even though Marco was so broken and devastated, Mario could see the beautiful and wonderful person Marco had been, and still was. 

Mario hadn't been completely honest with himself. He had been trying to assure himself that his feelings for Marco were purely platonic, but, he knew that that wasn't really the case. Every time Mario saw Marco hurting, he himself hurt, and every time he saw Marco smiling, his heart leaped. Every time Mario was close to Marco or hugged him, he wanted to kiss him and just hold him close, like a lover would do. 

But Mario would suppress his own feelings. Marco wasn't ready for any relationship right now, and if Mario would try something with him, surely he'd never get Marco's trust. It's not like Mario wanted to try anything, anyway. He just wanted what would be the best for Marco, and right now, the best for Marco would be just to focus on getting better. Mario could wait for Marco, he'd be there whenever Marco would feel better, and then start a new life. Maybe with him, if Marco returned his feelings, Mario couldn't be sure. 

Mario shook his head in his mind as he dried the rest of the wounds, that had already closed. The wounds looked quite deep and bad, and Marco had obviously cut quite badly. There wasn't blood anymore, that was good, but Mario still decided to cover them with a bondage, to avoid the wounds opening again. 

"I think we're done here," Mario said, and looked around. Marco let his hand stay on the table as Mario looked around. What blade had Marco used? Mario had been sure that he hadn't left anything sharp to the guest bedroom. 

Mario looked at Marco, who was still gazing down. Now he was breathing steadily though, but he was still silent, and Mario wasn't sure how to go on with the situation. 

"Did I put the bondage on too tight?" Mario asked, trying to make Marco see that he wasn't disappointed or angry with him. 

"No, uh, it's good, thank you," Marco said, and he finally looked up. All the hurt and pain in Marco's eyes was killing Mario, and Mario needed to try something to make Marco feel better. But, he also needed to know where had Marco gotten the blade. 

"Mario," Marco said, and interrupted Mario's excessive thinking. 

"Yes?" Mario asked and sat opposite to Marco. He was happy that Marco was speaking again. 

"I'm sorry for what I've done. I know that I shouldn't have done it, it was just too much to handle. I really needed to do it, I'm addicted, I couldn't stop myself." 

Mario listened to Marco speechless, he was expecting Marco to say anything, especially something like that. 

"You don't have to be sorry for this Marco. I understand that it's hard for you to resist the temptation. But I guess you know that I don't feel good about this, I don't like seeing you hurt. I want you to stop this, you shouldn't have to go through this, you shouldn't have to feel the need to hurt yourself. You don't need to. Marco you're wonderful, beautiful and amazing, you don't need to do this. Nobody needs to do this. I'm sure that one day you won't have to do this, and I want to help you get there. I don't want to see you hurting, or hurting yourself, but I understand that you can't get rid of this straight away either," Mario said, hoping that he wouldn't sound too pushy, but also that Marco understood that he wasn't completely clueless either. 

"I... I don't know what to say. Thank you Mario, I don't think anyone has understood me like you do. You're right, I can't stop this right away, but I still do feel the need to do this. I'm addicted, I feel like I deserve this-" 

"No Marco, you don't deserve this. Nobody does. And I'm going to make you realize it Marco, one way or another. One day you can be happy again, and be free from self harming," Mario said, dead seriously, and took Marco's hand in his. Marco glanced up at him with big eyes, this time with his eyes wet from tears. 

"I am trying to believe that, and I will forever be thankful to you. I can't really understand why you do this, but I'm starting to get used to it. I hate to see you feeling bad about this, the last thing I want to do is hurt you. You've given me everything," Marco said, his voice breaking in the end. 

"Yes, the thought of you hurting yourself hurts me, but, remember that we're in this together, you're not alone. I will help you, and you will help yourself too," Mario said and brushed his thumb over Marco's hand. "And that would mean you telling me something. Where did you get that blade you cut with?"

"I brought it here with my things. I've been keeping a blade in my wallet. It's still there, it's just been there in case the urge would get too strong."

"Would you throw it out? For me? I don't want you to use it anymore Marco, I really don't," Mario pleaded.

"I don't think I can..." 

"Would you mind if I threw it out?"

"You probably should. I won't mind you doing that."

"Then I will, and I will make sure that you won't have to use any blade anymore. Marco, I really hope that you understand that you can tell me anything, anytime. Whenever you're feeling down, just tell me, and I'll listen, I'll hold you, I'll do anything to stop you from hurting yourself." 

"Thank you," Marco was all said, and managed a faint smile. 

 

\---

 

Marco sighed deeply, as he and Mario sat in front of the TV again, watching the ending of yet another movie. They had done this quite often, and Marco had to admit that it was relaxing and calmed him down. Drowning into the movie made him forget about his worries. Mario's presence helped even more though. Sometimes, they touched, and it strangely made Marco even calmer. 

Right now, Mario's arm was resting on Marco's shoulders, giving him warmth and shelter. Marco was still shaken about what had happened today, but he was getting over it, slowly. Marco couldn't understand how had Mario taken everything so well, Marco never could have even imagined that he would get the support Mario was giving him now. 

Mario had really thrown the blade away, and it was actually a kind of an relief. Marco wouldn't be able to cut with it anymore, it was another part of his life that Marco could start forgetting now. He would probably cut again, he knew himself that much, but, now he had a reason to try to stop. 

Mario was his reason not to cut, and Marco was going to hold on to it. He yet couldn't grasp how Mario cared so much, but, Marco was trying to believe it, and Mario was showing him how he cared, all the time. He made sure Marco had everything he needed, asked about his feelings, and offered him things Marco didn't even know he could get, like him holding him. 

Mario had also again assured Marco that he didn't mind Marco staying with him, and that he was actually glad that Marco was with him. Mario had told him that he would be less lonely that way, and that he liked Marco. 

Marco couldn't understand how and why, but he was trying to believe it, as everything else. And truth to be told, he loved staying with Mario. Mario never showed any sign that Marco would be bothering him, which was stunning. Usually Marco had always felt like he'd be bothering, but right now, he wasn't. 

Mario moved next to him, and yawned. 

"Sleepy?" Marco asked. He tried to be more talkative nowadays, wanting to show Mario that he wasn't a complete dork. He was just very quiet, but luckily Mario was easy to talk to. 

"Yes, but there's something I want to talk about before that," Mario said, and caught Marco by surprise. 

"What is it?"

"Uhm, well, you know I promised to hold you and be there for you always, so I have a proposition," Mario said and blushed. 

"Mhm?" 

"I guess it would be better if we shared the same room, during the night too. My bed is quite big, and I wouldn't mind some company. Just for sleeping you know, I wouldn't try anything, don't worry about it. Of course you can say no and everything, I just wanted to tell you that for me it would be okay and could be quite nice. What do you say, would you like to sleep with me, in my bed?" Mario asked, and now really caught Marco by surprise.


	13. Side by side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry that it took so long to finish this chapter. I've been awfully busy with everything, and honestly I'd like to write this story a lot more than I am right now, and if I find the time there'll be more updates soon :)  
> Thank you for all the feedback again, it keeps me going!  
> I hope that you'll like this chapter and again it would mean the world if you decided to share your thoughts with me :)  
> Sorry for the mistakes again, I'll try to correct them later if I have time.

"Yes," Marco said, without further thinking. 

The thought about sleeping in the same bed with Mario excited him in an odd way. Not necessarily in a bad way, it was just a strange idea. Marco had never slept next to anyone in his life. Only when he had been a small baby, but after that he had always had his own room and he had never been to a sleep over. So, the thought about sleeping next to someone was odd, and slightly terrifying, but it was different with Mario. 

Mario had made him feel so secure and cared, so he couldn't think of a reason why he shouldn't accept his offer. The thought that Marco would do something that would make Mario disgusted or mad at him still scared Marco though, but he thought that he should take the risk. If this was what Mario wanted, he would be willing to try, Marco would sleep in the same bed with him. 

"Really?" Mario asked, but a wide smile spread on his face. 

"Yes. I don't know though, I'm sorry if I do something wrong, I've never slept in the same bed with anyone so..." Marco said, not finishing the sentence.

"I understand Marco, but really, you don't have to feel bothered by anything. It will go fine, trust me, but of course, if you find it uncomfortable, we don't have to, in the future." 

"Thanks Mario. I think I will like it though," Marco said, and managed a faint smile too. Maybe, Mario's presence would help him get rid of the nightmares, at least for a while. It was exhausting to wake up to a bad dream nearly every morning, and then start the day in a sad mood. 

"We'll see, take no pressure," Mario said, and brushed his hand over Marco's. 

Marco was about to smile, too, but there was something he had been wanting to ask from Mario for a rather long time now. There was a few things he didn't understand, and they were bothering him. 

"Can I ask you something?" 

"Sure," Mario answered.

"How do you know so much about all this stuff? I mean, how do you know how to make me feel better, and how to be around me, when I'm sad," Marco said, and wondered if he was making any sense at all.

"Oh, that," Mario said and cleared his throat before he started to speak. "When I was a child, my mother was depressed. She often had a hard time, not as bad as you, she knew how to cover it around me and my brothers, but as I got older I started to see behind all the walls she had built. Later I found out that she had been going to therapy and gotten a medication, and gradually she got better. It wasn't easy realizing it, and knowing that she was suffering, when I felt like I couldn't do anything," Mario explained, and Marco immediately felt guilty for asking. 

"I'm sorry to hear that," Mario said, casting down his eyes. 

"Don't be sorry, she's better now, but maybe that's how I know how to behave around you, although, you're not really someone who I 'deal with', really. I like being with you," Mario explained and kept looking at Marco. 

"That's what I don't understand either. I really don't understand why you are being so kind to me. Why did you take me to live with you, just like that? I could've been a serial killer or something," Marco mumbled, embarrassed. 

"I could see it from your eyes that you're a good guy, Marco, life has just been cruel on you. I trust you. And why did I take you to live with me? Because I felt drawn to you. I want to help you, and I don't want you to stay alone. I was actually looking for a roommate even before you, I don't like staying by myself."

"But I'm not much company, and by the way, I want to start paying you rent or something, otherwise I feel guilty-" 

"Marco, you really don't have to. And yes, you are company, we're spending a nice time together right now, aren't we?" Mario asked, and made Marco smile.  
"If you say so," Marco said and sighed. Maybe this night could be alright, as well as his life in general. Maybe one day. 

 

\---

Mario pulled the covers over his body, as he waited for Marco to come to the bed.

Mario had asked Marco to come to his room, to sleep in the same bed as he did. Marco hadn't seemed to be more awkward than usual, and eventually they had agreed that they should try this, because it could help Marco. Marco didn't say it, but Mario knew that Marco knew that this could be a good thing, too. 

Mario had decided to wear a shirt this night, even though he usually didn't. He didn't want Marco to feel uncomfortable. Mario was pretty sure that Marco would wear the longer shirt he usually did, but he didn't know what kind of pants would be wear. Mario himself was only wearing boxers, he just had never gotten used to sleeping in anything else. 

Mario heard Marco stop the water in the bathroom, and he stepped to the room. Marco wore the sweatpants Mario had given him, but he wore a short sleeved shirt which Mario had also given him. Mario's mouth ran dry as he looked at Marco, with his slightly tousled hair.

Even if Marco was skinny, even if he had scars visible, he was still very damn beautiful, and handsome. Mario had to swallow down the sudden lump in his throat and the heatwave running though his body nearly made him shiver. 

Marco smiled sheepishly, walked around the bed and then carefully sat on it, even though the mattress barely moved. Marco then pulled the covers on the side and quickly slipped under the covers and turned to look at Marco. 

"Just tell me if you want me to leave," Marco said. 

"I'm sure I won't want you to leave," was all Mario managed to say. He was absolutely mesmerized by Marco's beauty, his head resting on the white pillow and the covers moving as his chest rose up and down. 

"Thank you. As I said I don't know how will this go, so if I toss or turn or snore or do anything inappropriate just wake me up," Marco pleaded.

"I will Marco, don't worry," Mario said and smiled, and turned off his phone. "Do you want to read or do something or should I turn the lights off?" 

"No, I'll be fine you can turn them off," Marco answered. Mario took one last look of the gorgeous man next to him before he switched off the light, and it became almost pitch black in the bedroom. 

The atmosphere wasn't tensed, but it wasn't relaxed either. Mario tried to figure out should he still try to talk to Marco, but the yawn Marco tried to suppress made the decision for him. 

"Good night Marco, I hope you'll sleep well. Just wake me up if you feel bad, okay?" Mario said and waited for Marco's answer. 

"I will do that Mario, thank you. Good night!" Marco wished, and then it became quiet. 

 

\---

 

Mario woke up to the sun trying to force its way through the closed blinds, and, something unfamiliar pressing his chest. 

He carefully opened his eyes, and what he saw, was Marco's head on his chest, and his tattooed arm wrapped around him.


	14. Unusual and usual

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bad day, bad thoughts, and probably a bad and a party sad chapter. I just wanted to post this today, I hope that it's alright, at least.  
> Thank you for still giving me feedback and staying with this story, it means so much, and keeps me going.   
> I hope that you'll like this chapter too, feedback would mean so much, :)  
> Sorry for the mistakes again, English isn't my first language and I've read this only once before posting this here, so there are bound to be mistakes.

Mario couldn't help the smile spreading on his face as he felt Marco's still sleepy breath on his chest. 

Marco was sleeping there so peacefully, holding onto Mario tightly. His face was relaxed and sleepy, Mario had never seen him like this before. Marco looked so beautiful, occasionally flickering his eyelashes and moving his finger on Mario's chest. 

He looked so in peace. Probably he wasn't having any nightmares, and even that must mean a lot to him, not to mention the fact that he would wake up next to someone for the first time in his life. It made Mario extremely happy to be that one person who he'd wake up next to, to be that person to make him happy. 

Mario hoped that Marco wouldn't be too startled after all. Marco surely had had no intention to actually touch Mario, he had just moved in his sleep, and he would probably be embarrassed once he woke up, but Mario would try to see to him not feel embarrassed. He had meant every word that he had said, when he had asked Marco to wake him up if he would have a nightmare or if he just needed someone to be there for him.   
Of course Marco hadn't done that, and Mario understood that it would be something extremely hard for Marco to do. Mario wouldn't demand it, but he hoped that once Marco would start to trust him more, he could let Mario help him, because Mario really wanted to help him. 

He'd be so happy if Marco told him what was wrong. Mario could help him, but he was pretty sure that he wasn't going to be enough. Depression often needs some real help; like seeing a psychiatrist, going to therapy, and so on. Mario would have the break the news to Marco gently. Luckily, Mario knew a great psychiatrist, he had visited him a couple of times himself, and he was the person whom his mother had visited. 

Mario was busy with his thoughts and just enjoying the feeling of Marco's body radiating warmth against him. Mario himself hadn't had any company in a long time, and it was pleasant having Marco around, not to mention him sleeping next to him. Mario wanted someone to love himself, he wasn't the type of guy who just liked changing from one partner to another. He was looking for a serious relationship.

He didn't yet know what Marco felt towards him, but he hoped for the best. At least it didn't seem too bad. Mario was strongly attracted to Marco, and Mario really hoped that Marco might be attracted to him, too. He knew that Marco thought in a way that nobody would like to be with him, but, Mario was going to try to show him that it wasn't the truth. 

Marco moved slightly next to him, and started to open his eyes. Mario hastened to rub Marco's other hand gently, trying to wake him up carefully, so that it wouldn't be a big shock to Marco when he'd wake up, basically lying almost on top of him. Mario continued his efforts until Marco's eyelids flickered open.

Mario then didn't even have time to react before Marco had gotten into a sitting position faster than he had thought was possible. The cold air hit Mario and he wondered what he had done wrong, before he heard Marco mumble. 

"Sorry, I'm sorry I didn't meant to.." Marco said as he pulled away a little bit, but Mario didn't let him go too far. 

"Don't be sorry, Marco! I am not bothered by this, at all, quite the contrary," Mario admitted and suddenly blushed himself. 

"Still I shouldn't have gotten so... close. Sorry about that, I told you I wasn't sure how I would act in my sleep," Marco mumbled, still embarrassed. 

"Marco, please don't worry about it. I wouldn't have minded even if you had done it on purpose, really," Mario said and then pulled Marco closer, and hugged him, wanting to show him that he really wouldn't mind.   
Marco stayed still at first, but eventually, Mario felt him hug back, only faintly, but for Mario it was a victory. They hugged for a little while before Mario pulled away, not really wanting to, but he could sense that he should take it easy with Marco, plus, there was something he wanted to talk about with Marco. 

"Marco, I have a suggestion for you," Mario said. He had planned this late last night before he had fallen asleep. 

"What is it?"

"You've been inside for some time now, and I thought that maybe you'd like to go outside? Not alone, of course, but with me. We could go to the supermarket, and just see how it goes. What do you say?" Mario asked, full of hope.

"Uhm, sure, why not." Marco said, after thinking for a while, and then smiled at Mario. 

 

\---

 

Marco had just laced up his shoes, and he was nervously shifting from one leg to another in Mario's hall. They were about to go outside, just to take a small walk to the supermarket. 

Marco was extremely nervous as he watched Mario take the keys from the small table that stood up next to the wall, and closed the door behind then. Marco wasn't really scared of being with Mario anymore, he had understood that Mario didn't mind having him around. It was difficult for Marco to try to understand that Mario didn't mind spending time with him. 

Mario hadn't even seemed to mind sleeping next to Marco, or more like under Marco. Marco was deeply embarrassed about how he had in his sleep accidentally moved so that he had been lying almost on top of Mario. He hadn't meant to do it, but he knew that it was his unconscious mind trying to search for comfort. 

Marco had never slept so peacefully in his life. He had had constant nightmares before this night, but now, when he had been sleeping next to Mario, it had been so much better. He hadn't seen any dreams, and the warmth Mario had radiated had felt so wonderful.

Marco couldn't sleep like that in the future though. Mario must not want it, and after all they hadn't known for that long, it would be inappropriate. When Mario had woken Marco up Marco had sprung up instantly, wanting to make up for his behavior. Mario hadn't let him far though, and he had even hugged him. Marco would've lied if he had said that this morning hadn't been the best morning in his life. 

Right now though, Marco was afraid that his day would get a lot worse. He was scared as hell about going outside. It wouldn't be bad for a normal person, but for Marco it had become a thing that he had started to avoid doing. 

Marco just couldn't handle all the cutting glances some of the stranger could throw at him, or the horrible feeling of feeling embarrassed. Marco was sure that somebody would give him a mean look, or be annoyed by his presence. It wouldn't be the first time it would happen. Marco somehow knew how to handle it, but it wouldn't stop him from feeling bad about it though. The day had been relatively good for him so far, and he was simply afraid that it would get worse with all the bad coming back at him. Not that he was expecting them to stop coming, anyway. 

"Shall we get going?" Mario asked, smiling encouragingly.

"Sure," Marco just said and tried to give Mario a quick smile. They then got out of the building, and Marco took his first scared steps outside. 

Marco filled his lungs with the cold and fresh air. He looked around and saw a few pedestrians walking by, far away from them. It was only 10am, and most of the people were at work, Marco was grateful for that. He wouldn't want to be around too many people, at least not right away. Marco was aware of Mario's curious eyes on him, but he understood why, after all it was his first time outside after he had tried to kill himself. 

They started walking and it was going rather well in Marco's opinion. Not many people walked against or next to them. Marco did try to stay in the side as much as he could, and watched every single step he took as he chatted with Mario, he wouldn't have wanted to take the risk of falling down. Marco managed to get past the few people who walked by them easily and without too much trouble. 

They were downtown pretty soon, and Marco was staring to get a little more anxious. There were more people around, and he noticed that he had unconsciously cast down his eyes in order to avoid the mean looks people might give him. This was the way Marco had gotten used to walking, and he noticed the sad smile Mario gave him. He must have at least party understood that Marco was scared. 

"We don't have to go, you know. We can go back to my place and then I'll go alone," Mario said, a bit sadly.

"We don't have to do that. I'll come with you," Marco said, gathering all his courage to speak the words out loud. Truth to be told, Marco was really scared about going into the supermarket and being around many people, but he'd do it for Mario. His situation couldn't get any worse than it had been, so Marco was up for the challenge. He knew that if it went badly it might tear him apart even more, but he couldn't bring himself to care too much. 

They walked towards the building where the supermarket was located, and Marco started to take deep breaths. He could do this, he reminded himself.  
When they entered the rather large supermarket, Mario went to get a cart for them, and Marco tried to hide his fears. A cart brought the possibility of them bumping into someone with it. Mario started to push the cart around the shop, and Marco followed right behind him, not wanting lose Mario in the shop. 

Mario loaded the cart full of food and some beverages, before he asked Marco: "Would you like to have anything. Is there something specific you'd like to have? What do you like?" 

"There's nothing, really. Everything you cook is delicious and it's no like I eat much, anyway," Marco admitted. He still had problems with eating together with Mario. He had his habits, one of them being not eating much. He just didn't seem the point in it, and he was afraid that his looks would get even worse. 

"If you say so. But if you sometime something comes up in your mind, ask me, and I can buy it," Mario said with a smile. Mario was probably happy about the way things had turned out to go, and to be honest, Marco was too. Nothing bad had happened, and this was a good test for him. 

"Should we get going then?" Mario asked. 

"Sure. And Mario please let me pay something. I have some money saved, I also worked as I studied at the university, and since I don't spend much, I have money saved, so please let me give something back to you," Marco pleaded. 

"If you insist. You can pay me once we get back though, don't worry about it now," Mario said and smiled. 

They walked to the cashier in silence, when it happened. Marco was walking right behind Mario, when he felt someone touch him. Some man had bumped into him, and he just looked at Marco badly, sighed, and shook his head as he walked past them. 

Marco's heart sank. He felt awful, again. 

He knew that technically the collision hadn't been his fault, but he couldn't help the ugly what-if-feelings he got. What if it had been his fault? He had been standing there, he shouldn't have. He had caused trouble again.

Mario had noticed, because he just gave Marco an apologetic smile, and murmured something like "what a jerk, why are people so rude these days." Mario then started to put the groceries on the line, and and Marco decided to focus on it. He couldn't fall apart now. 

The line in front of them got shorter and shorter and it was about the time for Marco and Mario to pay. The young lay working at the cash had greeted every one in the line in front of them them, and Marco was already dreading the moment when it would be his and Mario's turn to pay. Mario headed to the cashier first, and said "hi" to the young woman, who said hi back to him. 

The young woman around her twenties then just glanced at Marco, but didn't say a thing, instead, she just focused on getting the prices listed. 

Marco's heart felt heavier every moment. Of course he wasn't worthy of a single hello. Marco blinked his eyelashes several times, quickly, to avoid letting the tears fall down.

Mario gazed at Marco again, and Marco could read easily the I'm-so-sorry-look on Mario's face. 

Marco just put on his fake smile. It wasn't anything unusual for him to be treated like this, after all.


	15. Tears and smiles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't thank you enough for all the feedback I have gotten for this story, it is extremely important and makes me motivated to continue writing.   
> I hope that this story is still interesting and that you'll like this chapter as well, I'd love to hear what you think about it :-)   
> All the mistakes are mine, sorry about them.

Mario walked on the street, right next to Marco, who was awfully quiet.

Mario could see how Marco was clearly again broken inside, just when Mario had thought that it had been a little better for Marco, which it might have partly been. Marco had been better in the morning, if only slightly so and it was a step forward. That was before all the idiots in the supermarket had come along and now Mario felt bad about ever taking Marco there. 

The people who had come on their way had simply been rude, in a completely unnecessary way and it made Mario furious. Nobody should be that rude to a person they didn't even know, like the man who had bumped into Marco and then hadn't even apologized afterwards. Now Marco might of course take it so that it was his blame and that there was something in him that made that stupid man make all those unnecessary and rude gestures to Marco. 

"It wasn't your fault you know," Mario said, hoping that Marco would listen to him. Marco however seemed to be in some sort of a trance, as if he was blocking everything out. It had started when they had exited the supermarket and had gone on all the way when they had been walking and Mario had been trying to find the correct words to console Marco. 

"Yeah," Marco just stated quietly and kept carrying one of the bags full of groceries. He was just focusing on the pavement in front of him. 

"That man was an idiot and the cashier awfully rude. They shouldn't have treated you like that, you did nothing to deserve that." 

"Probably true," Marco said, obviously not buying Mario's words. Mario wanted to kick something, he just couldn't find the right words to help Marco.

They kept walking mostly in silence, because Mario was trying to figure out something rational to say, but somehow, he knew that Marco wouldn't believe anything he'd try to tell him. Mario also tried to make mindless conversation about stupid things, but Marco wasn't really talkative. They got to Mario's door soon, and as soon as they had carried the food to the kitchen, Marco excused himself. 

"I'm sorry, just a moment," he said, with his voice breaking. Mario didn't even have time to react before Marco had disappeared to his own room and closed the door behind him. Mario heard Marco collapse behind the door and he immediately ran there. 

Mario reached the door and started to hear some quite heavy sobbing right away. Mario's heart ached, he wished that he would be able to do something. "Marco..." He slowly drawled as he lowered to a sitting position on the floor against the door. 

"I- I'm sorry. I was just so nervous about that okay? It is a- a lot of tension coming apart right now... It wasn't too bad, I mean, I was expecting something to go wrong and well it did and I should be alright with it but it just... It freaking hurts!" Marco said from behind the door and Mario was speechless. He hadn't expected Marco to say anything and he was thrilled in a weird way, Marco was actually speaking to him about his problems and it was good, really good. 

"Don't be sorry Marco, it's okay to feel bad, but you definitely shouldn't be used to it. Those idiots aren't worth it. They know nothing about you and you weren't the one to blame in those situations!" Mario tried to say, even though it probably didn't help because behind the door Marco was still staying silent. "Marco, please don't think that it was because of you or that it was your fault, because it wasn't." 

Marco's hiccups and sobs stopped after a while and Mario pressed his ear against the door in order to hear something. Mario heard Marco moving a little bit and was about to say something before he heard Marco coughing and clearing his throat.

"Thank you, Mario. Thanks for trying to help, and succeeding. I don't know what I have done to deserve you, sorry that I'm being such a mess, you don't have to stay there anymore, I'll manage." 

"No Marco, you don't have to 'just manage' and I'll be here, just let me help me you feel better, please. Let me inside," Mario pleaded, still behind the door. All he wanted to do right now was to hug Marco and show him that people liked him. 

Mario was starting to get a little sad, because nothing was happening. Marco wasn't opening the door, he wasn't saying anything and neither of them were moving. Marco sniffed quietly one more time and Mario was about to ask again, before finally, Marco moved and opened the door and let Mario hold him close. 

 

\---

 

After the incident in the morning, the rest of the day had gone well for Marco and Mario. Mario had managed to console Marco and convince him not to hurt himself and just let Mario hold him there and mumble soothing nonsense in his ears. Marco had calmed down and thanked Mario again, but Mario had just shushed him, he'd be more than glad to be there for Marco. 

In Mario's part, something was happening, too. He was enjoying Marco's company more and more, he couldn't understand how had people rejected Marco like that. Sometimes, when they cooked together, Marco actually found the courage to joke, laugh, and smile. Marco was really funny to be around. 

Every time Marco smiled, a warm feeling spread through Mario's body, and butterflies started to fly in his stomach. He was always searching for Marco's company and looking forward to times when he could talk to him. Mario often caught himself blushing at some nice things Marco said about him, or just the most gentle touches he tried to give Marco time to time. 

Also, every time Marco went to the shower, Mario caught himself thinking about what Marco would look like in there, and it didn't leave his body unimpressed. 

All these together, brought Mario to the conclusion that he was falling in love with Marco. 

Mario was alright with it, it just made things a little more complicated for him. He was always trying to think of a way to approach Marco without looking too suspicious, he didn't want it to look like he wanted to use Marco, because that definitely wasn't the case. Mario wanted Marco to fall in love with him too and he wanted Marco to understand that he was falling in love with him for real. 

It would have to wait a bit more, Mario knew it, but the time would come, once Marco started getting better. Which was happening all the time, little by little, but still. 

 

\---

 

In the evening, when they had been going to bed again, Marco had been a little hesitant, since had still been embarrassed about what had happened in the night before. Marco had moved to the other side of the bed, so that he had been hanging on the side so close to the edge that he nearly fell. 

"Marco, you really don't have to do that, I meant it when I said that I don't mind if you come closer," Mario had told Marco. Marco had looked at him and made an insecure smile, but had moved closer to him, to the center of the bed. 

"I'm sorry anyway," Marco had said, but Mario had just smiled at him before turning the lights off. 

"Would you mind if I 'accidentally' came closer to you?" Mario had asked in the darkness. 

"Of course not, it was lovely to sleep next to you," Marco had told and made Mario smile. Mario had smiled to himself and moved an inch closer to Marco, but not yet touching him. They could get closer, as time passed by and Mario felt a current of excitement going through his body. 

In the morning, Mario had again felt Marco's arms around his body, and he couldn't have been happier.

 

\---

 

It was a few days after that when Mario got a call from his work. His vacation was about to end and he was expected to go back to work tomorrow. Mario knew that Marco had taken time off from his studies for a while and that now once Mario would have to leave for work, Marco would be alone during the days.

Marco wouldn't be completely alone, he had texted with his parents and Marcel from time to time, but hadn't yet met them. He had seemed to be alright with it and Mario had seen the happy smile growing on his face when he had seen Robin, his other friend, texting him out of his own will. 

Mario had told Marco the news about him having to go to work, earlier in the day and Marco had took them well. He had assured Mario that he would be fine and had even said that he could go to his own apartment if Mario wouldn't want Marco to stay at his apartment without him being there. Mario had of course said that Marco could stay there, he didn't want Marco to go anywhere unless Marco would ask for going himself. 

Mario left to work that day and left a smiling Marco being him. As soon as Mario had closed the door behind him, he was nervous and was already counting the hours when he would meet Marco again.


	16. Alone and together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry that this chapter took this long, but now I finally had the time to write it. It's more or less a filler, but I hope that you'll like it nevertheless.   
> Thank you a thousand times for all the feedback you've given me, it means a lot!  
> As I said I hope that you'll like this and I'd love to hear your thoughts again, :-)  
> Sorry for the mistakes, English is a hard language.

Marco sighed deeply as he sat down on the couch, alone. Finally. 

Not finally in a bad way, Marco had just known that this time would come. The time when Mario would go to work and he'd have to be alone. He knew that he really hadn't had to be alone, but he had wanted to. He could have asked Marcel to spend time with him, or go visit his parents, but he kind of missed being alone and this was his chance. 

He had always spent a lot of time by himself. The last few months before Mario and he had met, had been especially bad and he had spend all the days in his apartment, just staring at the emptiness. He had been too afraid to go out, he had been too afraid to contact someone himself and nobody had contacted him, either. 

He looked around and sighed deeply. It wasn't his own apartment, but it brought back some memories from months back. The silence ringing in his ears. The only sound was the clock ticking on the wall. His sole breath was calm and he closed his eyes. 

His mind flash backed to the moment when he had been on the bridge, staring down, before he had seen Mario. He thought about everything that had happened after that, how he had slowly learned to spend time with Mario, how Mario had taken care of him, how Mario had helped him to get more comfortable with himself. The really spectacular thing however was, that Mario hadn't yet shown any signs of discomfort or annoyance around Marco, and for Marco, that was simply invaluable.

With Mario he had been able to shake off some of his worries. With Mario he hadn't had to hide his scars. He had been able to be himself, more or less, and Mario had even seemed to enjoy his company at times. 

Marco had had good moments. It was something he wasn't used to. Usually there had always been a dark cloud lurking around behind his back, but at times when he had been with Mario, he had been able to forget the bad thoughts, even if it were just a moment. It was freeing, being able to laugh or rather smile at some TV series without the laugh or smile turning into a cry instantly after.

Marco had had his bad moments, too though. He had cut himself once more after Mario had found out about him self harming, but Marco felt like it was something he just couldn't have avoided. He had seen the small blade and he had done it, without a moment of hesitation. Relief had ran through his cells as he had seen some blood forming on the wounds. He had been back to the usual. Even though he acknowledged that cutting himself was bad, he did it. It was a habit and he missed it. It gave him comfort, somehow. 

He had told Mario that evening and Mario had been understanding. He hadn't judged Marco, he had just asked again that Marco would come to Mario when he'd have such thoughts again. Marco had said yes, even though he wasn't sure if he actually was going to say anything. He had hopes though, maybe in the future but not now. Now he was just too scared, even though Mario was giving him nothing more but signs to trust him.

Marco fell back into his thought and nearly jumped off the couch as his phone started ringing. He was kind of surprised to see that it was Marcel, he hadn't expected to hear from him through anything else than a text message. Marco held the phone in his hands for a while, he just couldn't press reply button right away, even if it was only Marcel, his friend. He was still damn nervous and his heart rate paced up. 

"Hello?" He answered. He waited impatiently as he heard Marcel's breathing on the other end of the line. "Hey! Marco, how's it going?" 

"It's doing good, I think, thanks for asking," Marco said and cleared his throat, shifting on the couch. There was a short silence and Marco was awkwardly about to say something, before Marcel spoke again. 

"Do you have time to talk now, or are you with Mario?"

"No, he went to work so I am alone for now," Marco said with a sigh. As much as he liked to be alone right now, he missed Mario, too.

"Well then it's good that I called." 

"Yeah," Marco said. "How are you?" 

"I'm good too. I'm on holiday now, so there's not much to do. Have seen Robin and a few other friends a few times, but it would be nice to spend time with you, too."

Marco felt his eyes growing big in surprisal, yes he had texted with Marcel and talked with him through iMessage, but he hadn't expected to meet him anytime soon. He had assured himself that he wouldn't ask Marcel himself anymore. He had decided to wait for him to ask him and now it had happened. It was thrilling in a way, but yet scary. He fell silent as his mind started spinning about what might happen with Marcel and he didn't even realize that he hadn't given his friend an answer yet. "'Marco?" He heard him call. 

"Uhm, yeah, sure. Of course, I'd love to," Marco said, which was true, but he was nervous at the same time. He had spent weeks with only Mario and meeting his old friend was enough to make the butterflies start flying in his stomach. 

"Great! How about tomorrow already?" 

"Eh, yes, sure," Marco stuttered again and mentally punched himself. He didn't want to sound so insecure all the time. 

"Great then, I can come there so we can go from there, to spend some time outside maybe?" Marcel asked and Marco just hummed. Marcel kept a little pause, before Marco heard him clear his throat. "Marco, are you really alright with this? I understand that before you felt like I didn't want to spend time with you, but I swear that it isn't the truth. I really want to spend time with you, remember that."

"I know Marcel, but reminding won't hurt, thank you. I'm looking forward to tomorrow," Marco said and sighed, he just needed to stay positive and tomorrow could be good. "Great!" Marcel said again and then began to talk about nearly anything and Marco felt normal again. Just for a moment. 

 

\---

 

Mario crouched to pick up the key he had dropped when he had been trying to get the door of his apartment to open as quickly as possible. He had spend nearly eight excruciating hours at work, all the time just wanting to get back to Marco. He had been nervous about how Marco was, but had tried to work efficiently at the same, which was nearly impossible. Marco had been spinning in his mind all the time. As much as Mario liked being in love, he cursed it at the same time. 

He finally managed to open the door, using a little unnecessary power and nearly crashed on the small table besides the table. He threw his keys to the bowl where he always kept them, kicked off his shoes and walked to the kitchen, where Marco wasn't. He glanced at the bedroom and Marco wasn't there either. He walked to the living room and even there he didn't see Marco. 

Mario was starting to panic. Marco hadn't left, had he? 

Mario felt his blood run cold, no no, that couldn't be true, Marco wouldn't have just left, right after Mario had left him alone. Mario was in full blown panic in a matter of seconds. He had prayed that he wouldn't find Marco broken, crying, or with a blade in his hands when he got home, but he hadn't even thought about the option of Marco leaving. 

Marco was a solid part of his life by now. He always waited to spend time with him, Marco was always around, he talked to him, ate with him, and even slept with him. He couldn't just leave, what would Mario do if he had left?

Just as Mario noticed that the TV was actually still on, he heard someone flush the toilet. He saw Marco coming out from the bathroom, still in the same appearance as he had been when Mario had left him in the morning. Mario let out a relieved puff of air and noticed that he hadn't breathed in a while. 

"Oh hi, Mario!" Marco said enthusiastically and then blushed at his own happy reaction of seeing Mario. 

"Hi Marco, how was your day?" Mario said and couldn't help his reaction as he moved to the other side of the room and hugged Marco happily. He had been so scared, for nothing, of course Marco hadn't left him. 

"My day was good, thank you. I'm happy that you came back, though. I was just watching TV, nothing much happened, except Marcel called," Marco explained and Mario was happy to see Marco finally more talkative. They had come such a long way from where they had been. 

"That's great! What about with Marcel, did it go well, what did you talk about?"

"It went well, I think. I was a little nervous at first, but then soon it felt normal. He asked if I could meet him tomorrow and I said yes. He's supposed to come pick me up from here around twelve," Marco said and smiled. 

"I'm so happy for you Marco, surely it will go well with Marcel," he said, even though he really wasn't sure would it.


	17. Not a gloomy day, after all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you sooooo much for the feedback you've given me, it means so much to me to hear what you think about my work! I can't thank you guys enough.   
> Anyway, this chapter is more about Marco and his feelings, and in the next chapter we'll get more interaction between Marco and Mario again :-)   
> Hope that you'll like it! (Sorry for the mistakes again, hope you're not too bothered by them)

Marco adjusted the sleeves of his shirt, so that they wouldn't go over his wrist but not further up, either. 

He had been nervous as hell ever since the morning. Today, he would finally meet Marcel again and spend some time with him outside of Mario's apartment, in the real world. Marco wasn't too nervous about going outside anymore, after taking the first step with Mario about a week ago, but it didn't stop him from being slightly concerned. 

He hoped that it would be kind of like before. As ironic as it might sound, he was afraid of Marcel overreacting. He had had quite a strong reaction back then when he had found out just how bad Marco's situation really was, and Marco really hoped that he wouldn't make a scene or anything. 

The fact was, that Marco knew that he was going to make it. He always did, with or without emotional damage. He had always made it. He still thought that it wouldn't get any better for him anytime soon, no matter what Mario tried to tell him, and he was just accepting his fate. People would look at him weirdly, people would be annoyed by him, but Marco guessed that that was his life. He hadn't changed, and he really doubted if he could ever change. 

Of course Mario gave him rays of hope time to time, those were what he lived for. He had gotten up in the morning, determined that he could get through this day with Marcel. He had assured himself that it would be good. He had looked at himself in the mirror and tried to smile, even though he still wasn't happy about his appearance. He wasn't ugly, he tried to assure himself. It sometimes worked for a moment, but those moments didn't last very long.

Marco sat on the couch alone, as Mario had gone to work again. It was nearly twelve, and Marcel would probably send him a message some time soon. Just as if someone had read his mind, his phone lit up with a message from Marcel. Marcel had written that he was down at the entrance of the building now, so Marco got up from the couch and put on his shoes. He glanced at himself in the mirror one more time, more or less accepting his appearance, and then left. 

His heartbeat got a little faster as soon as he stepped out of the door and saw Marcel. He was dressed in elegant ripped jeans and a white neat shirt. Marco gulped. Marcel was everything he would probably never be; he was handsome and funny, got well along with people and was confident about himself. 

Marco tried to push the unpleasant thoughts to the back of his head and stepped out of the door, to say hi to Marcel. "Hey, Marcel! 

"Hey, Marco, good to see you!" Marcel said and approached Marco with caution. Marco had been right, Marcel was a little more cautious about his every move now after he knew about Marco's current state. 

"Hi, Marcel," Marco said and hugged Marcel briefly, before he pulled back. Marco had known that this would be the script; they would say hi to each other, they would hug and then this was going to happen. Silence. Marco didn't know what to do.   
He nervously fiddled with the sleeves of his shirt and looked down on his shoes, before raising his gaze again. He looked into Marcel's eyes and what he thought he saw, was pure good will, and happiness of meeting him. How could that be possible? Marco had never seen anything like that when he had seen Marcel before. 

"So, what do you want to do today? Any propositions?" Marcel asked as he tugged Marco with him and started walking towards downtown. 

"Uh, no, nothing really. I guess I kind of thought that you would have something in mind." 

"I do. I thought about going for a walk, just you know, to catch up. We could walk downtown and then maybe get something to eat, I see that you've gotten really skinny and well it'd do you good to get something in your stomach," Marcel said and Marco flinched a little. He was terrified about the thought actually eating together with Marcel, but he nodded anyway. He didn't have much choice and he had promised himself that he would try. "Great! But, just tell me if you're uncomfortable with something and then we'll change plans, okay? Don't be afraid to tell me anything." 

"I'll tell you," Marco said. He wasn't sure if he was going to find the courage or not, but as he had promised himself that he would try. 

Marco and Marcel started walking towards downtown, close by each other. Marco didn't have a lot of chances to say anything, Marcel had probably set as his goal to speak without a stop as they walked by the river. Marco was happy though, he was glad that Marcel was filling the moments of silence with his happy chatter. Marcel talked about nearly anything and everything, the weather, his studies, his family and his interests. Marco found himself interested in the conversation and he felt carefree. He wasn't thinking about anything specific, he was just focusing on Marcel, the moment there and then. 

It's was good. Really good. He forgot about his worries, his thoughts, his body, his scars, his fears, his everything. Marcel made him feel as if he was just someone, anyone with a normal life. They walked for a time that seemed too quick, because when it ended, Marco was actually upset, because he had wanted Marcel to go on for a little longer. 

Marcel had suggested that maybe they should go to his apartment after all, since it looked like it was about to rain. Marco had accepted the invitation, a little hesitantly, but the good feelings he had had, had given him courage. 

They walked to Marcel's apartment in comfortable silence, and before Marco knew it, he was sitting in Marcel's living room. He noticed happily that he was still alright. He had gotten through this day, so far.

"So, do you want to get something to eat now?" Marcel asked and that's when Marco came to his senses again. Marco didn't really want to eat anything, Mario had again prepared a good breakfast with a lot to eat. He had even attached a post-it on it with the text 'Eat it, you'll need energy today, have a good day!'. Marco had smiled and eaten, thinking about the following day and he had surprised himself when he had eaten nearly anything of the sandwiches and eggs Mario had made.

"No, not really. Do you want to eat though, are you hungry?" 

"No, I'll eat when later then. Want coffee or something though?" Marcel asked and pointed at his kitchen.

"Sure, why not," Marco said.

"Do you want espresso, latte, or just a black one?" 

"Latte."

"Alright, hold on I'll go make them," Marcel said, went to his kitchen and soon came back with two mugs of coffee in his hands. 

"Here you go," Marcel said and handed Marco the coffee. Marco started drinking without really talking much and now since Marcel was quiet too, he knew that something was up. 

"So, how's it going?" Marcel asked. Marco had kind of known that this conversation would come sooner or later. 

"It's alright." 

"Any better?"

"Sure. I mean, it has gotten a lot better with Mario and his help," Marco said and glanced at Marcel who looked back at him with a curious expression on his face. 

"Really?" 

"Yeah. I mean, I couldn't have imagined spending this moment with you before him, so I guess that it's quite a success, already. I've been able to accept everything more now when Mario is in the picture, and with him, I can be who I am and tell him my worries. He's really helping me a lot, I don't know where I would be without him," Marco said, in all honesty. 

"That's great! I'm so happy that it's gotten at least a little better, you deserve it." 

"Thank you." 

"How is Mario, by the way? I haven't really had the chance to properly get to know him yet, it would be nice to spend time together with him in the future, though."

"Mario is great. He's amazing, really. He is so nice to me, so kind and gentle, I don't know what I have done to deserve him. Just imagine, he saw me, a total stranger and helped me. Even though he didn't even know me, he took me to stay with him, to live with him," Marco said, surprising himself as a warm feeling spread in his chest not because of the coffee, but his emotions. 

"He really sounds great. Speaking of which, what are your plans, if I may ask? I mean, you're still living with him..." Marcel let his words hang in the air and Marco gulped. Their arraignment was really a little special, and Marco could only guess what would Marcel's reaction be like if he knew that they slept in the same bed. 

"Yeah, about that. I don't know, really. I like spending time with Mario and he has assured me that he doesn't mind having me around, and that he was actually looking for a roommate before me." 

"Do you think that you'd get some stuff from your apartment then?" 

"Probably, at least some clothes. I still have money spared so I can pay him rent, if he wants that one day. But for now I think that this is the right arrangement, as long as he doesn't get fed up with me, then I'd leave, of course," Marco said. 

"I don't think he will." 

"I hope so. Anyway, I guess this is going to be have to be it until I get my shit together and start to get a little better, even though I sometimes doubt if I will ever get better."

"You will Marco. Have you considered like professional help or something?" Marcel asked and Marco flinched again. 

"Yeah, I heard Mario mention about it. I should probably talk about it with him," Marco said with a heavier heart. It was a discussion he wasn't looking forward to having, but knew that he needed to have. He knew that without professional help, as much as Mario was helping him, his road to getting better would be a really rocky one.

"It would be great if you did that, Marco. I'll be here for you, in any case," Marcel said and then half hugged Marco, making Marco smile. It hadn't been a gloomy day, after all.


	18. Important decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is more or less a filler, before something more will happen in the next chapters if my plans work out.   
> Thank you so much for still sticking up with this story and giving me feedback, it makes me so much more motivated to continue, and happy! I hope that you'll keep it up :-)  
> I hope that you'll like this chapter!

Mario threw his keys to the small bowl on a stand near the mirror of the hall, and quickly stepped out of his shoes, wanting to head to the living room as soon as possible. Marco would hopefully be there, waiting for him, after having spent the day with Marcel. 

Mario had texted Marco earlier in the day, asking how it had gone with Marcel. Marco had replied that it had all gone well, and that he was home already. After that, Mario's day had gone by quickly, the news of Marco being home waiting for him, had made his day. He had counted the minutes until he had been able to go home again. 

His friends at work had also noticed his cheerful mood, and had made awful jokes about Mario having gotten laid. Mario had just blushed and only denied it, but he knew that in theory none of his friends had actually believed him. He hoped that he wouldn't be too obvious, yes he was in love but he didn't know what would happen if his friend would keep asking him about his love life. Mario didn't yet know what was happening, so he didn't have answers for them, either. 

Mario turned around the corner and immediately saw Marco, who was watching some cooking show with a gentle smile on his face. Mario sighed relieved, he remembered the times he couldn't see the tiniest smile on Marco's beautiful face. "Hi, Mario," Marco said a little less excitedly than what his face gave out, and Mario immediately sensed that he wanted to talk about something with him. Mario prayed that he hadn't been cutting again. 

"Hey Marco, how was your day?" 

"It was good. The time with Marcel was alright, I had a nice chat with him. We went for a walk in the park and then later we had coffee at his apartment, and then I came back here," Marco explained briefly and Mario nodded. 

"Did you walk here by yourself?" 

"Yeah, it isn't that bad anymore. I've learned how to cope with it, and after taking the walk with you, after you know... The night I tried to... Anyway, it's not bad anymore," Marco said and put a smile on his face. Marco looked like he didn't want to talk more about it, so Mario decided to let the topic rest, even though he was positively surprised that Marco had been able to walk all the way from Marcel's apartment to their home all by himself. "How was your day?" Marco asked. 

"It was nice, work was boring as usual but my friends there made it a little funnier," Mario said, smiling. "Other than that it was just like usual," Mario added, just before his stomach grumbled. Marco chuckled next to him, and Mario laughed too. "I am pretty hungry though, we should make dinner," Mario added and was about to get off the couch. 

"Actually, lasagna is already in the over, I hope you don't mind me making dinner. I thought that since you already mad breakfast, and had quite a long day, it would be fair and nice if I cooked," Marco said, with a slightly insecure smile on his face. 

"No, of course I don't mind, it's great Marco! Can't thank you enough," Mario said and now got off the couch together with Marco. 

"I'm sorry if it's bad though, it's been a while since I've cooked," Marco said.

"I'm sure it won't be, it'll be delicious," Mario said as he took two plates and two sets of forks and knives, setting them on the table. He sat on one of the chairs, watching Marco take the lasagna out of the oven.

Marco placed the steaming pot of food in the middle of the table, and held the spoon out for Mario. Mario took a large portion of the food, it smelled delicious and as soon as Mario tasted it, he groaned in delight. "God, this is so good, Marco! You should definitely cook more often," he said. 

"Thank you, I'm glad you like it and I'd be happy to cook more," Marco said, now with a genuine smile on his face before his face turned serious again. "Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something, during this dinner," Marco said, after having taken a few bites from his one plate.

"What is it?" 

"Well, you know after you mentioned the therapy, I've been thinking about it, and after talking about it with Marcel, too, I think I should probably go," Marco said with a shaking voice.

Mario nearly dropped his fork. This was such a huge step for Marco, and he hadn't expected Marco to realize it himself so quickly, that professional help would really do him good.

"Marco, you're right, and I'm very happy that you've decided to give it a try," Mario said. 

"So you could give a call to that psychiatrist you talked about ?" Marco asked, looking up again with slightly less concerned eyes.

Mario sighed in relieved. A few days after he had told Marco about his mother having been depressed, Marco had asked him more about the therapy she had gone to, and Mario had answered him as we as he had been able to. Mario had seen his mother's psychiatrist a couple of times and he knew that Mr. Leitner was a great guy.

"Yes, of course. I'm really proud of you for making this decision," Mario said, and started to eat again. He was relieved, really really relieved.

"I think that it's the only right thing to do. Even before I met you I had made research on this matter and I just lacked the courage to get help. Now with you, I can actually get it and I really should do it," Marco said with determination that Mario had never seen from him before. 

"Still, it's a big step to the right direction. I can call there as soon as we finish dinner, if you want to," Mario said. 

"That would be nice," Marco said before a silence fell between them again. The silence wasn't uncomfortable this time, it was more anticipating than awkward. Mario felt like his heart was a lot lighter. He could only hope that the therapy would really help Marco. 

"Since I won't have much to do for now, as I'm kind of having a studying break before I'm gonna take some final tests on sporting and body well being, later in the spring, I thought I could do some chores here. I'd have a lot of time so I could cook during the days, besides going to therapy. If the first visit goes well, that is," Marco said. 

"If you want to, that'd be lovely for sure, but don't feel like you need to do anything," Mario said, not sure how he could not jump out of happiness. Marco had made so much progress, he was emotionally a lot more stable, even if his insecurity broke through his appearance time to time. 

"I won't, but it's nice to feel useful, you know. I've felt better lately and the walk and talk I had with Marcel really opened my eyes. I had such a normal day again, it felt so good to be able to shake off my worries for a while. The same thing happens of course something when I'm talking with you," Marco said. 

"You have no idea what a relief it is to here that," Mario said openly.

"But then, yet again, the sadness can be there in a split second. I want these happy times to last more, and that's where the therapy could help me, right? I'm nervous about going there, but I trust you when you tell me that the psychiatrist knows what he's doing, and that it would be good for me," Marco said.

"You're right Marco, the therapy could help you with that. And we'll just see how the first visit goes, if you find it uncomfortable, maybe we can find another solution then. Don't worry about it, yet," Mario said, and Marco nodded, calming down after having lift the huge rock off his shoulders.

 

\---

 

Marco stared at the ceiling in the bed, next to the sleeping Mario. 

Tomorrow, he would go to therapy for the first time. Mario had been able to get a time for him already for the following day, which had been good. Marco would surely go there, he wouldn't chicken out.

He had had a better time, but at some moments, his sadness hit him with full force, and it was still a dominating part of his life. He wanted to get rid of, and hopefully, the therapy could help him.

Marco knew that he needed this. He needed his attitude to change, and party it was changing. He needed to understand and believe that he could get better. He needed to start to try to believe that there would be a better life there, waiting for him. 

He hadn't believed to it before he had met Mario, but now he could believe in it. His life had changed totally, and maybe that gave him the courage to believe that his life could still change. It could be better.

Marco knew that he'd have to work for it himself, too, but he was willing to give it a shot.


	19. Mixed feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, here's another chapter, I hope that you'll like it :-)   
> Thank you for still reading this story and giving feedback, every comment and kudo means a lot!   
> Sorry for the mistakes, English isn't my first language.

Mario was standing next to Marco in front a high office building near downtown. 

Marco didn't appear very nervous outside, but Mario was quite sure that his mind was turmoiling. Marco had barely been able to eat in the morning, and he had slept very relentlessly during the night, if he had even caught some sleep at all. 

Mario had done his best to make Marco less nervous, but he knew that nothing had probably worked. Marco was already nervous about meeting new people and the therapy would be a completely new situation, new people and a new surrounding. Not to mention that Marco would have to talk about his feelings, as well, which wasn't a thought that calmed Marco down at all.

Marco gazed at the door of the building in front of him, trying to find out on which floor he would meet Dr. Leitner. 

"He's on the fifth floor, as far as I remember," Mario said, trying to help Marco. 

"Oh, yeah, that's right, there it is," Marco said, pointing at the name badges on the buzzer. 

"Look, Marco, I know that you're nervous, but try to have an open mind. Dr. Leitner is great at what he does and he only has good intentions. He wants the best for you," Mario reminded Marco and rubbed his arm.

"I know that. Should go well, at least," Marco said and sighed. "I should go there now, shouldn't I?" 

"You don't have to do anything, but yes, you should. It could help you a lot," Mario said, hoping to encourage Marco a little more. 

"You're right. Thank you, Mario," Marco said as he took one shaky step towards the building. 

"No need to thank me. Just be yourself and try not to worry too much, and I'm sure it'll go well," Mario said and Marco only gave him one weak smile before he waved Mario good bye. 

 

\---

 

One and a half hours later, Marco stood in front of the same door where he had been standing with Mario, but now, by himself. 

He took deep breaths to keep himself together. The last two hours had probably been the most painful, relieving and weird in his entire life.

After filling in all the necessary forms and given all the information about himself, Dr. Leitner had asked him to come to his room, to talk. 

Simply to talk. They had started off by just talking casually, before Dr. Leitner had asked Marco why he was there. He had asked Marco to talk about himself, just openly whatever came in his mind. 

Marco had been nervous as hell about actually going into the room, shaking Dr. Leitner hand and introducing himself, not to even mention actually talking to him. The first discussion had gone well though, and Dr. Leitner had been keeping the conversation up, understanding how hard it was for Marco to speak or keep the discussion going. 

Marco had mostly just told Dr. Leitner the same story he had told to Mario back then, only going a little deeper to how badly he actually had felt and how badly he had treated himself. He knew that it would be better to just spill it all out, to be open with Doctor Leitner from the very beginning. 

Marco was glad that he had done it, even though it had been emotionally very straining. Dr. Leitner had taken notes and asked a few questions in between, but mostly Marco had been able to talk in peace. 

Now that Marco was out, he felt like he could breathe again. He had taken the first and probably hardest step to the right direction, but yet, it didn't feel like it. Marco knew that it was unreasonable to think that just after one and a half hours of therapy he would feel better, but he couldn't help but think that maybe the therapy wasn't going to help after all. 

Marco sighed one more time before he started to walk, his heart feeling a little heavy. 

He wanted to feel better for the sake of himself, for the sake of Mario, for the sake of all the people whom he knew and seemed to care about him after all. He needed to get better, he didn't want to fail Mario by falling back to the same misery he had been in before he had gone to the therapy. 

Because Mario really seemed to care. He really did care, which was surprising for Marco, and still hard to understand. He tried to understand it more everyday, and for now, Mario together with Marcel and some other people, were his lifeline. Marco lived for Mario now, he lived for the acknowledgment that somebody cared about him. 

Because Marco still wasn't really comfortable with himself. He didn't like himself, he hated himself for what he had done, he hated himself for being who he was. Even if he had the moments when he liked something what he had done, he still felt like being himself was wrong, and that it wouldn't really matter whether he was somewhere or not. He wished that he could change, he wished that something could change his way of thinking. 

Maybe the therapy would, and maybe the hugs Mario gave him would start feeling even better as time passed by.

 

\---

 

Mario looked at Marco's curiously as he dropped down on the mattress, slipping under the covers next to Marco. 

Marco had been awfully quiet when he had come out of the therapy, and even during the dinner. Marco had told him what had happened, though, quite specifically, actually, but still something had been off with him. Mario was wondering if he should ask Marco about it, or should he just let him be. There had been a lot of new things and probably scary things as well happening today. 

"Marco, you seem a little off, do you maybe want to talk about it?" Mario asked as he decided on going with his first option. 

Marco looked back at him with an expression that gave nothing away. "I'm alright. I was just really nervous about what happened today and I'm still kind of taking it all in." 

"You know that you can tell me anything, right?" Mario asked though as he felt like something was really bothering Marco, he didn't want Marco to deal with his problems all by himself. 

Marco put his phone on the table next to the bed and looked at Mario with a thoughtful and slightly painful expression. "I'm just a little sad." 

"Why?" 

"I don't know. It's just the usual memories spinning in my mind, forcing me to think in a way that isn't good. They just make me think, they make me think that I'm so hopeless. The therapy won't most likely help, and it's almost as if my mind doesn't let me believe that I could be okay. I was fine for a while, but now the thoughts are back and I don't know how to get rid of them. I'm just hopeless, this is what I meant that the therapy won't help. I won't get rid of the memories, I won't be able to stop thinking like this, and the worst thing is, that I feel like I deserve to think this way," Marco explained and Mario gulped. 

Mario was glad that Marco was talking to him, and that he was willing to try to explain. It hurt Mario to hear that Marco was still really feeling that bad, and that he was thinking in a way that he shouldn't. Marco didn't yet seem to understand that he was precious and that he shouldn't feel the way he did. He definitely didn't deserve it. 

"You don't deserve it." 

"In theory, I know, but yet, I can't stop thinking about it." 

"I hope that one day you'll be able to think otherwise, Marco. I hope that you can understand how beautiful and precious you are." 

"Me too." 

"Thank you for telling me, though, I appreciate it. Is there something I could do to make you feel better?"

"No, thank you, Mario. It feels better after telling someone. And there isn't anything more you could do, you've been wonderful, and I can't thank you enough," Marco said and smiled before looking insecurely at Mario. 

Mario looked Marco back in the eyes and watched curiously how Marco took a deep breath and moved a little closer to him. Mario watched Marco's moves as he carefully moved himself even closer and stretched his arms forward, taking one more look of Mario, before he put his arms around him. 

Mario hugged Marco back and could hardly suppress the sigh of happiness threatening to escape his lips.

Marco had hugged him, for the first time, himself.

Marco withdrew himself quickly, but his eyes were surer and more lively now, even though he was still sad. Mario smiled back at him, trying to wordlessly tell him how ridiculously happy he had made him as he had hugged him. 

Mario closed the lights and Marco luckily seemed to fall asleep quite quickly, as Mario found himself thinking about tomorrow. He hoped that doing something nice tomorrow would bring Marco's mood up a bit.


	20. So deep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another chapter for you guys and as you might have noticed, the rating has gone up... ;)   
> Thank you so much for still giving me feedback, every comment and kudo means a lot and makes me for motivated to continue!   
> I hope that you'll like this chapter, as well, and sorry for the mistakes again, English isn't my first language.

Mario woke up to the now familiar feeling of Marco's hand on his chest and he smiled. He opened his eyes slowly and yawned, turning towards Marco.

To say that Mario was shocked when he saw that Marco's eyes were open, too, was slightly expressed. 

Marco was looking into his eyes without moving, but breathing steadily. This had never happened before, Marco had always been so scared of having his arm around him when he slept, but now he didn't seem to be ashamed of it. 

"Do you want me to take my arm away?" Marco asked, looking down at his chest. His hand twitched on Mario's chest, just waiting for the call. 

"No, of course not, it's fine right here," Mario said, emphasizing his words by putting his hand on Marco's, not wanting Marco to take it away. 

"Alright. I'm sorry, I just didn't want to wake you up, you looked so peaceful, and I feared that if I moved my arm I might have waken you up. I'm sorry that I can't stop doing this, I don't invade your personal space on purpose," Marco said, sounding truly regretfully about still moving his arm on Mario's body during the night.

"Don't worry about it, Marco, please. I told you that I don't mind, really. I don't mind another person's warmth next to me," Mario said, making Marco blush. 

"Alright, then. Thank you. I have to admit that this feels rather nice," Marco said, brushing his fingers over Mario's chest, not knowing how strongly he was affecting Mario with the moves of his fingers, making shivers run down Mario's spine. 

"Then you can continue with it," Mario said and smiled happily. He was glad that Marco seemed to feel better than how he had felt last night. At least, he didn't let his misery show. 

"Are you feeling better than last night?" Mario asked, just to be sure. 

"Yeah, I am. Last night was just a bad night, but it's a lot better now," Marco said, smiling. 

"That's great. Do you have anything in mind, what would you like to do today? I have a day off, we could do something together," Mario said, silently hoping that Marco would like to spend the day with him. 

"Actually, yeah, kind of. I was thinking about visiting my parents. I haven't seen them after the... accident, and well, I thought that it would be about time to see them again, whether I like it or not. You should rest today, you've worked hard all week, and maybe it would be good for you to have some time on your own. You've been either at work or with me all the time, I'm sure that you need some personal time, too," Marco said and Mario was surprised by his thoughtfulness. 

"If you want to visit your parents, you should go, but don't feel like you have to. You can wait until you feel better about it," Mario said, silently still hoping that Marco would stay. Of course he would be happy if Marco really saw his parents and that it would go well, though. 

"I don't feel pressured to do it, don't worry, and I don't think that I'm getting any better soon, so I might as well go see them today. I already texted with my mother, my sister might be there too, so she'll make the visit easier," Marco explained and Mario nodded. 

"You'll have dinner with them, right?"

"Yeah, that's the plan," Marco said. 

"Do you want me to give you a ride then?" 

"Sure, if you don't mind," Marco said. "I can walk, too."

"No, I don't mind. I'd be glad to take you, I might as well visit a friend of mine while you're with your parents. Then I could pick you up and maybe, if it isn't too late, we can still do something together," Mario said. 

"That's a plan." 

 

\---

 

Mario waved at Marco who closed the car door in front of Marco's parents house. 

He watched Marco getting into the small detached house, before he started his engine and drove away, not wanting to face Marco's parents by accident. 

He sighed as he drove, humming to the tune of the song playing on the radio. He wasn't really looking forward to getting back home, so he took a little longer route, driving a little further out of the city. 

He didn't yet know what he should do tonight. Marco had told him that if he wanted to, he could come to pick him up around ten o'clock, and Mario had of course told him that he would be there, but before that, Mario didn't have any plans.

To this day for a few weeks already, he had spend every evening with Marco, more or less spending all of his free time with him. Sometimes he had had to go to bed because of his tiredness and Marco had stayed up for a while longer, but most of the time they had spend every evening together, watching TV, cooking, or just enjoying each other's company. They had talked and played games, slowly getting to know each other better and better.

Mario had noticed already early on that Marco was very good company, as soon as he had gotten to know him. In the beginning, Marco had been very quiet and hard to talk to, but that had only been before he had started to feel more comfortable around Mario. Now he often talked and smiled, even joked sometimes, feeling more comfortable around Mario, and Mario couldn't be happier about that. 

Mario was so glad that Marco felt more comfortable these days and that he had gotten to know more about Marco. Marco was really kind and fun to be around, he was gentle and thoughtful, even though he didn't seem to realize it himself. If it were up to Mario, Mario would try to show it to him, one day.

Hopefully the therapy would help and make Marco feel better, soon, because no one deserve to feel the self-hatred Marco felt for himself. Mario prayed that Marco would one day start to see the beautiful person inside of him. And outside of him, Mario added in his mind. Marco was by far the most handsome man he had ever seen. The scars he had didn't change that: they only showed that Marco had gotten through something really hard, and had had a hard time getting through it. 

Mario was lost in his thoughts for the rest of the way home, and still couldn't stop thinking about Marco as he parked his car and climbed up the stairs to his apartment. He hastily threw his keys away and made his way to the living room, glancing at the clock. It was only six o'clock, he'd have plenty of time before Marco would even send him a message, if things went according to plan. 

Mario threw himself on the couch, not bothering to turn on the TV, thinking that he could call his parents or something. He had asked André if he might want to hang out with him, but he had had to decline, apparently because he had a date. Mario hadn't minded, and thought that he might as well spend the evening by himself. 

He tried to get more comfortable on the couch so he laid down on his back, sighing as he felt his shoulders relaxing. He moved the pillow for it to support his neck, when he inhaled sharply. 

The pillow smelled exactly like Marco, so beautiful and musky. Mario took the pillow in his hands and inhaled the sweet scent again. The mental images of Marco filled his mind again, Marco on the couch with him, leaning closer to him, showing him his perfect smile. 

Marco smiling, Marco breathing against his neck in the morning, Marco coming freshly out of the shower, Marco cooking and Marco eating, Marco, Marco and Marco. 

Mario let the thoughts hit his mind like a tidal wave, each mental image of Marco more beautiful than the other. Marco was so gorgeous and soon, Mario caught his thoughts getting a little explicit. 

He remembered one moment when Marco had come out of the shower, with a towel hanging very low on his waist, showing Mario his v-line. Mario had had to glance away immediately, feeling how his body had reacted almost embarrassingly quickly. 

Now he didn't need to control his thoughts, so he let his mind run free, imagining Marco in the shower, fresh water running down his spine, lower down his body until it reached his butt and his...  
Mario felt his jeans getting very tight in a very short amount of time, and he adjusted himself through his jeans. He was hugely attracted to Marco and his manhood had obviously made a wish to get to know Marco better, as well. Mario groaned into the cushion, he was so hard, he really wanted a release.

Mario opened his jeans and slipped his hand into his boxers, feeling his incredibly hard length on his hand, starting to stroke it loosely. Mario didn't even try to suppress his moans as he stroked himself faster, thinking about a very naked Marco having some special time together with him. 

He felt his orgasm catching him embarrassingly quickly, and soon, he sighed out Marco's name into the cushion as he came hard, losing his seed in his hand. Mario panted for several minutes as he came down from his high, and realized what he had just done. 

He was so deep in love with Marco.


	21. Questions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After an emotionally very unstable day, I thought that posting this chapter would be good so here it is.   
> I thank you a thousand times for still leaving some comments and kudos, they make me really happy, so thank you to anyone who has taken the time to make me happy.  
> I hope that you'll like this chapter as well :-)

Marco knocked on the door before he would try to flee. 

He had to do this now, he knew it. He couldn't back down anymore. He would meet his parents, he would spend the evening with them and his sister, before he'd call Mario and he'd come to pick him up. If everything went well, that is. Marco didn't know what he would do if this evening ended up badly. 

Before Marco could think further, the door opened and his mother welcomed him with a warm smile. "Marco! So good to see you again!" She said, before pulling Marco in for a quick hug. 

Marco hugged his mother back quickly, feeling how he couldn't help but tense and withdraw himself quickly. Ever since he was a teenager, he had been scared of the even slightest contact, worrying that someone would see behind his disguise, or see the visible marks of his sorrow, like his scars.

"Hi, mom," Marco said as he stepped inside and shrugged off his coat before he faced his father. Marco's father looked at him strictly, looking slightly downwards because of height. Marco gulped, trying to muster his courage and stand straight. 

He had always felt like he had let his parents down, especially his father. His father had expected him to go on dates and meet nice girls, go out drinking in the weekends and enjoy his youth. Marco had never done any of that, and since he was his father's only son, he felt like a somewhat disappointment, even though his father had never straightforwardly said it. Marco knew that he could have been a better son, a child his parents could have been proud of.   
"Hey, dad," Marco said, as he hugged his father. 

"Pleased to have you home again," his father said and Marco faked a smile, he wasn't really sure if his father was actually happy about him being around. 

"Smells good. What are we having for dinner?" Marco asked, reminding himself that he needed to make some polite conversation if he wanted this evening to work out. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, he thought for a brief moment. After all, he hadn't seen his family in a while and could hardly recall the last time they had had dinner together. 

"Casserole," Marco's mother replied and Marco smiled, feeling a little more relieved. At least he wasn't going to have trouble eating, because it happened to be one of his favorite dishes. 

"Delicious," Marco said, before his father placed his hand on his bony shoulder. 

"Why don't we go to the dining room already, you look like you could use something to eat. Let's just wait for a moment until Yvonne is here and then we can eat," his father said and Marco nodded, following him to the dining room where the dining table had already been set up. 

Marco sat on one of the chairs, opposite to his sister and next to his father. Soon, he heard the front door opening and closing, before his sister, Yvonne marched in and was welcomed her parents, loudly. Marco stood up, too, on his little shaky legs. 

Marco had always had an alright relationship with his sister, but after everything had started to go wrong, Marco and his sister had grown apart. Yvonne had had better teenage years than Marco had had. Marco had often spend time with her on the evenings when she hadn't been out with her friends, and Marco liked Yvonne. She hadn't been there for Marco when Marco had needed someone but Marco couldn't blame her, since he had never asked for help. 

"Hey, bro!" She said as she gave Marco a brief hug before she sat down, and the family started to eat. 

Somehow, Marco had missed this. He had missed his family eating like this, enjoying each other's company. Not that Marco had been much to enjoy of, he had simply just sat there and eaten the little he had, without really getting into the conversation. But sometimes, these conversations his family had had, had been his savior and had brought a smile on his face when his life hadn't seemed to be anything else but dark. 

Marco ate quickly now too, just observing his family who was eagerly chatting about how they were and what had they been up to. Marco wished he had been able to say something, but nothing came out of his mouth, so he kept eating silently, before he heard the clacking of the cutleries getting more quiet. 

"So, Marco, you've been awfully quiet, haven't changed a bit, I see!" Marco's mother said and Marco just smiled at himself a little ironically. 

"Yeah, I-" Marco began to say before his mother interrupted him again. 

"But do tell us, what have you been up to? I haven't seen you in a long time and we haven't called many times, either.

-That's because I thought no one wanted to talk to me-, Marco thought before he cleared his throat, deciding to use his opportunity to speak. 

"Umm, well, nothing much," he began, hating himself for again making himself boring. "I am having a break from studying now, and I worked for this online store for a while," Marco said, telling the truth. He didn't yet know how to mention about Mario, but he figured that his parents wouldn't probably care too much nor ask any further questions.

"So nothing new, per usual?" His father asked, smiling. 

"Uhh, well I've made a new friend," Marco said, not knowing how he managed to get the words out of his mouth. 

"Really?" His mother asked, smiling like Marco's father had done just a moment ago. 

"Yeah. His name is Mario." 

"Are you close with him? It's good to hear that you've made a new friend, Marco. Frankly, we've all been a little worried about you, you were always so alone," Marco's mother continued, making Marco gulp. He really hadn't expected that his parents would care this much. 

"I actually kind of live with him, now," Marco said after a moment of hesitation, he wasn't sure if he had revealed too much to make his parents suspicious. 

"What? You live with him?" His mother gasped now and Marco cast his eyes down. Shit, of course he should have expected a reaction like this. He couldn't tell them the real story, he would have to make something up, now. 

"Yeah, we thought that living together would simply be more convenient, since he was looking for a roommate and in general living with someone is easier. Since our personalities match quite well, we have a good time together," Marco explained, not being able to eat a bite more. 

"That sounds a little strange, but of course if it makes you happy, we support it," Marco's mother said, and Marco was finally able to look back up. His mother was smiling and his father wasn't really giving away any reaction as he was still busy with his food. 

"Umm, thank you, I guess?" Marco mumbled, before he looked at his sister who looked at him with a curious look on her face. She squinted her eyes and looked at Marco in the eyes, making him confused. She then only turned around and started another conversation with their father, leaving Marco there with an open mouth and a slightly scared feeling. 

 

\---

 

Marco sat in the living room, together with his sisters as their parents were cleaning the kitchen. They had been silent for a while now, after changing a few words about their studies, but Marco could sense that something was up. His gut turned out to be right, when he saw his sister turning closer to him, looking at him tentatively. 

"So, Marco, you don't have to lie to me," she said.

"Lie about what?

About 'Mario'. He isn't your friend, is that so? If there even is a Mario, maybe you're talking about a 'Maria', or a 'Marta'. You aren't fooling me, Marco," Yvonne said and playfully punched Marco's shoulder. 

"Wh-what are you suggesting?" Marco asked. 

"That you're in love and that you're not telling me about it!" Yvonne said, smiling widely while Marco was staring at her, horrified.

He couldn't be in love with Mario, could he? 

"No, I'm not!" Marco denied it even though he was suddenly questioning himself. 

"I know that you're in love Marco. The way your eyes sparkled when you mentioned 'his' name. Of course I don't know how much you are fooling me, whether you're talking about a woman or a man, I don't know, but I know that you're in love and you shouldn't have to hide it.

"I- I'm not in love," Marco stammered. 

"Your stammering just confirms it, Marco. Don't be ashamed, it's okay really, I'd love to hear more about her or him," Yvonne said. 

"Yeah, umm, maybe, sometime," Marco's stuttered before he hastily got up. "I think I have to go now, he said and then wordlessly left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone is starting to realize his feelings, I guess... ;) if this story goes on the way I've planned, soon there'll be a new character as well :)


	22. Could he really?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so incredibly much for the feedback be gotten, all the comments and kudos, they mean the world to me!   
> I know that this story isn't half as good as some of the other stories here, and therefore reaching over 200 kudos with a story with a difficult topic is huge to me, thank you for everyone who has left a comment or a kudo!  
> I hope that you'll continue liking this story, here's another chapter where you can maybe sense that something is coming up, Marco and Mario should start getting closer... ;)   
> As always your feedback would mean a ton and make me motivated to continue! :-)

Marco couldn't be in love, could he?

He sat in Mario's car, watching silently out of the window, as Mario was driving them home. He had called Mario right after he had stormed out, walking along the street, and waited until Mario had arrived in record time. Marco had tried to figure out his thoughts, but somehow, the more he had though the more terrified he had become. 

Mario had asked him how the evening had gone, and Marco had told him everything that had happened, except for the talk with his sister. The truth was, that everything had gone well, except for the talk. Marco was more confused about his feelings than ever. 

Could his feelings towards Mario be love? Marco didn't know. He knew that he appreciated Mario for everything that he had done for him, he liked Mario for liking him and being his friend, he liked Mario's personality and surely he didn't mind the way he looked. 

Alright who was Marco kidding? He loved the way Mario looked and treated other people. He loved the person Mario was, and he loved his personality. He loved him, didn't he? Now realizing it seemed so easy, but somehow Marco had always pushed it to the back of his mind, not even wanting to think about it. 

And Marco knew the reason why. He didn't want to be heartbroken again. A part of him knew that there was not a chance that Mario could ever love him back. He couldn't be interested in him, the miserable man he was. No one could ever be interested in him. No one had ever been, and no one will ever be, that's what Marco thought. 

So by not letting himself fall in love with Mario, he could avoid causing himself pain. He wouldn't have to feel the pain in his chest when he would be rejected, and told that he couldn't be wanted. Because Mario couldn't be in love with him, he just couldn't. There would be signs or it, wouldn't there be? Mario had been awfully nice to him and spent a lot of time with him, but that must be only because he was friendly and treated everybody the way he treated Marco. 

What would the signs even be, if there were some?

Marco didn't really know. No one had ever shown interest towards him, and after a while of observing how other people fell in love and got into relationships, Marco had stopped looking in order to not cause himself further pain. Sure he had seen romantic movies and seen how people fall in love and get together, but back then he had only been focused on the misery he felt. 

"Are you sure you're alright?" Mario asked, getting Marco out of his thoughts. 

"Yes. I'm just very tired," Marco lied. He wasn't going to sleep in a while, that was for sure. His mind was spinning.

"Of course, you've had a long day. Maybe you can take a hot shower once we get home and then tomorrow is another day, right?" Mario said, putting his hand on Marco's thigh, making Marco flinch involuntarily. Mario took it the wrong way so he started to pull his hand away, but Marco took it and placed it back, not wanting Mario to take it away. 

"That sounds really nice," Marco said and smiled, as Mario's fingers caressed his thigh. Marco tried to hold back his reactions to Mario's fingers but couldn't help them. He was relieved when they finally got home, and Marco could have some own time as he stepped into the shower, letting hot water run down his skin. 

Own time maybe wasn't the right choice of words because all Marco could think of was Mario. Every time he had seen Mario without a shirt or with less clothing than usually, every time Mario had touched him, it all came back to Marco's mind. 

Marco surprisingly noticed his manhood reacting to his thoughts, for the first time in a long time. 

While he had been very depressed, he hadn't had any positive thoughts, which meant that he hadn't had sexual thoughts, either, so he hadn't relieved his needs in a rather long time. His needs and thoughts were getting control over him rapidly, so he turned on the cold water. No, he couldn't take care of his needs now, not with Mario in the room next to him and not while still being emotionally so messed up. 

Marco got out of the shower and went to the bedroom, where Mario was already waiting for him, but this time, differently. He was laying there without a shirt, only in his shorts, reading something from his tablet and for a brief moment, Marco thought about sleeping in the guest room, fearing that Marco's new choice of clothes would suddenly be too much for him.

"Good that you came, I'm tired, too," Mario said and Marco couldn't say anything, instead, he just got on the bed and slipped under the covers, as Mario switched off the lights. 

"Good night, Mario," Marco managed to say, after a while.

"Good night, Marco," Mario said and then turned on his side, starting to sleep. 

Marco was nowhere near catching sleep anytime soon, so he just lay there, thinking about his feelings and what had happened. He couldn't come over the fact that he was in love, seriously in love for the first time in his life. Sure, he had had crushes but they hadn't been this serious. 

And he had done exactly what he had been scared of. Fallen in love with a man who wouldn't most likely love him back. 

Marco squeezed his eyes shut and tried to think about something else, before he flinched another time. 

Mario's hand was on his chest, and with a few movements, Mario curled his body around Marco's. Marco gasped and barely breathed as he stayed completely still. This had never happened before. He had always been the one to curl his body around Mario's and not this way around. 

"Mhm, Marco," Mario mumbled, pressing his face against Mario's chest, letting out an apparently satisfied breath. 

Mario couldn't have feelings for him, or could he? Marco thought, and with these thoughts, there was no way he could catch sleep anytime soon. 

Mario's hand was feeling very warm on his chest, and the rest of his body was slowly but certainly pressing up against him. Marco found his thoughts drifting to Mario's body again and for a short moment he feared that his body would react right now. Kind of luckily for him, though, he managed to move his thoughts back to his worries and the uncertainty of the feelings he felt for Mario and the uncertainty of Mario's feelings for him, which made his libido go back to normal levels.

As Marco had thought, Mario's attraction to him should be visible somehow. The only thing was, that Marco wasn't sure if the signs Mario was showing were signs of attraction or just friendliness. Marco frowned silently as his head almost ached because of his excessive thinking. He thought about his options, he couldn't leave because it would wake Mario up, he couldn't think about Mario's body warmth because it would surely lead to an awkward situation if something went up...

He decided to go with the probably most pathetic option and opened his smart phone, turning the brightness low so that Mario wouldn't be waken up by the light. 

'How to know if someone is interested in you?' He googled. 

The first few links that he opened weren't very useful. There were things like 'think positive, of course he or she can be interested in you' but that wouldn't do it for Marco. Marco needed concrete examples. He kept searching, before he found a site that looked promising and started to read, about examples of the person who might be attracted to you acting in a way that might signal that he or she really is attracted to you. 

'Does he/she search for you company?'

'Does he/she touch you often?' 

'Does he/she smile when he/she is with you?' 

'Does he/she compliment you?'

'Does he/she treat you well?' 

Marco thought about all of the examples one by one and couldn't help his jaw dropping as he thought. Everything matched. 

Could it really be?

Mario spent a lot of time with Marco. He often was in the same room, only leaving Marco to go to work or to the bathroom. He often sat next to Marco when they spent time in the living room, even though the living room had plenty of seats not so close to Marco. Mario also often touched Marco, even if it weren't in a sexual way, he still touched him, nevertheless. 

Mario also smiled a lot, and quite often, if the topic of their conversation wasn't serious of course. While they were talking about Marco's worries and sadness, he was serious and emphatic. But while they were just hanging out and having fun together, Mario smiled a lot and oh how his smile was like staring at the Sun. Mario's smile was one of the most beautiful things Marco had ever seen in his life, it was so bright and white, showing his perfect dimples and...

Marco stopped his thinking before could think too much and make his body react, so he followed the list he had managed to gather. Does he compliment you? Of course Mario did. Every day, Mario said something nice about him. He complimented his hair, his smile, his choice of clothes, his smile or his appearance in general.

And oh did Mario treat Marco well. Mario was always there for Marco, keeping him company, cooking with him, sleeping with him, making sure that he had everything that he could possibly need. He cheered Marco up when he was down, and was there for him when he didn't even want to be cheered up. 

Just everything matched. So maybe, just maybe there was a chance that Mario could like Marco back. 

Marco couldn't be too sure though, so he just settled with the thought that he'd start observing more now, and pay more attention to Mario's behavior. Maybe he'd notice something, while he'd most likely become even surer or his own feelings. Just some more confirmation would help him.


	23. I love you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you soo much for all the feedback you gifted me with, I can't express how happy it makes me that you're still reading this story and leaving feedback!   
> The title of this chapter tells a lot, beware, it's dark in the beginning but the ending should be exciting ;) I hope that you'll enjoy this chapter and I'd love to hear what you think about it! 
> 
> Now, the topic of this story is very serious and depression is a serious matter, and I try to write about it as well as I can. I have some own experiences and I try to write it in the most realistic way I can, even though of course this is fiction after all. If you think that you might be triggered by this chapter or the entire story, please don't read it. This chapter again contains self harming and some very dark thoughts. I felt like I had to say this at this point. 
> 
> Sorry for all the mistakes, English isn't my first language.

Marco was having a bad day. A really bad day. 

After getting so confused with his emotions and feelings for Mario, he had actually tried to ignore them for a while. He had started to see things from a new perspective, though. Now he actually saw the chance that Mario might actually like him, and it made him see things differently. He saw that Mario was really doing the things to him that he had already thought that he did, on that sleepless night. He was giving him attention, touching him, smiling to him and complimenting him almost enough to make Marco believe that he had a crush on him. 

Still, Marco refused to believe it. He would need some confirmation, something to make sure that Mario actually liked him in a romantic way. He needed to be sure that his mind wasn't fooling him, and that he wasn't being too hopeful again. A few days had passed though, and Marco hadn't gotten the confirmation that he needed.

This morning he had stayed with Mario, who wasn't at work because it was Sunday. He had had breakfast with him and then went for a short walk with him, all the time tears threatening to run down his cheeks. He had woken up feeling like shit, all the bad and unpleasant thoughts had just been hitting his mind, no matter how much he had tried not to let them get to him. 

The words 'I want to die' kept drumming in his head even though he really knew that he didn't want to. All the bad scenarios he had ever made in his mind were coming back to him. The fears of being alone forever, the fears of fucking up so spectacularly that everybody would hate him. The thought of surely not ever being able to be enough, the thought of being unable to be good at anything. The thought of being ugly and worthless, unlovable. He was simply feeling so desperate yet again, not even sure why. It was just a pattern that he went through over and over again. He'd be alright, he might even feel happy, he'd feel a little sad, he'd feel very sad, he'd want to die, and then the pattern would repeat itself.

He had felt so bad yet he had tried to ignore it, for Mario, and for himself. He had tired to refuse to understand his own feelings and tried not to think them through. But of course his mind was overthinking, there was no way around. Even though he had been to the therapy an couple of times already, and it had made him feel slightly better, feeling like this made him doubt could he ever get better, because he simply felt so miserable. 

He couldn't hold back his tears anymore, so he excused himself, and went to the guest room where he had stayed and where some of his clothes still were, leaving a perplexed Mario behind him. He just couldn't keep up his facade anymore and he didn't want to break down right in front of Mario. He needed to be by himself, and do something that he hadn't done in a long time.

He and Mario had gone to get some of his clothes from Marco's old place, and once they had been there, Marco had also picked up something else. When Mario hadn't noticed, he had gone to his bathroom. Over there he had kept the most of his blades, the blades he had a lot. Even though going to the therapy had started to help him a little bit and he knew that he should under no circumstances cut, he couldn't help himself as he had hid a few blades in his pocket. 

Tears were already streaming down his face he dug very deep in his pocket and found the blade that he had wrapped in a tissue. He tried not to let out any sobs even though they wear nearly tearing his throat apart. "You shouldn't do this," he whispered to himself as he looked at the blade in his trembling hands. He knew that he shouldn't do it, but he desperately needed to, and he wanted to do it before Mario would come to look for him. 

He raised his sleeve and looked at some of the fading scars, some of which were still bright read. Each told a story of the pain Marco had felt, and even if Marco sometimes felt bad about having so many scars, he tried to tell himself that what was done was done and that he couldn't do anything about it anymore. What he could do now, was not to cut, but yet there he was, pressing the blade against his skin, hissing as he slowly dragged it along his arm.

He welcomed the pain with new tears, watching a cut forming on his arm. It wasn't deep, nor did it bleed much, and for a second, Marco thought about cutting another time with more force, yet he stopped. 

Why he stopped, he didn't know. He just did. Maybe the acknowledgement of knowing that he shouldn't, and that people didn't want to- at least Mario didn't want him to cut, made him stop. Plus, he had already gotten one cut, which was at least partly satisfying for him as he looked at the blood slowly running down his arm 

He could torture himself with the thoughts, the thoughts of how he had again failed and done something stupid. He would have to talk about this in the therapy and he wasn't proud to tell this. He'd like to say that he had made progress, but this was a setback. He had failed people again. 

He kept crying as he dropped the blade and rubbed his eyes, knowing that Mario would know that he wasn't alright the second he saw him, and of course, at that second, Mario carefully opened the door. 

"Marco?" He called as he opened the door shyly before his eyes grew big as he saw Marco sitting on the floor next to a blade. 

"I'm sorry," Marco said. The words he had said so many times before. 

"What?! Don't be sorry, okay?" Mario said as he crouched down next to Marco, took a clean tissue from the nightstand and put it on Marco's bleeding arm. "Don't be sorry. Of course I wish that you would have told me, but don't be sorry." 

"Yes I am sorry. I failed you." 

"You didn't fail me, Marco. This is not something that goes away over night. And you've made some progress, haven't you? You only cut once now, that's better than the first time." 

"It isn't when in my mind I want to do this dozens of times. I'm not making any progress. I'm sorry Mario, I don't think I can do this," Marco said, letting out all his despair. It was true, he wasn't really sure if he could ever have a normal life again. 

"No, don't say that!" Mario said, with clear worry in his eyes. "I'm sure there's a way out of this! You're going to be okay! This is just a bad moment." 

"I can't live with bad moments like these in my life, Mario. I'm sorry but there are just moments I still want to die. I know that it's not rational for you, but for me, it is." 

"No, please don't say that!" Mario begged, with almost tears in his eyes as he hugged Marco. 

"Why shouldn't I? It's just the raw truth. Sometimes, I feel like I'd be better off dead." 

"You're not!" 

"Give me a reason why not," Marco said, looking deep into Mario's eyes, just waiting for the moment when Mario couldn't come up with an answer. 

"Because I love you!" Mario said, one single tear rolling down his cheek. 

Marco gasped, as he heard the words, for the first time. It sounded so meaningful, Mario sounded so serious and sure as he said the words. 

"I love you Marco, I really do. With all my heart," Mario said again, after clearing his throat, looking deep into Marco's eyes. 

'Could Mario really love me?' Marco thought.


	24. You're the one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you soooo much for the feedback on the latest chapter, it means a lot really, I can't describe how grateful I am! :-)   
> Here's another chapter for you guys, it's shorter but an important one, now, if my plans go right in the next chapter you'll have the new character I talked about :D I hope that you'll like this chapter! :-)   
> \+ sorry about the mistakes, I didn't have time to read it through yet.

"I love you Marco, I really do. With all my heart," Mario said, with tears in his eyes. 

He hadn't planned to confess this right now, but at this point, he didn't know what else he could have done. 

He loved Marco, he loved him more than anything in the world and Marco needed to know it. To this point, Mario had been afraid that Marco would be too fragile to hear it, too locked up in his mind to understand that he really meant it. Mario needed to say it though, he couldn't hold it in himself anymore. He needed Marco to know the truth, he needed him to know that he loved him, unconditionally.

Marco was everything Mario could ever wish for. He was funny, charming, handsome, beautiful, polite, affectionate and passionate about the things he loved. His smile was the most beautiful thing in the world, and his nature was sweet and kind. He was perfect, Mario had known it for a rather long time, and Mario could only pray that Marco would see it himself. He would see to it, if he didn't. He would tell Marco every day how much he loved him, even if Marco never loved him back. 

The atmosphere in the room was tense and shocked, but Mario gratefully noticed how the tears had stopped streaming down Marco's face. Marco was looking at him tentatively with big eyes, surprisal written all over his face. Marco's hands had stopped shaking and they weren't in fists anymore. 

"Y-you love me?" He asked, his voice slightly broken. 

"I do Marco. I really do. I know that it must be hard for you to grasp but I really love you, and you need to know it," Mario said, after taking a deep breath and mustering his courage. He really didn't know what he would do if Marco got insulted or scared by what he had just admitted. 

Marco looked at him, his eyes traveling back and fort his body and his face. He was clearly thinking, excessively. His breathing was a little shallow and for Mario it was hard to tell what he was thinking, and it made his heart beat fast. He was nervous, very nervous, and wasn't sure what he should say if the silence continued for longer. 

"You...love me, like, romantically?" Marco asked, biting his lip in a way that made Mario's heart almost fly out of his chest. 

Mario gulped. Now was the time he should reveal his true feelings for Marco. It could go terribly wrong, or it could change everything for the better. "Yes, Marco," Mario said, deciding to go with the truth. "I love you romantically. I am more interested in men, and I can tell you, that you're the most handsome and charming man I've ever met, I'm very attracted to you, you're a wonderful person." 

"Oh," Marco said, but couldn't hide the small smile on his face. "I, I never thought that this could happen." 

"I can believe that but Marco, this is really happening. I am in love with you," Mario said, emphasizing the words 'in love'. 

Marco stayed silent for a while as he processed the words in his mind, biting his lips worriedly.

"You aren't mad, are you?" Mario asked, he just had to. He knew that Marco was gay but hell, that was no guarantee that Marco would like the thought of Mario being in love with him. 

"No!" Marco hastened to say, and the rock on Mario's heart moved a bit, making it easier to breathe. "I'm very flattered and I, I like you too." Marco moved his eyes to his lap sheepishly, blushing adorably. 

"You like me?" Mario asked, knowing that Marco meant it in a way that he had feelings for Mario too, he just couldn't put it into words. Not yet. But for Mario, this was already a victory. Marco had feelings for him, they could be more than friends possibly, one day.

"Yes, I mean I like you... A lot. Very much, you know that..." Marco said, blushing. 

"Also in a romantic way?" Mario tried to confirm. 

"Yes." Marco looked at Mario hesitantly. "Yes, romantically. I just never thought that this could happen, that you'd like me back, I'm so-"

"Surprised, I know. Don't worry about it, Marco. I understand that you're shocked and you must need time to think about this. We don't have to say or do anything now, just take your time." Mario tried to sound calming, even though inside he was burning. Mario wanted to kiss Marco right there and then, but he knew that it would be too overwhelming for Marco right now. He had just learned about his feelings for Mario, and now, he was only starting to process what it meant. Mario had already waited for Marco, he had waited for the man of his dreams for so long and he could surely wait for a while more. 

"Uh, thank you, I guess I really do need to get my head around that. Thank you, for telling me that, though. It's very emotional for me, and I can't thank God enough for brining you into my life," Marco said, and a little carefully hugged Mario. "We can take it slowly."

"Slowly it is then," Mario said, brushing his thumb over Marco's cheek but not going further. 

 

\---

 

After their confession, Mario had helped Marco up from the ground, cleaned his wound and then gone on like normally, almost as if nothing had happened. 

Marco had probably never been this messed up in his mind. Right after his most desperate moment in weeks, Mario had shown up and confessed his love to him. Marco had thought about the possibility that Mario might like him, but, he hadn't even imagined that Mario could love him. 

Marco had been so sure that nobody could ever love him, that he would never be loved. But Mario did love him. He loved him, he had repeated it several times and assured Marco that he wasn't dreaming, that all of it was really happening.

Mario had talked about his feelings and Marco had been able to confess his own as well, and now when they acknowledged their feelings for each other, the had atmosphere changed, even though their actions hadn't. There were maybe a few more loving gazes yes, but not much apart from that had changed. 

Mario had apparently thrown the ball to Marco. Marco would have to be the one to do the decisions from now on, be the one to action in order to make their relationship develop. Marco wasn't sure if he liked it, because hell, he had no idea how to approach a man in a romantic way. Mario wasn't showing any signs that he would be the one to approach Marco, and Marco knew that he probably thought that he would need months to get over the fact that he had told him that he loved him. 

Marco didn't need that time. Of course he was scared, but who wasn't? Mario had told him that he wanted him, and he had told him that he would be together with him, as long as the time would be right. Marco had been waiting for someone to love him all his life, and now when someone did, he wasn't planning on waiting. Even with his constant doubts and insecurities, he wanted to take this chance. 

It would take a while, and he would need a plan, but they could get there. They had to get there.


	25. A new friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovely people! :)   
> Thank you so much for still reading my story, it means a lot, especially the comments and the kudos, thank you so much, they've made me really happy!   
> Here's another chapter, finally with the new character I promised you a while ago. I hope that you'll like it :-)

Marco walked out of the building where he had had the therapy, yet again. 

He had kept going to the therapy regularly, and slowly, Marco had noticed that it really had helped him. It helped him with his mind, he had become a lot calmer, he had managed to get more peace of mind after every day that passed. It got better, it was safe to say that. Marco felt more at ease with himself, he felt better about himself and he dared to do more things. He had become braver and felt like he could actually say things without being really afraid now. 

With Mario, it was different too. Ever since Mario had confessed his love to him the atmosphere had been different, tense wasn't the right word, it was just different. After Marco had taken Mario's confession more than well, Mario had dared to hold his hand more often, he had occasionally even kissed Marco's cheek before they had gone to bed, but that had been pretty much it. The love was there, even the romantic love, the short kisses on the cheeks and the longer hugs, but that was it and it was driving Marco crazy. 

Marco had tried to show Mario that it was more than all right if Mario touched him for a moment longer, or if he kissed him, but none of Marco's signals had seemed to work properly. Mario was still most likely thinking that Marco wasn't ready for anything else yet, that he was still processing what Mario had told him. 

And it was true, Marco was still processing it, but he had somewhat learned to understand it, and even accept it during his better moments. Of course his sad moments still didn't allow him to think straight and he was still at times thinking that he wasn't worth loving, but those moments were short and Marco usually was able to overcome them by himself, if not all by himself then with Mario's help. 

Marco had talked about Mario in the therapy, but it hadn't helped Marco in that matter. He already knew what he felt for Mario and what Mario most likely felt for him. What he needed to know, was what he could do in order to let Mario know that he loved him too, and that he wanted more than just kisses on the cheeks, as long as Mario would be all right with it. Marco hadn't even managed to tell Mario that he loved him yet, he had only told him that he liked him, a lot, but that was different than saying that he loved him. Mario would deserve to know that he really loved him. 

Marco sighed as he rubbed his eyes and glanced at his watch. His therapy today had ended a little earlier than normally, and now he had time before he'd see Mario downtown. They were supposed to go to see a movie, something Marco couldn't have even dreamed of doing weeks ago, but now it was possible since he had become braver. 

The psychiatrist had encouraged Marco to do things that might seem uncomfortable at first, but things that Marco could get through. Marco had tried some of that, like going to the movies for example, but there was one thing Marco had thought about doing for quite a while now, even if it was something very simple, Marco wanted to do it. 

Go to have a cup of coffee. He saw a coffee place at the corner of the street, looking rather nice and welcoming. Maybe it would go wrong and Marco would feel bad about it, or then it would go well and Marco would feel proud of himself afterwards. Since Marco had time, he decided to go. It couldn't be too bad, could it?

Marco walked to the cafe, and entered it hesitantly, trying to breathe normally. The cafe was quite full since it was almost lunch time, but a few tables were still vacant and Marco figured that he could take this chance. He went to the queue and patiently waited for his turn. When his turn came, he looked up and saw a man with a warm smile and shining eyes.

"Hello! What can I get for you?" The man asked, smiling at Marco, making Marco feel happy. 

"An espresso, please," Marco said, without stuttering, feeling proud again. 

"An espresso it is, and your name?" The cafe worker asked. 

"Marco." 

"That's a nice name, Marco, just wait a moment and it'll be right up. It would be three euros, please," the man with the name tag 'Pierre' on his chest said. Marco handed him the money and then went forward on the encounter to wait for his coffee. Marco got his coffee, still in a good mood after everything had gone well. He went to a table for two next to the window, figuring that he would most likely be left alone there, to drink his coffee in peace until he would start walking downtown where he'd meet Mario to go to see the movie. 

Marco sipped his coffee, savoring the taste in his mouth. He really loved coffee, and it had been a while since the last time he had had something else than regular home made coffee. He liked his espresso, and he sat there, not bothering to do anything else than watch the cafe filling up with people, soon all of the tables being full of people, most of them with friends or family. A part of Marco wished that he would also have someone to sit with him, but he tried to shake the bad thoughts off his mind as fast as he could. 

He sat there, just staring out of the window when he heard someone clear his throat next to him, and he looked up. "I'm sorry to disturb, but may I sit here, there is no other place free, and I prefer having some company?" A man Marco had already seen at the counter, Pierre, asked him. 

Marco gulped hesitantly as he nodded, working instinctively in the situation that wasn't familiar at all for him. He had no idea how was he supposed to get through this situation, even though Pierre seemed nice and wouldn't probably bother Marco in any way, the situation didn't promise too good for Marco's anxiety. 

"You weren't waiting for someone, right?" Pierre asked, looking into Marco's eyes. 

"No, no I wasn't, I'm alone," Marco said, and managed a weak smile. This was the most human contact he had gotten in such a long time, if you didn't count his family and Marcel, Robin and Mario, of course. Marco was surprised that Pierre was talking to him, maybe he wasn't that hatable after all? 

"Cool. I just thought I'd stay here, as you might remember I was at the counter there. My break is now but it's not too long, and with all the respect the people in break space they have for the workers aren't that nice," Auba scoffed. 

"Why?" Marco heard himself asking. Where had these social skills he had been hiding?

"None of them like to talk, they just sit there drinking coffee with their faces glued to their phones, and they pull long faces if I try to speak or go there to listen to music," Pierre said. "You're not bothered by me talking this much, are you?" He asked, and Marco quickly shook his head. 

"No, quite the opposite," Marco said, but then fell silent, not knowing what to say. The silence was a bit awkward but Pierre didn't seem to mind yet, he was completely relaxed and Marco wondered how he did it. 

"I'm Auba, by the way. My name is Pierre-Emerick but everybody calls me Auba," Pierre said, shoving Marco his hand and smiling at him.   
Marco hesitantly shook his hand, carefully making sure that his sleeve wouldn't slip up and Auba wouldn't get scared by his scars. "I'm Marco, as you may recall." 

"Yeah, I remember. So, what are you doing here, at a cafe in the middle of the day, alone?" Auba asked and Marco thanked God that Auba kept the conversation going so easily. 

"I finished a... er, meeting I had earlier and I thought I'd drop down here to wait for my uh, friend. We are supposed to go to see a movie in an hour or so," Marco explained, cursing silently after his stuttering. 

"Sounds nice, what movie are you gonna see?" 

"Batman v Superman," Marco answered. 

"Cool, I love Batman!" Auba said enthusiastically, and before Marco knew it, Auba's mouth didn't stop for a moment as he started to explain about his favorite superhero, along with Spider-Man and Hulk. Marco listened attentively, like he always did the rare times someone spoke to him. He found himself liking Auba, he was kind and nice towards him, not showing any disgust or boredom in Marco, and Marco was really grateful of that. Auba was one of the few persons who had ever shown that to Marco. 

Marco also managed to talk something in between. He talked about superheroes and comics with Auba, somehow being able to relax and the conversation kept going, but sadly, Auba was starting to run out of break. 

"Hey, I better get going now before my boss gets angry, it was nice talking to you, and actually finding someone who's also interested in comics, I'm quite new to this town so it would be nice to make a friend," Auba smiled, shyly. 

"Well, if you want a friend I could be one," Marco said, not being able to believe that he had just talked with a stranger for the past half an hour, and now, he was offering him his friendship. 

"Really? That's super nice of you, Marco," Auba said, and smiled. "Could we meet again, sometime, or could I have your phone number. 

Marco hesitated for a while, before he glanced at his phone. "I'll probably be here the same time tomorrow, so maybe we could meet then?" 

"Of course," Auba said, and then disappeared behind the counter. "Bye, Marco."

"Bye!" Marco said, before he stepped out of the door. A new friend, who would've thought? His friendship with Auba was only in the beginning, but it was promising, and surely gave Marco a lot of energy. Maybe he could even help Marco with getting closer to Mario one day?


	26. In the movies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey this chapter took a long time but now it's finally here :) it's about Marco and Mario again, almost solely about them, I hope that you'll like it!   
> Thank you for your feedback so far, it gives me so much motivation and faith in my writing, thank you! :-)   
> \+ sorry for the mistakes

"Hi, Marco!" Mario shouted as he saw Marco walking towards him. 

He was standing in front of the movie theater waiting for Marco to join him. They had agreed to meet there right after Mario would get out of work, and watch a movie together. Mario had been the one to propose it, but Marco's look had left no doubt of whether he wanted to join him or not. 

Everything had gone smoothly after Mario had finally managed to utter out that he loved Marco. So far everything was normal, apart from them having a few more adoring glances and a little longer touches. Mario was fine with that, he was just very relieved to have the huge rock that he had been carrying off his shoulders. 

Of course Mario would have loved to go on with their relationship and do something more, like kiss Marco, but he had promised Marco that they would take their time. Marco's time. Mario would give Marco all the time he needed to come together with everything that had happened, so Mario would wait until Marco would start to show him signs of affection that could be considered in a way that he wanted something more. Marco would show them once he'd be ready, Mario was pretty sure about that, and of course Mario had told him that he could tell him everything, so, if Marco wanted to have something more than hugs and loving glances, he would tell him, wouldn't he?

"Hi, Mario!" Marco shouted back as he took the last few steps towards Mario and then stopped. 

"How was therapy?" 

"Pretty good, same as usual. Dr. Leitner said that I'm making progress though, so that good." 

"That's great to hear! And the rest of your day, you didn't have to wait long, did you?" Mario asked, not liking the thought of Marco having to be alone downtown.

"It was good, too. I actually finished a little earlier with the therapy, so I went to cafe." Mario couldn't help his eyebrows rising towards the sky. 

"A cafe?" Mario asked, incredulously. Since when had Marco been this brave? So far he had almost detested the thought of having to be alone anywhere. 

"Yeah, uh, Dr. Leitner has been encouraging me to push my limits a little, just kind of seeing what I really am comfortable with, and that's why I decided to go to that cafe," Marco said shyly, but looked rather proud of himself. 

"And how did it go?" Mario asked, burning in interest. This was such a huge step for Marco.

"Well, I think. I was just sitting there, drinking my coffee, when the barista came talking to me." Mario gulped. Had it gone badly after all? 

"Really?" 

"Yeah, I had a hard time believing that it happened, too. But it went really well, actually. He was very nice. He's interested in comics too, and we had a nice chat after I told him that I was going to see the Batman v. Superman today. His name is Auba." 

"That... That's really good, isn't it?" Mario said, kind of lost for words. 

"Yeah, it actually is. He seems really nice. I'm going to see him again tomorrow, I think..." 

Mario couldn't even say anything as he stared at Marco, totally blown away. 

He had known that the therapy had had a positive effect on Marco, but he hadn't known that something like this could actually happen, he hadn't seen it happening, it came as a shock. Mario was incredibly happy of course, but emotional as well. He could still clearly remember the desperation that had been written all over Marco's face when he had saved him from that bridge months ago. 

"That's, uh, wow." 

"It is. I have a hard time believing that it happened, but I'm trying to believe it, and I hope that tomorrow will go well," Marco said and smiled. "Should we get the tickets?" 

"Yeah, sure," Mario said, coming out of his trance, deciding to again focus solely on Marco. 

They got the tickets to the movie and bought popcorn, going to the movie theater and sat on their seats, waiting for the movie to begin. 

Mario didn't necessarily like comics or superheroes, but it seemed to be something that Marco was truly interested in so he was willing to give it a shot, plus, for him the movie didn't matter that much, it was Marco's presence and company that mattered. Mario liked to share some of Marco's interests, and who knew, maybe he'd learn to like superheroes and comics one day, too. 

Mario sat next to Marco, who already had his 3D-glasses on. The commercials were already running on the huge screen in front of them, and soon, the theater was filled with people, all of them wanting to see the new movie. Marco and Mario were sitting in the middle of their row, people in front of them, behind them, and next to them. 

Marco seemed to be relaxed, maybe his meeting at the cafe had made him feel better about himself, which was good. Mario could only hope that the guy who he didn't even know yet - Auba, would keep having such a positive effect on Marco. He wished that he could see him one day, but maybe it was better if Marco saw him by himself for a few times. 

The lights dimmed, and the movie started. On the scream batman was already fighting with the superman, and Mario tried to pay attention for a while, but he simply couldn't. He didn't understand most of the things that were going on on the screen so he turned his attention to Marco, who was attentively watching the movie, occasionally eating some popcorn. Marco looked so beautiful like this, so gorgeous as he bit his lips when something exciting happened. He looked so good and Mario had to hold himself from not groaning out loud. 

God damnit, he desired Marco so much. He wished that he could already do something, but he had promised himself not to do anything yet. Mario tried to shake off the unpleasant thoughts from his mind, and tried to watch the movie, but as he again found himself not being able to concentrate, his thoughts started drifting away. 

Mario started thinking about Marco's new friendship, imagining what kind of effects if might have on him. If Auba really was as good as he seemed to be, maybe Marco would start to go out with him more. Moreover Mario hoped that Marco now would start to notice that people wanted to be his friends, that he was in no ways unpleasant and that people wanted to be with him because they wanted to, and not because they had to. Mario really prayed that Auba would be a good person though, he doubted if Marco could take another tough blow on him. Auba couldn't leave Marco. 

As Mario thought about what kind of a person Auba might be, suddenly, he came to a really unpleasant thought. What if Auba wanted to be something more than just friends with Marco?

Who knew would Auba be a threat to Mario? 

Mario got really uneasy on his seat, changing his position several times. This wasn't right, no, no, no. Auba was most likely straight, and even if he were interested in men, that didn't mean that Marco would be interested in him. Mario bit his lips, hell, since when had he become this insecure about himself and why was he that now? 

He looked at Marco again, who was still watching the movie, looking happy and smiling. The thoughts hit Mario again, he needed to be the one to steal Marco's heart, he needed to be the first person to kiss him and be his boyfriend. He wanted to be the first one, he wanted to make sure that he would be the one. He knew that Marco liked him, but who knew, maybe Marco would find a better man? 

Mario had of course already tried to court Marco and make him see how much he loved him and what a good boyfriend Mario could be, but maybe that wasn't enough? Mario would need to try something more, even though so far Marco had enjoyed what he had done to him. 

Mario looked at Marco once more, before he decided to action.

He slowly put his arm on the back of Marco's seat, and then leaned forward. He saw Marco smiling at him, briefly, before he turned his attention back to the movie. Mario continued with his mission, he moved closer, and slowly but certainly, he moved his arm so that his hand was resting on Marco's shoulder. 

By the time Marco felt Mario's hand on his shoulder, he had turned his gaze towards Mario. He smiled at him, signaling that he enjoyed Mario's touch. Mario let out a sigh of relief but wasn't really content yet. They had done things like these before, but now, he wanted to go just a little bit further. 

He started to move his other hand towards Marco's lap, where his other hand was relaxing. He put his own hand one Marco's, slowly entangling their fingers, and simply looked at Marco's reaction. 

Marco's smile was simply priceless.


	27. Advice turned into action

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little longer chapter for instance, things are moving forward... ;)   
> Thank you so much for the supportive feedback I've gotten, it means more than I can even describe.   
> I hope that you'll like this chapter, too :)  
> Sorry if there are mistakes, I proof read it only once.

Marco sighed as he slumped down on the same seat he had been on yesterday. 

He had again finished therapy, and definitely felt like he could use some coffee. The therapy had been challenging and tiring. It was getting harder for Marco to express how he felt when his psychiatrist had already heard almost all of his depressive thoughts. Marco needed to go deeper in his descriptions, deeper with how he really felt. Just saying that he was sad wasn't enough, Marco wanted to tell more than that but at times it was really hard to put his feelings into words. 

Marco had kept feeling bad, still, not matter how hard he tried to control his thoughts and block the bad thoughts from coming. Yes, he did feel better that what he had been when he had started the therapy, but it was such a long process and it was starting to strain him. 

Right after getting out of the therapy he had headed to the cafe again, hoping that Auba would keep his promise and that he would be there. Of course Auba had been the one to suggest that they should meet there, but Marco wouldn't be surprised if Auba didn't show up to talk to him, after all. Marco had been left and disappointed so many times in his life before, he didn't have trust in people anymore, no matter how good a person Auba seemed to be, he couldn't help but doubt if he would show up. 

Marco waited on his seat, sitting on the edge of it, hardly being able to keep his hands from shaking as he sipped his coffee occasionally. He kept looking around, and was almost starting to get disappointed, before he saw Auba approaching from behind the counter, smiling at Marco as he saw him.

He got up from his seat, waving at Auba, who bro-hugged him right after he was close enough. "Good to see you again!" 

"Nice to see you, too!"

Auba sat down with his cup of coffee humming excitedly, before they started to talk. "So, how was the movie?" Auba asked and from there on Marco started to tell Auba about the movie, he hadn't wanted to spoil it, but, Auba had insisted that he should tell him about the movie, so Marco did, going into every detail he could remember, but truth to be told his memory wasn't so sharp after Mario had started to hold him. 

They also talked about their friends and the people close to them, and Marco had also talked a lot about Mario, he told Auba that he was living with him, and that they were good friends. Yeah, good friends, Marco didn't yet manage to say anything about him being helplessly in love with Mario.

And before Marco knew it, they were at the topic he had always dreaded to talk about. 

Relationships. 

"So, are you single or...?" Auba brought the question up. Marco gulped as he sipped his coffee, not being ready for this discussion even though he had already imagined how it could go in his head. 

"It's... Complicated." 

"Whoa, okay, now you're making this interesting. Tell me more, if you want to." Auba's gaze was sincere and genuinely interested, something Marco hadn't first expected to see when he had started talking to him more. 

"Well, uh, I'm gay, first of all," Marco managed to utter out, not being comfortable with saying the words, but he had talked about this with his psychiatrist, she had told Marco that one shouldn't be afraid to tell something like that. Marco had taken the chance, he didn't have much to lose here, after all, and keeping such a big secret from Auba as his sexuality could damage their friendship. 

"Cool, so tell me more about him then," Auba said, showing a minimal reaction. 

"You don't mind me being gay then?" Marco asked, just to be sure. 

"Of course not. So what if you're in love with a guy?" Auba asked and sipped his coffee. "Really, Marco, it's cool if you like guys." 

"Thanks," was all Marco could say, incredibly relieved. 

"Why is it complicated with him?" 

"Well, he knows that I love him, and he's told me that he loves me." Marco didn't know how to continue, the situation was just so difficult. 

"That doesn't seem complicated?" Auba asked, sounding surprised.

"The thing is, that's all. That's not complicated, the complicated thing is that he isn't doing anything else than holding hands and hugging me, when he told me that he loved me romantically! I don't understand!" Marco said, letting out his frustration. 

"Oh," Auba said. "Okay, that's difficult. 

"And by the way, that guy is Mario," Marco said, abruptly. 

"Oh!" Auba squeaked now, and was about to continue, before Marco started talking again, not being able to stop once he had been able to tell this to someone.

"And if he wants something more romantic, he's apparently waiting for me to take the first step." Marco buried his face in his hands, not sure what to do next. He didn't know how he had managed to open up to Auba like this, but he had, and he wasn't sure how Auba would react now.

"Why don't you make the first step then?" He asked, completely clueless. 

"Because. I. Don't. Know. How." Marco emphasized every word, making sure that Auba understood that he was very terrified of the idea. "I have no idea how, I've never been with someone the way I've been with him." 

"Fancy some help then?" Auba said, looking a little amused. "Come on, man, we need to get you and this guy together! The way you talked about him - I could already sense that you had a crush on him, but I didn't say anything. You seriously are so deep." 

"Yeah, I know... Thanks for listening, I really appreciate it. I could talk to Marcel, who I probably already mentioned, but he doesn't know I'm gay and it doesn't seem right to confide in him with this." Marco sincerely looked at Auba, being really thankful for finally getting this out of his chest, and hopefully, getting some help.

"Anytime. But, what would you be willing to do to get closer to him?" 

"Almost anything." 

"I have an idea that we can start with."

 

\--- 

 

It was later that evening Marco and Mario were laying on the couch, watching TV and talking. 

Mario seemed to be relaxed as he kept looking at the TV screen, looking peacefully as he wore his comfortable sweatpants and a top. His legs were resting on the table near the couch, and his arm was on the arm rest of the couch, while his other arm was just resting on his lap. 

Marco wasn't relaxed as he tried to pay attention to the movie, because the words Auba had said to him earlier in the day kept drumming in his head. 

'Do little things, they don't have to be anything big, just touch him, for example.' 

Touch Mario. That was what Marco was thinking. Marco himself was feeling rather good now, his worst thoughts had gone away for some time for now, and he had been able to enjoy his evening with Mario, until his thoughts had drifted to his words with Auba, and the current situation he and Mario's 'relationship' was in. 

Marco sighed as he couldn't fix his eyes off Mario, who was lying there, probably looking more casual than ever, but for Marco, he seemed very desirable and God did Marco want to touch him. He wanted to, he just wasn't sure how. Hugging him would mean that Mario might think that he was searching for comfort, and not because Marco wanted to do it in a romantically way. Kissing on the cheek would have been too obvious and too awkward for the situation they were in. Marco had limited options, very limited options. 

Marco's eyes grew a little larger as he saw Mario scratching his thigh, and an idea hit Marco. 

Probably a very stupid idea, but an idea, nevertheless. 

He shifted closer to Mario, who noticed his movement, and smiled. Marco smiled back, and saw how Mario's gaze turned into surprisal when he inched himself even closer, so that their sides were touching, and that Mario's hand that had been resting on the back of the couch now slipped on Marco's shoulder. 

He took a few deep breaths, making himself comfortable in his position, gazing at his target. 

Mario's thigh. Men liked having their thighs touched, didn't they? Marco knew that he would like it, and he would most likely react to it, if Mario touched his thigh. Marco could only hope that Mario wouldn't back off or try to stop him from attempting to make him feel good. 

Taking one last breath, Marco raised his shaking hand and put it on Mario's thigh. 

Marco could hear Mario's breath hitch a little as he felt Marco's hand touching down on his thigh. Marco bit his lip and turned to look at him, but luckily, Mario smiled, but didn't say anything. 

Marco held his hand there for a while, deciding that he should go further now when Mario had reacted positively. He started to move his fingers with careful movements, drawing little patterns in Mario's skin, still covered by the fabric. Marco could feel the muscle of Mario's thigh tensing a little as he started his mission, but, only for a little while, before it relaxed, and Marco started feeling Mario drawing similar patterns on his shoulder. 

Marco's entire hand was still resting on the thigh, even though only his fingers were moving and Marco decided to go even further, since Mario still hadn't shown any signs that he didn't want this. Marco decided to move his entire hand so he did, starting to slide it along the muscle of Mario's thigh. 

Mario's breathing was getting more uncontrolled and loud, and he shifted his body a little bit, but still made no intention to get away from Marco. Marco smiled, a little smugly even to to own us surprise, and kept moving his hand, before he unintentionally stopped his movements for a moment, as he saw Mario's lap. 

If Marco wasn't becoming crazy, he could see nearly certainly that a tent was forming in Mario's pants. 

A rather big tent. 

"Ehh, this might end up awkwardly if you keep doing that..." Mario said, putting his hand on Marco's and stopping its movements. 

Marco smiled, he had actually had an effect on Mario, he hadn't just imagined it. He would gladly let his hand just stay there where it was now as Mario entangled their fingers together. They hadn't gotten any further than this, but it was a start. 

Maybe, Mario would now realize that Marco wasn't afraid of being more intimate. Quite the contrary, Marco found his own briefs getting a little tight, too.


	28. Patience

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow this chapter took me a long time, but it's here now, I hope that you'll like it!   
> As always thank you so much for the feedback you've given me, thanks for taking the time to write comments and give kudos, it means a lot!

Mario was walking back home from work, frowning and listening to music on his headphones. 

This entire day at work had been testing his patience way too much, too many people had been too irritating and too many assignments had taken him too long a time. He had been counting the minutes until he'd finally be out of work, and the hours had gone by painfully slowly. It wouldn't have been near as bad if Mario had been able to control the desire burning in him better.

Mario usually was good at controlling his needs and his desire, but, after last night with Marco, it had all changed. Marco had been caressing his thigh, almost groping it, not that Mario minded it at all. Quite the opposite, Mario had been thrilled by Marco's touch, his hand had felt amazing and Mario would have let him continue if it hadn't been for the fear that the situation would have gotten really awkward. Mario had gotten hard, he hadn't been able to control his cheeky manhood disobeying his commands not to react too forcefully to Marco's touches. Mario had been sure that every vein in his body had been sending blood to his groin, and he was sure that Marco had also seen how his body had been reacting. 

Marco hadn't seemed to mind, though, luckily. He had only kept going, getting dangerously near Mario's crotch with his strokes, and Mario simply had had to stop the situation before he would have needed to run to the bathroom and jerk off. Mario had first been afraid of stopping Marco but after he had seen that Marco continued smiling even after he had made him stop, his fears had evaporated. 

He had already been making his way home for about fifteen minutes, when he was starting to reach downtown, and his phone beeped with a new message. 

-Would you like to come to the cafe? I'm still here, and I thought that maybe we could go to the supermarket and then cook together? You don't of course have to, though, I understand if you decided to decline. - 

Mario smiled as he read Marco's message. He was so happy that Marco was suggesting something like this, he had barely been able to say his own opinion on anything a month ago or so, but now, he was suggesting something like this to Mario and it was great. Of course his insecurity shone through this message too, since he mentioned Mario not having to come, even though it wouldn't have been necessary. 

-oh, I'll be there, in about five minutes, don't worry. - 

The response was so short because Mario was already picking up his pace and it was harder to concentrate on his phone. He wasn't far from the cafe which location Marco had explained to his sometime during last night (Mario's memories hadn't been too coherent). He walked fast, hoping to reach the cafe as soon as possible so Marco wouldn't feel anxiety sitting there alone. 

Mario realized that alone was a wrong word right after he got into the cafe, realizing that an unknown man was sat next to Marco, chatting and laughing loudly, and to Mario's surprisal, Marco was doing so, too. The unknown man, was most likely Auba, the man Marco had been talking about. 

Marco looked like a different person, he seemed happy and carefree as he laughed after Auba had apparently told a funny joke. Marco had only smiled like this a few times when they had been together, and first, a warm feeling spread in Mario's body as he noticed how happy he was, but soon, the feeling was replaced with a sharp sting. 

Jealousy. 

It was absurd that he felt that way, Mario knew it, but he couldn't help it. Mario wanted to be the person to make Marco laugh, he wanted to be the reason why Marco smiled and enjoyed himself. Of course he was thrilled that Marco had seemed to find someone whom he could have a good time with, but still, Mario couldn't be sure if Auba was his competition. Marco had told him that he liked him a lot but that was no bulletproof proof that Marco wouldn't like Auba better. 

Auba who was admittedly handsome, Mario thought. His smile was wide and his style was stylish, everything on him was on point. Mario couldn't help but feel threatened by this gorgeous being, so he straightened his shoulders, and started to walk towards Marco and Auba's table. 

He wasn't going down without a fight.   
"Hi," Mario said, putting on his polite smile. "Am I interrupting something?" 

Marco and Auba stopped laughing that instant and Marco started smiling, but Auba looked as if he were measuring Mario with his eyes. "No! Of course not, come sit with us, I wanted you to meet Auba anyway," Marco said, smiling brightly. 

"Sure," Mario said, and pulled a chair from the nearby table to take a seat next to Marco, even though there would have been a free seat closer to Auba. He didn't like his own reactions, but he couldn't help it, he didn't even know that he had such a possessive side in him. 

"Nice to meet you, I'm Auba," Auba said, extending his elegant hand towards Mario, who shook it hesitantly. "Mario, nice to meet you too." 

"Do you want some coffee? I could bring you some behind the counter, I don't know if Marco told you but I work here," Auba said, sounding very politely. 

"No, I'm fine thank you," Mario said, being sure that no cup of coffee would have calmed him down now. 

"As you wish. So, Marco has told me a lot about you. You work at some law firm, don't you?" 

"Yes, I actually just came back from work, or well, was going to go home but Marco asked me to come here." 

"I'm glad you did, it's finally nice to get a face to the man he's been talking about," Auba chuckled, and Mario did too, even though he hadn't wanted to. 

"Like wise," he said, having to admit that he hadn't imagined Auba to look the way he looked. 

"Hey come on I haven't been talking that much!" Marco chuckled. 

"Oh yeah you have, but we don't mind, at least I don't. Mario seems like a cool guy," Auba said, almost making Mario growl. Why did Auba have to be so perfect? 

Auba kept talking about this and that, all the while Marco was paying attention to him, looking happy as he spoke. The tight feeling in Mario's stomach didn't go away, and soon, without even noticing it he noticed how he leaned closer to Marco, put his hands around his shoulders, and even placed a hand on his leg. Marco's breath had hitched a bit, but he hadn't moved away and eventually even placed his own hand on Mario's. 

Mario had silently tried to find a way to interrupt the discussion and hint that he and Marco should go home, but so far, he hadn't found a way. Auba was nice to talk to, Mario had to admit, and probably his break wouldn't last for too long anymore, but Mario had just gotten so anxious about the possibility that Auba might be after Marco, he couldn't concentrate anymore and it was driving him crazy, 

He excused himself to the toilet, and frustratedly let out a sigh as he saw Auba and Marco still laughing. 

 

\---

 

"Dude, he's all over you!" Auba said, right after Mario had disappeared to the bathroom. 

"What?!" Marco gasped, blushing as he saw a few heads turning to his directions. 

"He's all over you! I mean, look how close he was to you! He was basically giving you public displays of affection, anyone who wouldn't know the situation would think that you're in a relationship! I can't believe he hasn't tried to move forward with you, even after last night!" 

Marco listened to Auba's words in awe, quite not being able to grasp his words. Yes, Mario had been close to him but 'being all over' Marco was something he didn't understand. "What are you saying with that?" 

"I'm saying that I'm shocked that he hasn't kissed you, yet! What kind of a fool is he?"

"He just is waiting for me to do it, I guess..." 

"Then what are you waiting for? He's so ready for it!" 

"I know! I need to do something!" Marco groaned desperately, almost wanting to hit his head on the table in front of him. 

"You'll find the way Marco, I'm sure of it," Auba said, patting Marco's shoulder as he sighed, seeing how Mario came out of the restroom.

 

\---

 

Marco was walking next to Mario, after having gone shopping. They had bought ingredients for their food, and were now walking home. 

After Mario had gotten out of the restroom, Auba had told them that he was running out of break and he had nearly pushed Marco right on Mario's skin, wishing him luck and telling him that he should go for it tonight. Marco was anxious of course, somehow, even the thought of kissing Mario set his body on fire, his mind short circuiting over the mental images. 

Mario was carelessly chatting with him, carrying one of the bags and already talking about how happy he was that they could have this dinner together, it had been a while since they really had had the time to prepare dinner together. Marco was happy too, even though he was already afraid of his feelings towards Mario surfacing in a new way. 

Marco felt like ripping his hair, biting his nails, his frustration was reaching some whole new levels. God how he wished that Mario would kiss him, or at least do something that he had done to him. If Mario didn't soon start to show Marco similar signs of affection as Marco had shown him, Marco would start to doubt if Mario had told him that he loved him without thinking it twice and was now regretting his actions. 

The worries Marco might have had evaporated when Mario put both of the bags he was carrying on one of his hands, and reached for Marco with his other hand. "Would you mind if we held hands?" He asked. 

Shaking his head was all Marco could do as he took Mario's hand without any hesitation, and started to walk hand in hand with him along the street that led to Mario's home. 

Since when had Mario decided to show Marco his affection on public places?

Marco didn't know why but he had made Mario clear that he wasn't against it, so far Mario had only decided not to do it, and Marco thought that it was because he didn't want to be seen holding hands with a guy in public, or that he didn't want to be seen holding Marco's hand in particular. Now these worries seemed stupid too, as Mario held his hand out in the public, ignoring the curious glances some of the people walking by them made. Even though the curious glances made Marco feel like a target along all the people around them, he couldn't care less. He had gotten used to being looked at or being bullied, it wasn't anything irregular and Marco had nothing to lose. He didn't have to hide from anyone, and if the man who meant the most to him wanted to hold his hand, then Marco would hold his hand. 

They soon reached Mario's apartment, and Mario was still being rather touchy as they entreated the apartment and put the groceries away and put the oven ready so that it would be at the advised heat soon. Mario started to set the table while Marco took a cutting board and started to cut the vegetables, making salad. 

"Shoot!" He gasped as he felt a sting on his finger, he had apparently cut his finger. He quickly looked at it, and luckily it wasn't bad at all, there was barely a scratch, Marco had just gotten scared of it. 

"What's wrong?" Mario came to Marco at that instant, seeing how Mario held his left index finger in his right fist. 

"I accidentally scratched myself, nothing horrendous," Marco chuckled. "I just got scared." 

"No, let me see," Mario said, and took a hold of Marco's finger, inspecting it himself. 

"I told you it wasn't bad," Marco said. 

"Yeah, it wasn't this time, but it could've been worse if you had had more force. How did you even manage to do that?" 

"I was simply cutting like this," Marco said, showing how he had held the tomato and the knife. 

"Marco!" Mario hastened to say. "That's dangerous! You need to curl your fingers like this, away from the knife!" 

Mario took Marco's hand in his again, turning Marco's fingers so that they weren't directly pointing at the sharp blade of the knife. "This is how you need to hold your hand that's holding the vegetable. And this is how you... Hold on." Mario said, trying to reach Marco's hand but couldn't reach from the position they were in. He circled around Marco's body and soon, Marco felt Mario's body pressing again his back, his entire back. 

Marco smiled as Mario basically hugged him from behind, the position was a little bit awkward since Mario was four centimeters shorter than Marco, but Mario had risen on his toes so that he could rest his head on Marco's shoulder. "This, is how you then start to cut the vegetable, at least this is the way my mother taught me," Mario said, starting to guide Marco's hands. 

He guided them for a while, and soon he let go, letting Marco go back to his work. What he didn't do however, was stop embracing him. He still held Marco from behind, and Marco was afraid that he'd accidentally cut his finger another time, when he felt Marco's hands moving lower from the counter. 

Mario's hand landed on his hips, and from there they traveled on his stomach and abs. At this moment, Marco couldn't concentrate on cutting the vegetables anymore so he simply put the knife down, focusing on Mario's hands. Mario didn't seem to mind Marco stopping with his task either, instead, he moved his hands upwards on Marco's chest, before he started to move them back down again. 

The surface of the kitchen counter was cool against Marco's fingers as he tried to keep himself upright, not being able to feel anything else than Marco's fingers sending jolts of desire down his body. Mario kept caressing his stomach and chest, occasionally slipping his hands under the hem of his shirt. He closed his eyes, so lost in Mario's touch. 

Mario's lips were tickling his neck, almost landing there, before Mario pulled them away in the last moment, breathing a puff of hot air against Marco's neck, making his hair stung up. His lips ghosted over Mario's skin, and Marco was so close to pressing his neck back, to make Mario's lips finally touch his skin. 

That was, when the oven beeped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I could write the kiss pretty soon and I imagine that that's what you've been waiting for and that you want it already :D


	29. Words that mean the world

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that updating took so long, but I have a feeling that this chapter can at least partly make up for it.
> 
> This chapter is longer and will have a lot of things happening. To be honest, I haven't planned anything after this chapter, and if I don't figure anything out, I might end the story here. At least I'll take a break from writing, that is for sure. 
> 
> That's why, I want to thank each and every one of you who have given this story a chance and read it, it means so much and I want to thank for all the kudos and comments, they meant so much (and still mean!) thank you so much for taking the time to read and give feedback! 
> 
> Sorry for all the mistakes again, I read it through only once. I hope that you'll let me know what you think about it :-)

Marco snapped together with Mario, who instantly moved an inch further away.

If it were possible to kill an oven, Marco would have done it.

He simply stood there, staring at the table surface in front of him, while Mario had withdrawn his body from him, but still held his hands on his shoulders. Marco could've sworn that he heard Mario muttering a curse as well. Mario moved a little bit, back to look at Marco. "We should continue cooking, shouldn't we?" Mario asked, smiling but Marco could see that he hadn't wanted their moment to get interrupted, either.

"Yeah," Marco said and smiled. Mario placed a quick kiss on his cheek, making Marco blush inevitably, before he turned to the oven and put the lasagna in there.

They continued their cooking silently, finishing quite soon after there was nothing more to do than to wait for the lasagna to get ready. The conversation still hadn't continued and Marco became worried for a moment, before Mario spoke up again. "You know, I have a day off tomorrow. Would you like to spend the day with me? This evening is a little short, and I'd like to have a whole day with you. Maybe we could go to some restaurant and for a walk?" Mario asked, making Marco smile.

"Yes, of course I'd like to. It sounds really nice, to finally be able to have a longer time together and spend the day with you," Marco said. Every time their little moments had been interrupted by something rather stupid, like the oven. Maybe right now it would be better luck for them.

"Great!" Mario said, before they sat down on the table and Mario began to propose different restaurants where they could go to, realizing that they never really had been into a restaurant together, yet. For the rest of their dinner now they simply talked about tomorrow, planning in detail what could they do but agreeing that they shouldn't plan it too far and simply enjoy their time together and let them be taken by the moment and decide what they should do more particularly later. What was sure, was that they'd go to have dinner downtown and then go for a walk.

Marco couldn't wait for tomorrow and what it might bring for them. Not only was he waiting for spending time with Mario, but he was also waiting for some new experiences in his life, that involved him and Mario being close together. Very close.

 

\---

 

Mario sighed as he felt his eyes starting to squint because the sun had started to shine through the blinds, making the bedroom light up.

But the sun however was not the only thing lighting up the room, it was also the wonderful being lying next to him, breathing steadily against his elbow while his other hand was resting on his chest. Marco looked so beautiful, and Mario couldn't believe his luck that Marco was actually lying there next to him, and not lying at the cemetery.

His mind filled with memories of their first meeting, the way he had managed to keep Marco from jumping, the way Marco had looked into his eyes for the first time. Marco had been so broken, so damn broken inside and outside, he had been trying to find the escape to the horrible demons inside his mind but luckily he had listened to Mario, and let Mario give him a reason to live.

Mario had given him the reason, and that was why Marco was now lying there, healing all his still open and fresh wounds he carried inside of him. Marco, was still fighting through every day, every minute and every second, but he kept on fighting, and soon, it would become easier. He would win the fight more easily, he wouldn't have to fight one day. One day he'd be free, and release the demons that had been bothering him for so long. That day wasn't yet, but it was about to come.

All this and everything they had come through ever since their first meeting, had made Mario fall in love with Marco. Fall hopelessly and helplessly in love with him, there was no turning back anymore, Mario was so deep in love. Marco was everything he could ever wish for and everything he'd ever want. Marco was perfect, there was no doubt in Mario's mind of that. Mario found himself having thoughts like these pretty often these days, and once again he thanked God that it had happened. Everything that had happened had made him stronger and braver, his life had gotten a meaning and he had given someone's life a meaning. What more could he ask for?

Marco fluttered his eyelids open slowly, looking into Mario's eyes briefly. God, Mario loved him so much! Marco smiled at him and Mario smiled back, having to bite his lip to keep himself from kissing Marco right there, right then. He had already been so close to kissing him yesterday, in the kitchen, and if it hadn't been for the oven he would've done it. Mario was actually glad about it, he didn't want it to be that way. He wanted every thing of Marco's first kiss to be perfect, he wanted to do everything to make Marco feel like he was everything, that he was perfect.

Today was the day Mario was planning to do it.

"Good morning, sleepy head," Mario said, messing up Marco's hair gently. "Did you sleep well?"

"Yes, I did. Did you? Have you been up for a long time?" Marco asked, yawning and scratching some of the sleep off the corners of his eyes.

"No, I just woke up a couple of minutes ago," Mario answered. "It was nice not having to wake up to the sound of the alarm clock."

"I agree," Marco hummed, and strained his legs, looking cute as he ran a hand through his hair. "I'm so ready for today," he said, almost whispering the words. Mario supposed that Marco also knew what the stakes were for both of them today.

"Me too," Mario said, glancing at his watch, and deciding that it was time to start the perfect day they were going to have. "Would you like to have some breakfast?"

"Sure," Marco said, trying to get off the bed but Mario pressed him down.

"No, you stay here. I'll go to the bakery down the street, I'll be back in a few minutes. We won't do anything today, this day should be all about having a good time," Mario said, getting up and pulling some trousers on, feeling how Marco's hungry gaze was following him throughout the procedure.

"Are you sure?" Marco asked, but his eyes shone happily. "I could come with you?"

"No, you can stay in bed for a little longer," Mario answered, pulling on a t-shirt. "I'll be back don't worry," he added, and with those words, he went out of the bedroom.

 

\---

 

Mario had come back to his apartment really after only a few minutes, and what he had come back to had been one of the most adorable things he had ever seen in his life.

Marco had fallen asleep again, he had been hugging Mario's pillow and snoring gently. Marco had looked simply almost too adorable and Mario had decided to let him sleep for a moment longer, and went to the kitchen to make some coffee. He had also set up the table and put all the pastries he had bought right on the table, and then went to wake Marco up.

They had walked into the kitchen together, nearly holding hands but not quite. Marco hadn't pulled on a top and he only wore loose shorts as he had sat down on the kitchen chair, gazing at the table with big eyes, seeing all the gorgeous pastries Mario had brought with him. Mario had been so happy that Marco had enjoyed his surprise that much, and that their day had gotten such a good start.

After eating breakfast together, they had both taken a shower and decided to wear fresh clothes, starting their day happily. They had ended up on the couch to watch Netflix, Marco's body leaning against Mario's the entire time. They weren't doing much, they simply watched movies and talked, but it was fine for them. Neither of them needed much to be able to enjoy their time, and both of them knew that some more exciting things were going to happen in the evening.

Something romantic, something magical, something perfect.

 

\---

 

Marco was looking at his reflection on the mirror, noticing how his cheeks were already slightly red and how his clothes didn't hang on his body anymore the way they used to. He traced his fingers along his uncovered arm, seeing how the scars he had, had partly faded, and partly stayed. The thin white lines and the redder skin that still looked damaged didn't burn under his fingers anymore. Marco didn't yet accept his scars, he was slowly starting to understand that there was nothing he could do to them, and every day, he was still reminded of all the bad things he had done to him, all the pain he had caused himself. He was reminded of it every day, and some days it felt good, some days it felt horrible.

What Marco knew however, was that he could get through all the agony of trying to get over the memories, because even if he still had the scars and with them the memories of his past, he also had gotten a lot of more things along with the frightful memories that would follow him for the rest of his life; something more permanent.

His eyes had so much more life into them. His hair was more lively, his body seemed to have more strength and his bones weren't sticking out anymore. He was only a shadow of the person he had been a few months ago when Mario had found him. He was the same person, but he didn't feel like he was. He was something new, even though the demons of the past hadn't left him alone completely. He was different, he knew how to fight them, he knew how not to let them control him.

Control him. Marco was more his own master now. He could object to his emotions better now. He was happier, more life had gotten into him and he smiled more and more every day. He was more relaxed, being able to feel the freedom that surrounded him together with the feeling of security. The feeling of love.

The love Mario was giving him every day, the love Mario showed him every day. The love Marco felt every day. Marco had thought that he'd never be able to feel love, but now as he did and had tasted the desire, he never wanted to let it go. There was something so magical in the way his entire body calmed down when he thought about Mario, when Mario looked into his eyes, when Mario touched him. The feelings Marco felt were incredible.

Marco loved Mario, he knew it. There was no going around it, Mario was his everything and the reason he was still alive.

Marco sighed as he looked into the mirror, thinking about how far he had become always made him a little melancholic. He had been so full of desperation, so sad and so incredibly done with life back then, before Mario had helped him back to life. All of Marco's thoughts had been gloomy, not a single day of his life had been sunny, and now, it had all changed. Just because of Mario. Marco needed Mario to know that, he needed to let him know that. Marco wanted to talk to Mario, he wanted to properly thank him for everything he had done to him, to thank him for believing in him.

The door of the bedroom opened and Mario stepped inside, his eyes traveling along Marco's body, his pupils growing large. Marco was still shirtless and he hastened to turn around and show Mario his body, and not be ashamed of it. "Do you eh, think that we're good to go soon?" Mario asked, pointing at the clock on the wall.

"Yes, of course," Marco said, taking the dressy shirt from the wardrobe and buttoning it quickly. "We're very good to go," he said, taking his phone in his pocket before he exited the bedroom and the apartment, starting to hold hands with Mario, as they started to walk towards the restaurant.

Marco would talk to Mario, but it could wait for a while more.

 

\---

 

"Can I ask what is making you that happy?" Mario asked, sitting opposite to Marco, before starting to inspect the menu. Marco had looked thoughtful and happy ever since they had left home, and he still did.

"Nothing, it's just be such a long time since I was in a restaurant. And of course you're treating me like a true gentleman, that's something to happy about itself," Marco said, looking into Mario's eyes. "Thank you for brining me here."

"You're very welcome. I am happy to be here with you, you've come a long way to be able to be here." Mario smiled back, before he turned his attention to the menu.

"That's true. And I can only thank you for that," Marco answered, his face turning serious, tears starting to dwell in his eyes.

"You don't have to thank me, Marco. Don't worry about it now, don't think about anything bad right now. Let's enjoy this evening now, what we've come through to get here is secondary. What is primary is that we're here now, we're here together," Mario said, reaching over the table to run his thumb over Marco's palm to sooth him.

"You're right," Marco said and sighed, turning his attention to the menu. "I want to talk to you though, seriously." Marco added.

Mario glanced over the table briefly, understanding what Marco might want to talk about. "We'll talk, but not here, we can go for that walk afterwards," Mario said, smiling. "Let's just try to enjoy this moment."

"Agreed," Marco said, and smiled once more. Mario knew what was coming, but at that moment, he decided that he wouldn't try to see to the future for now, that he would simply focus on this moment, and the beautiful man opposite to him.

 

\---

 

Mario held Marco's hand as they walked along the street, heading to the direction of a park located not far away from Mario's home.

Their fingers were entangled as they walked hand in hand, not saying much, just enjoying the warm spring breeze occasionally messing their hair, and the view of the sun descending into the horizon. There weren't many people around, just the two of them and only occasionally some people jogged past them, but left them alone again after a few seconds. The evening was warm and perfect for them to have this walk.

They pulled each other close, walking side by side on the path until they reached a green area, surrounded by large oak trees. "Could we go sit there?" Marco asked, pointing at a bench placed right between the two large oak trees.

"Of course," Mario answered, starting to guide Marco through the green area on the bench, where they eventually sat, still side by side. Marco stayed silent now, not daring to say anything.

Marco was breathing a bit heavily next to him, obviously trying to control his emotions before speaking. A part of Mario wished that he could say something to Marco, he didn't want Marco to feel bad about this but he knew that it was important for him to get to tell him the things he was still holding inside of him. He simply took Marco's hand, holding it tightly between them on the bench.

"So, uh..." Marco began.

"Take your time," Mario reminded him.

"I thought that talking about these things would be easier by now, but it doesn't seem to be, no matter how many times I went through this conversation in my mind."

"Just tell me what you want to tell, Marco, I'm not expecting anything," Mario said, moving his thumb along Marco's palm.

"I actually wrote it on a paper... Could you read it? I honestly don't think that I can say you all of this things..." Marco said, sounding regretfully. "Of course I'll read it," Mario said, kindly, and then Marco reached for his pocket with his shaking fingers. He took out a crumpled piece of paper and handed it to Mario, without looking twice, as he simply started to stare at the green trees around them.

Mario unfolded the power, noticing that it had quite a lot of text and it was stained, probably because of tears that had fallen down on it. Mario already felt a lump in his throat before he took a deep breath, and started to read.

_\- I, I guess I'll just start from the beginning. We haven't really talked about this in a while, and I- I just want you to know how thankful I am..._

_The thing, is, that I want to thank you for letting me be here talking to you today. Without you, this day wouldn't have come. I wouldn't be alive anymore, not without you, and surely our paths would have never crossed if you hadn't decided to save me that day. To this day I thank God for what happened that day. I thank God that I decided to wait for another hour before going for that walk that I thought would be my last one. I thank God for brining me there, and I thank God for brining you there, too. I don't know what did I do to deserve to have you there, to convince me not to jump when I had been so sure that nothing could save me anymore. I was so sure of that. But then you came. God brought you, an angel in my life, to save me, and I'll never know how I can ever pay back for that._

_And apparently savior wasn't the only thing I got that evening, I also got you. You, you Mario, are amazing. You're the best person I have ever met, you're the most wonderful and kind personality, you're so sweet and thoughtful, you're everything. You're more than anyone could ever possibly want, in my eyes. You're incredible, and therefore I can't believe that you actually became my friend. I had barely had any friends, I had been sure that nobody cared of me, that I was simply worthless and now suddenly you were there, showing me that you care, and I can tell you, that feeling, that feeling was anything better than anything I had ever felt._

_You cared of me. You cared of me so much. You helped to have faith in humanity again, you gave me faith in myself and who I am. You made me feel like a human again, and you were there for me, even when I fell down and didn't want to get back up again. You were there. You didn't mind me crying, you didn't mind my scars and you didn't mind me not being able to stop thinking that I'm a worthless loser. You always stood by my side, even during the darkest times and made me see light again. You took me to therapy, convinced me that there was something to fight for and that I could get through that fight._

_Because of you I'm now finally able to believe and because of you I am on this road to get better. You made me appreciate myself. To have faith in myself, to believe that life has so many things to offer. The things that I didn't know existed for me. Love was something I had stopped believing in, it had become a tender topic for me, I almost always blocked it out of my mind when it came up. But you unlocked the jar that my heart was in, you had the key to it, and believe me, that key is now yours for forever._

_When you hugged me, when you took me to your bed and slept with me, you showed me what love is and it was by far the most incredible thing I had felt in more than a decade. You made me feel loved, and that was more than I ever could have asked for. I had no idea that I could get even more. The night you told me that you loved me will forever be razor sharp in my memory. I'll never forget the words, I remember how incredulous they sounded to my ears, I remember how I just couldn't believe them, but you told them to me over and over again, you told me how much you loved me. You were the first person to tell that to me in a decade, and I know that I didn't say it straight away, but Mario, believe me, I love you._

_I love you with all my heart, now and forever. I loved you already in the first place when we saw each other for the first time, but now, I love you on whole new levels. I love you more than my own life, I would do anything to you. You're the thing that keeps me here, you're the person who I live for, and who I want to keep on living for in the future, too._

_You gave me everything Mario, everything, and as I said, I don't think I can every thank any higher power enough for everything that has happened, but I do want to thank you. I will stay with you, as long as you want me to, and a part of me has come to think that maybe this was destiny. Maybe we were meant to meet, maybe our meeting was written in our stars. I certainly do believe so, and I guess that there is one more thing I want to tell you._

_I love you, as I said. I love you because you're you, and because you love me for who I am. You're here when I'm up, when I'm down. You were there always. And I will be there for you, always. Thank you, Mario. Thank you for giving me a life to live, thank you for loving me and showing me that heaven did have a plan for me. I love you so much, - Marco. -_

The letter was not only crumpled with Marco's tears by the time Mario finished reading it, because there was no way he could keep the tears from not falling down his cheeks anymore. He was speechless, so utterly speechless for what Marco had just written down, he had poured his heart down on that piece of paper, and with that, giving Mario the most outstanding love declaration he ever could have gotten. Mario could feel his insides filling with love, he felt like bursting, as he still wiped the tears off the corners of his eyes, before he looked at Marco, who was crying too.

 

\---

 

Marco cried silent tears as Mario looked at him, clearly touched by his letter.

Marco hadn't been able to say the words, so he had written the letter one night when he hadn't been able to get sleep, and he was glad that he had. He had simply needed to let Mario know how much he loved him, and that, seemed to have told Mario just how much Marco loved him. Because Marco loved Mario with all his heart, he loved him more than words could tell, there was simply no way of explaining it.

"Oh Marco, I- I'm speechless... This was incredible. I love you so much, never forget that, I want to spend forever with you," Mario said, taking his hand off Marco's and turning around so that he was facing Marco. This was the moment, the moment he had been waiting for several months, this moment was perfect, Marco knew that Mario was going to do it, finally.

"Really?" Marco asked, gazing into Mario's eyes, and now, Mario didn't wait for a moment longer.

"Yes, Marco," he said, took Marco's face in his hands, and kissed the love of his life.

And that moment, was simply infinite.

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback would be lovely and make me very happy :)


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